How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

Can we stop calling women who stand up for themselves when they've been wronged narcissists, please?

If you call yourself "wronged" every time you don't get exactly what you want, the word loses its meaning entirely

[Anonymous]

You're super dramatic. Get over yourself. Are you always this high-strung, OP? Your DD wedding isn't even about you and your friends in any way.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

Can we stop calling women who stand up for themselves when they've been wronged narcissists, please?

If you call yourself "wronged" every time you don't get exactly what you want, the word loses its meaning entirely

What are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your DD or her fiance even want YOUR friend to come?

Why is MIL (you) inviting her friends to her DD's wedding? That's odd. Is your husband inviting his friends to his DD's wedding?

I agree that OP is making too big a deal about this. But in her defense: there were a ton of my parents' friends at my wedding. And I was happy to have all of them--I grew up knowing them and are very close to many of them. It wasn't friends my age. It meant a lot to have both generations there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're super dramatic. Get over yourself. Are you always this high-strung, OP? Your DD wedding isn't even about you and your friends in any way.

Yes it is. It is about the bride, the groom and their families and friends. OP wanted her friends there to share her DD's big day.

I think we found the narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

Do not let this ruin the very happy occasion of your daughter’s wedding. You are focusing on a thorn not the Rose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

[Anonymous]

When someone RSVPs no to a wedding they don’t even owe you an explanation. She told you why and your “seriously” was not only uncalled for, it showed why she was afraid of telling you on the first place. Get over yourself and apologize. What is there more to be said here. I had close friends that cancelled a week before my wedding and I behaved more graciously than you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

Can we stop calling women who stand up for themselves when they've been wronged narcissists, please?

She didn't decline the invite. She ignored it. Then declined when asked. She was wrong.
When someone declines an invitation, they are not “wronging” you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being a drama queen.

Yes, a friends wedding, who she introduced to each other should be attended.

What if you were getting married and your friend said "no, have to attend the really important wedding of my friends daughter?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

+1 this lands squarely and equally on both of you. As I’d often said - it’s an invitation, not a summons.

You extended the invite and she says no - which she has every right to do. Your badgered her into a half hearted yes. Then she went back to ‘no’. She should’ve stuck by her initial rsvp. And you shouldn’t have guilted her - at all - when you received it.

New poster. This, above, times a thousand. OP, she was trying to please everyone, mostly because you guilted her after she had already given you a single, clear answer. So she backtracked and started trying to please YOU and then her DH (and she) likely realized this was going to be nothing but a stressor (and possibly would offend the other couple AND you at the same time).

Please, OP, think: She introduced this couple to each other. Of course her being at their wedding makes sense. If she introduced them, she likely has been following their courtship all along. You might want to counter that she's known your daughter forever, but honestly, she has a bigger wedding stake in a couple she introduced.

I disagree with those above saying you should let it go until after the wedding but then deal with it. The only dealing with it after the fact should be asking her how the other ceremony went and --- I'll be blunt -- apologizing to her for putting her in the position of feeling she had to alter plans like she offered to do, after giving you one clear answer to begin with. She should not have felt she needed to try to split the day in the first place.

Do you get yet that probably the reason she didn't tell you sooner about the conflict is because she feared your reaction? She was wrong not to tell you sooner, absolutely, but clearly right to worry that you would be angry and hurt and would overreact.

You said you feel the friendship won't survive this but this is a friend of long standing. You'd throw it away because of one conflict on one day, a conflict she tried to resolve by twisting herself into a pretzel for you, only to find it just wouldn't work. Please don't be that friend who puts logistics ahead of years of shared experience and friendship. And if your DD's wedding day is the most important day in your own life or in your friendships with others -- that's a priority problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone RSVPs no to a wedding they don’t even owe you an explanation. She told you why and your “seriously” was not only uncalled for, it showed why she was afraid of telling you on the first place. Get over yourself and apologize. What is there more to be said here. I had close friends that cancelled a week before my wedding and I behaved more graciously than you did.

Ehhh - not if you're close with the person. I think it's fine to ask for an explanation - and to feel hurt if they aren't coming, and even to say that you're hurt. But I don't think it's appropriate to go nuclear.

[Anonymous]

There are some dramatic responses on here and lots of inferring about people's motives and personalities.

Sue had a pretty big conflict, made a choice but handled communicating about it poorly. Sounds like OP was very confused by all the waffling but reacted poorly and has some responsibility here as well.

If it were me in OP's shoes, this wouldn't end a 20 year friendship. I would apologize for my reaction, wish her an enjoyable time and the other wedding and move on. I would also acknowledge that she attempted a compromise but can agree it wouldn't work. I would do this before not after the wedding so that we can both relax and enjoy what should be a wonderful day for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

When I read DCUM I think these PPs dint have many or any friends. Of course it’s a big deal to OP. It’s not a BDay party at Chucky Cheese or a wedding of 250 people. It’s a small wedding of “close” friends, on of whom couldn’t bring herself to say “BTW I’m not coming!” It’s hurtful. No I wouldn’t sit down and write a long apology for my hurt feelings and friends failure to explain but leaves it up to OP to have to ask. I wouldn’t end the friendship but I might consider that the four some might be heading in a different direction. Things change. I’m sorry OP. I’m not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone RSVPs no to a wedding they don’t even owe you an explanation. She told you why and your “seriously” was not only uncalled for, it showed why she was afraid of telling you on the first place. Get over yourself and apologize. What is there more to be said here. I had close friends that cancelled a week before my wedding and I behaved more graciously than you did.

My only issue with Sue is that she did not in fact RSVP at all. It was only when confronted that she said she wasn't coming. That is weird behavior with a friend of 20 years and rude under any circumstances. Many speculate its because she was afraid of OP's reaction, but it is still wrong.

Both parties handled this poorly and OP, while hurt, should be able to move past this.