How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

Why not open marriage? Your kids are young. I wouldn't divorce if he's bringing in the money and not mean. If I could do it again, I would move close to family and have them help out and treat him more like the grandpa who lives with you. On his better days that's what it was like. Living with grandpa.l

This is OP.
I do not want an open marriage, whatever that means. It's not for me. I want a real marriage, and I'm not getting that now. I love him, and he can't love me back in the same way I love him. I know he loves me, but he lives in his own world. Is there any way to break into that world? That's what I'm looking for. I know he has feelings and emotions, but he can't express empathy. He has no idea what empathy is, even when described to him in detail. He tries, but is baffled by emotions, making a true emotional connection with another human being.
I want a marriage that works, despite his ASD/HFA/Aspergers. I'm getting from most posters that such a thing is not possible with an ASD husband.

No, it's not really possible. This is who he is.
You can try different therapies. Stem cells maybe. But I don't know that this will fix your situation because the more you try to fix him the more he will pull away. And then he will be the one leaving the marriage.

Oh ffs. Stem cells, really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already posted the Mark Hutton videos. He has hundreds of them. Take the time to understand.

That guy is questionable, to say the least!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

No, no and no.
You do your own thing, just like they already are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already posted the Mark Hutton videos. He has hundreds of them. Take the time to understand.

That guy is questionable, to say the least!

No one says you have to stay married. He at least takes the time to help people stay married. Take what you want from them or don't watch.

You are basically asking if you can turn someone into someone they are not. Answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

Your first problem is that you don't understand that different people can have different marriages. You have this expectation of marriage that isn't your reality and will never be and that makes you sad.

I connect with ASD DH emotionally but it's a very different emotional connection than with my best friend. I'm not having an affair because DH wants me to step out and leave him alone. DH doesn't step out bc he doesn't have that need. Like at all. Not even with me, which leaves me open to see others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got mad at me tonight because I needed something from him while he was working. He can’t multitask home and work, so when he’s working he has to be 100%. It’s super lonely and hard. I end up a the solo parent during those times PLUS doing my own work. He’s oblivious.

This happens to me every night. DH can't stop working, even when he's not on a call or interacting with anyone. He snaps at me if I interrupt him. Yes, it's very lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

Your first problem is that you don't understand that different people can have different marriages. You have this expectation of marriage that isn't your reality and will never be and that makes you sad.

I connect with ASD DH emotionally but it's a very different emotional connection than with my best friend. I'm not having an affair because DH wants me to step out and leave him alone. DH doesn't step out bc he doesn't have that need. Like at all. Not even with me, which leaves me open to see others.

This is not a marriage by any definition I know of. Yes all marriages are different, but they share some things in common, and one is almost always (in happy marriages) a mutually supportive emotional connection. This sounds like you are two people existing in the same space, with a slight emotional connection, like that of a friend, but it does not sound to me like a true marriage. It's not what I want, that's for sure. I want my husband to connect with me emotionally. He wants to, but he can't figure out how. It's like emotional connection is a language he doesn't understand no matter how hard he tries. It's sad for both of us. But I'm the one who feels worse because I feel so lonely. He doesn't feel lonely. He has me around, and that's about all he wants. A companion, not an equal partner. I want a partner, and in 25 years of marriage, I have not gotten that. He co-parents well, but that's not enough for me.
No one has described on this thread what I consider a happy marriage to a DH with HFA. I wonder if they exist at all.
I'm thinking of trying Grace Myhill -- has it worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

Your first problem is that you don't understand that different people can have different marriages. You have this expectation of marriage that isn't your reality and will never be and that makes you sad.

I connect with ASD DH emotionally but it's a very different emotional connection than with my best friend. I'm not having an affair because DH wants me to step out and leave him alone. DH doesn't step out bc he doesn't have that need. Like at all. Not even with me, which leaves me open to see others.

This is not a marriage by any definition I know of. Yes all marriages are different, but they share some things in common, and one is almost always (in happy marriages) a mutually supportive emotional connection. This sounds like you are two people existing in the same space, with a slight emotional connection, like that of a friend, but it does not sound to me like a true marriage. It's not what I want, that's for sure. I want my husband to connect with me emotionally. He wants to, but he can't figure out how. It's like emotional connection is a language he doesn't understand no matter how hard he tries. It's sad for both of us. But I'm the one who feels worse because I feel so lonely. He doesn't feel lonely. He has me around, and that's about all he wants. A companion, not an equal partner. I want a partner, and in 25 years of marriage, I have not gotten that. He co-parents well, but that's not enough for me.
No one has described on this thread what I consider a happy marriage to a DH with HFA. I wonder if they exist at all.
I'm thinking of trying Grace Myhill -- has it worked for anyone?

Thank you for the opportunity to prove my marriage to you, anonymous intent stranger. Next time I will marriage harder and do it better according to your standards

[Anonymous]

OP this thread is long so I might be repeating what someone else has said but my DH who definitely has very strong Aspergers traits told me this

"You are responsible for your own happiness" and he is right, don't make it someone else's job or blame them for your misery.

Lower your expectations. He's not a woman he's not going to "share" if you want that, truly, you should be in a same sex relationship.