6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

I'm just saying that I wouldn't be ok with my kid just dumping their friends for no reason. If they organically just drifted apart, ok that happens.

You don't have to be ok with it. There's nothing you can do about it, except punish your child if he or she is not civil. You can't make them like spending time with someone else if they don't.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my DD as well. Tell her she's not alone, and this happens to most of us. It's ok to be sad about it, but eventually she'll need to focus on moving on and being ok without them. Friends will come and go, and can be especially shifty at this age. Sometimes they need a good long break from each other, too. Only a few will remain throughout the years. I encouraged my DD to befriend other students who might look like they need a friend, and how to break the ice with new people. I enrolled her in activities outside of school so she could meet people into the same things she is where she has met new friends. Volunteer events, crochet class, etc. Since she loves animals, I bought her a few small pets which she loves coming home to, especially when there's drama at school. After a bad day, her little non-human friends are good at shifting her focus off mean people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Puberty or not what's to gain from kids acting older? There are no real benefits. Parents like me are just trying to let our kids be kids for as long as they can. Nothing wrong with that.

How about you let your kids decide what makes them happy and stop managing their every.single.move

Not wanting kids to grow up too fast or avt like older teens is not managing their every move. I don't find it acceptable for 11 year olds to act like they're 16.

There is a middle ground, OP.

Find it.

Let your child grow by meeting new friends. This will teach her how people/friends are supposed to actually treat each other.

The OP didn't write this comment, I did. All I'm saying is that kids shouldn't grow up before they have too. I'd like my kids to stay kids as long as possible. I never said that they can never from up or have different interests. Just don't act like a 16 year when your still a child. I'd like to think that they would thank me some day.

I don’t understand where you get being either age ten or age 16 - but no middle ground.

At any age, one has to learn to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again, how is it micro managing? If a friendship truly falls through then ok, but I'm not going to let my kid just dump friends for stupid reasons.

You're not going to "let" your child choose not to be friends with someone? How exactly are you going to do that? Force invitations? Ask the school to compel them to sit together at lunch?

I didn't say that. I said that I'm not going to let my kid be a jerk about and just dump someone because that's just mean. I should know it happened to me.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Puberty or not what's to gain from kids acting older? There are no real benefits. Parents like me are just trying to let our kids be kids for as long as they can. Nothing wrong with that.

How about you let your kids decide what makes them happy and stop managing their every.single.move

Not wanting kids to grow up too fast or avt like older teens is not managing their every move. I don't find it acceptable for 11 year olds to act like they're 16.

There is a middle ground, OP.


I'm not the one who brought about the 11 yr old acting 16 and parents not only seemingly being ok with it, but liking and encouraging it. Of course there can be a middle ground, but that's not what was talked about.
Find it.

Let your child grow by meeting new friends. This will teach her how people/friends are supposed to actually treat each other.

The OP didn't write this comment, I did. All I'm saying is that kids shouldn't grow up before they have too. I'd like my kids to stay kids as long as possible. I never said that they can never from up or have different interests. Just don't act like a 16 year when your still a child. I'd like to think that they would thank me some day.

I don’t understand where you get being either age ten or age 16 - but no middle ground.

At any age, one has to learn to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the poster who brought up the 11 yr old going on 16 and parebts encouragibg it and liking it. Of course there should be a middle ground, but that's not what was said.

[Anonymous]

You're not going to "let" your child choose not to be friends with someone? How exactly are you going to do that? Force invitations? Ask the school to compel them to sit together at lunch?


I didn't say that. I said that I'm not going to let my kid be a jerk about and just dump someone because that's just mean. I should know it happened to me.

It's happened to most of us. But if someone no longer wants to spend time with someone else, all that can be done is "dumping" them in a nicer, more compassionate way (which should be encouraged). No one. adult or child, should force themselves to spend free time with with someone they don't want to. That's not appropriate boundaries. No one should want a pity friendship anyway. It's not good for either party. What I have tried working on with my own child is expressing honestly and appropriately that she enjoyed being friends with someone, but it just doesn't feel the same any more, and she needs a break.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I would have never thought that idea of letting kids be kids as long s they could would ever be so controversial.

[Anonymous]

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Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

This. Parents should not be giving 11 year olds TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram. Many girls in my daughter's grade not only have all 3 but are very very mean to her that she does not. And yes parents that IS YOUR FAULT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I would have never thought that idea of letting kids be kids as long s they could would ever be so controversial.

Because it’s a nonsensical statement. If your child is maturing faster than others, whether physically or in terms of how she likes to play and what her interests are, that’s going to affect who she wants to be friends with. Whether you like it or not, your girl is growing up and you need to come to terms with it and let her start to take the reins of her own life.

[Anonymous]

Its often just as much the parents excluding kids as the kids. These aren't your friends.

[Anonymous]

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Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

This. Parents should not be giving 11 year olds TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram. Many girls in my daughter's grade not only have all 3 but are very very mean to her that she does not. And yes parents that IS YOUR FAULT.

Sounds like you have issues with other people’s style of parenting, but that’s not really the subject of this post, which is about evolving girls’ friendships, for reasons not even OP understands.

[Anonymous]

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6th graders aren't teens, they're kids. In fact, teens are kids as well.

All correct, but none of it changes the fact that, as your child gets older, you cannot micromanage their lives the way you once did, including requiring them to stay friends with old friends - which was the issue in the original post here.

Again, how is it micro managing? If a friendship truly falls through then ok, but I'm not going to let my kid just dump friends for stupid reasons. So kids who may have different interests can't be friends? If they were ever real friends they can be.

So what are you going to do about it? You can’t force a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I would have never thought that idea of letting kids be kids as long s they could would ever be so controversial.

Even back in the old days (when I was in MS) there was a range of maturity. The problem isn't the range- we're all different and that's fine. The problem is the lack of supervision and limits set by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I would have never thought that idea of letting kids be kids as long s they could would ever be so controversial.

Even back in the old days (when I was in MS) there was a range of maturity. The problem isn't the range- we're all different and that's fine. The problem is the lack of supervision and limits set by their parents.

That has nothing to do with OP’s issues unless you think it’s the job of a parent to pick out a middle schooler’s set of friends.