Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

As part of both short and long term planning, it could help to consult with a geriatric social worker about resources and options. I’m not clear where the OP and his parents live, but in the DC area JCA could be very helpful as a resource. JCA also has a day program in Rockville and provides a range of supportive services.

I think it could make sense for OP, his sister and their father to have a family conference to determine what resources they can each consistently provide. One plan could be to hire a care giver for the next few months - which could allow them time to find an appropriate day program- which could allow them time to work towards alternatives for long term care.

This is really difficult stuff to plan for an implement. I applaud the OP’s wife for setting appropriate boundaries- so that the OP and his family of origin can realistically assess their resources and commitment to his mother’s ongoing needs and care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't somebody guilt the sister who has more money and who greatly benefited from Op's mother looking after her kids. Sure, Op can help but he shouldn't be responsible for more days and more cost than his sister. Not to mention the plan is unworkable and will increase the workload for his wife. No, Op's mother made a choice to sacrifice her time and money to help her daughter. I am sure she had her reasons. But a consequence of that choice is not having a DIL willing to help her when she needed it. May OP's wife would be more willing to compromise if OP was more reasonable in his expectations and if he actually forced his sister and father to meet their obligations, not dump them on him.

Op only needs to do his 2 days. The sister can do her 2 days and they can help dad figure out how to do the 5th day.

If they all do their parts to help through the crisis then no one will feel overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

[Anonymous]

OP I am really sorry you're in this position. Your mom will need more help before your dad retires.

You spending 2 hours in the car, in addition to being away from your kids, and spending money on a sitter, is not a good solution. Your wife is right to push back on that. My guess is the cost you would spend paying someone to watch your kids, plus wear and tear on your car, would be more than outsourcing to someone close to your parents.

I would suggest finding someone to help out during the week, but find a time that you can spend with your parents. Maybe Saturday mornings and you can bring pre-made meals and groceries. Find something that works for you and your wife. If your dad is the primary caretaker, he will need breaks and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't somebody guilt the sister who has more money and who greatly benefited from Op's mother looking after her kids. Sure, Op can help but he shouldn't be responsible for more days and more cost than his sister. Not to mention the plan is unworkable and will increase the workload for his wife. No, Op's mother made a choice to sacrifice her time and money to help her daughter. I am sure she had her reasons. But a consequence of that choice is not having a DIL willing to help her when she needed it. May OP's wife would be more willing to compromise if OP was more reasonable in his expectations and if he actually forced his sister and father to meet their obligations, not dump them on him.

Op only needs to do his 2 days. The sister can do her 2 days and they can help dad figure out how to do the 5th day.

If they all do their parts to help through the crisis then no one will feel overwhelmed.

sister isn't going to do 2 days. They'll be lucky if she does 1..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Then his dad takes early retirement and takes care of the mom.

I’m sorry, but this is a situation where the dad and the sister are basically saying they don’t want to pay for mom’s care. That doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility. At a minimum, his dad needs to step up.

If dad uses up all his resources before a real retirement, then OP and his sister will have to figure out how to handle his care at a later date. Right now, OPs solution of putting his kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day is ridiculous. He’s going to burn out, his wife is going to be stressed and his kids will be stressed. OP’s sister is functioning as if it’s everyone’s job to subsidize her life. It’s not. She’s not going to change her attitude until OP changes his behavior.

I am not saying it SHOULD be his responsibility I am saying, as someone who lost their mom a few years ago, I can understand OP's emotional stake in this. It is his mother. All of our rationale about the wife being right can't override the emotional connection of this is his mother and he can't just throw his hands up and let the chips fall where they may. I would be mad as hell at my useless f*****g sister and her drunk ass husband and frustrated with my dad but imagine this is your mother needing (assuming you love your mom and have/had a decent relationship with her), it's not that easy. I can see why he is struggling.

If this was my mom and dad, I would be livid with my sister. That’s where my anger would be directed— NOT at my wife.

Honestly, i would not allow my sister to just say “sorry, I don’t want to help.” I would stop enabling her. If it came down to it I would even cut her out of my life. This is the type of the thing that could end our relationship forever. I would tell her what a lowlife she’s being. Until OP, gets to the point where he’s cut off his sister for being a sad excuse for a human, he has no business being even slightly annoyed with his wife.

OP needs to man up.

Stop giving the sister a pass and making crazy demands of your wife. Enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Then his dad takes early retirement and takes care of the mom.

I’m sorry, but this is a situation where the dad and the sister are basically saying they don’t want to pay for mom’s care. That doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility. At a minimum, his dad needs to step up.

If dad uses up all his resources before a real retirement, then OP and his sister will have to figure out how to handle his care at a later date. Right now, OPs solution of putting his kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day is ridiculous. He’s going to burn out, his wife is going to be stressed and his kids will be stressed. OP’s sister is functioning as if it’s everyone’s job to subsidize her life. It’s not. She’s not going to change her attitude until OP changes his behavior.

I am not saying it SHOULD be his responsibility I am saying, as someone who lost their mom a few years ago, I can understand OP's emotional stake in this. It is his mother. All of our rationale about the wife being right can't override the emotional connection of this is his mother and he can't just throw his hands up and let the chips fall where they may. I would be mad as hell at my useless f*****g sister and her drunk ass husband and frustrated with my dad but imagine this is your mother needing (assuming you love your mom and have/had a decent relationship with her), it's not that easy. I can see why he is struggling.

If this was my mom and dad, I would be livid with my sister. That’s where my anger would be directed— NOT at my wife.

Honestly, i would not allow my sister to just say “sorry, I don’t want to help.” I would stop enabling her. If it came down to it I would even cut her out of my life. This is the type of the thing that could end our relationship forever. I would tell her what a lowlife she’s being. Until OP, gets to the point where he’s cut off his sister for being a sad excuse for a human, he has no business being even slightly annoyed with his wife.

OP needs to man up.

Stop giving the sister a pass and making crazy demands of your wife. Enough!

No the Op needs to man Op and stop trying to pass the buck to both his wife and now his sister. He needs to man up and do his part. His poor parents.

[Anonymous]

This problem is going to solve itself because if there really is a moment where mom with cognitive decline is okay with a “check in” every four hours, that moment will be fleeting.

Mom needs proper caregivers and you will have to become one, hire them or move her to nursing care. This “check in” thing is fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This problem is going to solve itself because if there really is a moment where mom with cognitive decline is okay with a “check in” every four hours, that moment will be fleeting.

Mom needs proper caregivers and you will have to become one, hire them or move her to nursing care. This “check in” thing is fantasy.

Right. It's the temporary measure they are using while they look for a more permanent solution.

FWIW, my dad had dementia around this age and spent some weeks helping my mom like this. By the time it was clear that Mom really needed help with Dad, she REALLY needed help with Dad. I'm sure that there is a similar dynamic here and Op's Dad needs all hands on deck...or at least as many as are willing to show up to help (certainly NOT Op's wife, she's useless).

[Anonymous]

^I spent some weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

How are you getting 2 evenings? OP’s sister is only willing to commit to 1 day a week. That leaves 4 days for OP.

[Anonymous]

Your dad should be handling all of this at 62.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't somebody guilt the sister who has more money and who greatly benefited from Op's mother looking after her kids. Sure, Op can help but he shouldn't be responsible for more days and more cost than his sister. Not to mention the plan is unworkable and will increase the workload for his wife. No, Op's mother made a choice to sacrifice her time and money to help her daughter. I am sure she had her reasons. But a consequence of that choice is not having a DIL willing to help her when she needed it. May OP's wife would be more willing to compromise if OP was more reasonable in his expectations and if he actually forced his sister and father to meet their obligations, not dump them on him.

Op only needs to do his 2 days. The sister can do her 2 days and they can help dad figure out how to do the 5th day.

If they all do their parts to help through the crisis then no one will feel overwhelmed.

,

But they need a backup plan as well. If someone gets sick, if there's traffic, if the sister has a crisis, if it's clear that Mom needs more.
I'm still confused re: why Mom is ok for 4 hours but not 4.5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

How are you getting 2 evenings? OP’s sister is only willing to commit to 1 day a week. That leaves 4 days for OP.

She said 1 or 2. She needs to take 2 - Monday & Tuesday for instance - those are the days she is responsible for covering. Op gets 2 days also - Wed & Thurs - those are the days that Op is responsible for covering. They will do this to give Dad some time to figure out where he can place his wife. As others have pointed out, this likely will not go on for long because Mom probably needs more full time supervision whether from in home care or at an LTC. The big thing is that Dad will know that his kids have his back. I can not tell you how important that is for your Dad right now, Op.