Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread.

Yes, I'm sorry I opened it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

Yea it’s the damage done from their parents marriage.

That is possible, but the first question on the Adverse Childhood Experiences scoring system (https://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Brief-adverse-childhood-experiences_FINAL.pdf) is if the child has:

Lived with a parent or guardian who got divorced or separated;

Now does that mean no other ACE’s happen to kids with parents who stay together, obviously not. That said, going through a divorce or separation is counted as an ACE in most surveys.

It may be better for the kids to have that as an ACE and not an unsettled household, but divorce has still been found to contribute to negative outcomes.

You can argue that modern parents handle divorce better than previous generations, but this is where the current research stands.

[Anonymous]

I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I always say CONGRATULATIONS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say "I'm sorry" because obviously you once had a dream of a life with someone if you married them, and that dream has died. It's not to say it's a bad decision, rather, sorry that the situation you had hoped for didn't' work out as planned.

Again, not everyone marries for a "dream" of a specific life.

Well, do they marry with a hope to be able to go through a divorce? are they like, I can’t wait to get married so I can get divorced it’s gonna be awesome? I love this man and I can’t wait to divorce him!

Do they dream of being married to a man child?
Do they dream of a wife who gives them pity sex once a month,
Do they dream of the actual life they have? Nope.

Life comes at you fast. It’s rarely what you dreamed of.

Right, and I’m sorry your life threw you those curveballs

And I’m sorry life threw you those curve balls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

Yea it’s the damage done from their parents marriage.

That is possible, but the first question on the Adverse Childhood Experiences scoring system (https://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Brief-adverse-childhood-experiences_FINAL.pdf) is if the child has:

Lived with a parent or guardian who got divorced or separated;

Now does that mean no other ACE’s happen to kids with parents who stay together, obviously not. That said, going through a divorce or separation is counted as an ACE in most surveys.

It may be better for the kids to have that as an ACE and not an unsettled household, but divorce has still been found to contribute to negative outcomes.

You can argue that modern parents handle divorce better than previous generations, but this is where the current research stands.

The current research show a marriage with conflict vs a divorce with conflict is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

Because it is and it’s been explained over and over. Don’t say sorry, it’s rude.

A well educated person knows to not say sorry to something that is not bad.

This is hilarious. So, does this mean I should send a condolence card to my friend who is getting married? If the point of marriage is to do it so you can then go on to have a beautiful divorce later that friends and strangers alike should congratulate you on? Please go on

What up with the black and white thinking.

If someone is at UVA and then transfers to UMCP do you say sorry, no, you’re glad they found a place they like better.

I’m going to UVA, congratulations!
How’s UVA? Oh I’m at Md now I didn’t really like UVA.
Oh best wishes go Terps.

What would you say “oh I’m so sorry, what happened… you had dreams of being a cavalier. Condolences. “
No you would NEVER say that

How’s Mary?
Oh we got divorced.
Oh I didn’t hear how are the kids doing I haven’t seen them in so long.

Its like you guys need social skills classes

Why would you need to ask how the kids are doing? I thought this process was easy for them and they were so happy about it. And if someone said “I was at UVA for a year but didn’t like it so I transferred to Old Dominion” I’d say “oh I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like it. How’s ODU treating you?”

And the fact you say you are sorry they are at Old Dominion show you have a low EQ and you think lesser of Old Dominion.

If they said I’m no longer at UVA I transferred to Harvard, would you say sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

There is no better response to "I'm getting divorced" other than "sorry to hear that".
Sorry, guess you're stuck with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

Because it is and it’s been explained over and over. Don’t say sorry, it’s rude.

A well educated person knows to not say sorry to something that is not bad.

This is hilarious. So, does this mean I should send a condolence card to my friend who is getting married? If the point of marriage is to do it so you can then go on to have a beautiful divorce later that friends and strangers alike should congratulate you on? Please go on

What up with the black and white thinking.

If someone is at UVA and then transfers to UMCP do you say sorry, no, you’re glad they found a place they like better.

I’m going to UVA, congratulations!
How’s UVA? Oh I’m at Md now I didn’t really like UVA.
Oh best wishes go Terps.

What would you say “oh I’m so sorry, what happened… you had dreams of being a cavalier. Condolences. “
No you would NEVER say that

How’s Mary?
Oh we got divorced.
Oh I didn’t hear how are the kids doing I haven’t seen them in so long.

Its like you guys need social skills classes

Why would you need to ask how the kids are doing? I thought this process was easy for them and they were so happy about it. And if someone said “I was at UVA for a year but didn’t like it so I transferred to Old Dominion” I’d say “oh I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like it. How’s ODU treating you?”

And the fact you say you are sorry they are at Old Dominion show you have a low EQ and you think lesser of Old Dominion.

If they said I’m no longer at UVA I transferred to Harvard, would you say sorry.

Yes. “Oh, I’m sorry UVA wasn’t what you hoped it would be, but I’m so glad you are at Harvard! How is it going?”

I mean, you either opted to be at UVA from the get-go for presumably sound reasons (you married him because you loved him and though it was right), or you failed to get into Harvard the first time (you couldn’t get the ring from your true love, you you settled and are now back with your true love), so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

This is not true. My sister is still insecure about it. If someone had told her congratulations she would have burst into tears. Not everyone choses to divorce. Many times one party doesn't get a choice in the matter.

There are plenty of insecure divorced and married people in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

There is no better response to "I'm getting divorced" other than "sorry to hear that".
Sorry, guess you're stuck with it.

Yes there is and many options have been explained.

Just like you should not say to every senior in HS, where are you going to college next year because most aren’t. You should say
What are your plans next year.

It’s basic human courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

This is not true. My sister is still insecure about it. If someone had told her congratulations she would have burst into tears. Not everyone choses to divorce. Many times one party doesn't get a choice in the matter.

There are plenty of insecure divorced and married people in this thread.

Nobody said to say congratulations, you sound insane.

If you don’t know the person well enough to know if it was good or bad don’t say either sorry or congratulations.

It’s just as rude to say congratulations to your sister as it is to say “sorry” to Op.

Neither is a correct response.

Nobody is insecure because they correct you about your take on their marriage/divorce.

If I said you have a miserable marriage and you said no it’s quite nice actually, are you insecure? No
If you say I have a miserable divorce and I say no it’s actually quite nice, am I insecure? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say sorry when I hear someone is getting divorced. It's a period in your life that sucks. So sorry that you're going through it.

If you are insecure about people feeling bad that you are going through a non-ideal time, I don't know what to tell you. No one is going to say, "great job" when they hear about a divorce.

Nobody is insecure about it. People are just surprised that obtuse people like you exist.

There is no better response to "I'm getting divorced" other than "sorry to hear that".
Sorry, guess you're stuck with it.

Yes there is and many options have been explained.

Just like you should not say to every senior in HS, where are you going to college next year because most aren’t. You should say
What are your plans next year.

It’s basic human courtesy.

It’s also basic human courtesy not to try to gaslight or manipulate people. You didn’t have to get married; you chose to. Marriage is literally a vow to stay together for life. That’s what you intended—or at least what you pretended to intend in front of either a legal or spiritual authority (if you lied, that’s on you). Your marriage failed. What you said you wanted in front of a legal or spiritual authority did not happen. We’re sorry. We are sorry that your marriage failed, and whatever painful or untenable circumstances that led to your divorce.

You can accept it or not, but it is and always will be socially acceptable to say you’re sorry to hear of a failed marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

Because it is and it’s been explained over and over. Don’t say sorry, it’s rude.

A well educated person knows to not say sorry to something that is not bad.

This is hilarious. So, does this mean I should send a condolence card to my friend who is getting married? If the point of marriage is to do it so you can then go on to have a beautiful divorce later that friends and strangers alike should congratulate you on? Please go on

What up with the black and white thinking.

If someone is at UVA and then transfers to UMCP do you say sorry, no, you’re glad they found a place they like better.

I’m going to UVA, congratulations!
How’s UVA? Oh I’m at Md now I didn’t really like UVA.
Oh best wishes go Terps.

What would you say “oh I’m so sorry, what happened… you had dreams of being a cavalier. Condolences. “
No you would NEVER say that

How’s Mary?
Oh we got divorced.
Oh I didn’t hear how are the kids doing I haven’t seen them in so long.

Its like you guys need social skills classes

Why would you need to ask how the kids are doing? I thought this process was easy for them and they were so happy about it. And if someone said “I was at UVA for a year but didn’t like it so I transferred to Old Dominion” I’d say “oh I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like it. How’s ODU treating you?”

And the fact you say you are sorry they are at Old Dominion show you have a low EQ and you think lesser of Old Dominion.

If they said I’m no longer at UVA I transferred to Harvard, would you say sorry.

Yes. “Oh, I’m sorry UVA wasn’t what you hoped it would be, but I’m so glad you are at Harvard! How is it going?”

I mean, you either opted to be at UVA from the get-go for presumably sound reasons (you married him because you loved him and though it was right), or you failed to get into Harvard the first time (you couldn’t get the ring from your true love, you you settled and are now back with your true love), so…

Are you seriously sorty I’m going to Harvard, lol that crazy talk. I only did UVA for 1 semester because I had to defer my admissions due to my ACL surgery,

Don’t make assumptions about people you don’t know.