I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

You’d be surprised at the misinformation exchanged among teens. I had my kids talk to our pediatrician to ask their questions when they hit puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’d be surprised at the misinformation exchanged among teens. I had my kids talk to our pediatrician to ask their questions when they hit puberty.

That's really not good enough. Comprehensive sex ed /= a chance to ask your doctor questions. Information has to be presented to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was that unmarried teen and did not tell my parents because I knew they would be angry, disappointed and devastated. I took care of it myself and am forever grateful that I could do so legally and safely at 18.

My parents still don’t know but I have told other very close and trusted family and friends, including DH. It was a turning point in my life and helped me to take responsibility for myself. My boyfriend wanted to keep the baby but he was an alcoholic and already struggling financially to get through college. I do not regret my decision, only that I let my boyfriend persuade me not to use birth control during the first week after my period. He told me I couldn’t get pregnant and stupid me let myself be convinced.

I still feel sad that I couldn’t tell my parents but my mother had told me not to come home from college pregnant and had been very strict about dating before I went away. I think it is a good sign that she told you, OP. It means she needs you. I hope you will reach out to her and help guide her on her new path.

I could have written the above post, I was an unmarried 19 year old in college and couldn't tell anyone in may family and had to hide it and deal with the abortion. Luckily I had super soportive friends and boyfriend.

It's nice that she has family she can talk too and not feel ashamed. If she is set on having the baby have you discussed what her life is going to look like in 1,5 and 10 years? Does she have a car? How is she going to pay for food, clothing and her education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’d be surprised at the misinformation exchanged among teens. I had my kids talk to our pediatrician to ask their questions when they hit puberty.

That's really not good enough. Comprehensive sex ed /= a chance to ask your doctor questions. Information has to be presented to them.

They received sex ed but it was an opportunity for them to ask any question they wanted in confidence to a trusted health professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As an adoptive mom and a foster mom, I am appalled at the callousness of some of the posters here. It certainly explains a lot about how our children came to be in our hearts and home. They are a blessing every minute of every day and I cannot imagine living without them.

OP, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your daughter has a lot of trust in you that she shared the news of her pregnancy with you and that she is turning to you for help. I have some thoughts about resources but I'm not sure if this thread is the place to post them because of the vitriol from at least one poster. I will keep an eye out in other forums or for a different thread in case you post there.

Good luck to you and hugs. My best wishes for a healthy and happy grandchild who will flourish and thrive in a home filled with tons of love and support.

Didn’t they come into your home because people who couldn’t handle the responsibly of babies had babies?

Also I am grateful to you for being a foster mom. Thank you, sincerely.

Thank you. Actually I think that the mother of our foster daughters would have been a wonderful mother if she had had even a teensy bit of support back at the beginning. Unfortunately now there is so much water under the bridge legally and otherwise that she will probably never be able to recover guardianship of our beautiful girls. I am not saying that her parents (or his, for that matter) had to drop everything to support her but kicking her out of the house when she was a teen mom the first time certainly sent her spiraling down a path of no return.

I admire her greatly for her commitment to her daughters even though she knew that she was really swimming against the current alone and unsupported. I admire her for her conviction that she was trying to do what she thought was best and that she was trying to live her value system. I greatly fault all the people who were around her who could have helped but didn't, either because they thought she brought it on herself or because they didn't agree with her value system.

I wish that we had known her back when she first found out she was pregnant and when she was kicked out of her home, literally cast off and abandoned by her family. I hope and pray that my husband and I would have helped her and that our help would have changed the trajectory of her life and the lives of her daughters for the better.

I encourage everyone posting here to think about the baby. It may not be your choice for this young mother to keep the baby but that obviously is her choice. Has our society truly become a place where if you disagree with someone that you will completely turn your back on them? That because you disagree with her choice that you will punish both her and an innocent baby? That is very sad if it is true and it bodes poorly for the future of all of us.

1. It's not a baby.
2. Foster care in many states, counties, places whatever are not always good, great or even safe. Not saying it can not work, but it's a big, big risk.
3. Adoption - OP has already said, her DD is irresponsible and has made previous poor decisions. Emotionally this could turn into a nightmare.
4. She's 18 she wants to keep the pregnancy, she's an adult and it's her choice and also her responsibility. It's not OP's.

You're a pretty scary example of a human being, PP. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that unmarried teen and did not tell my parents because I knew they would be angry, disappointed and devastated. I took care of it myself and am forever grateful that I could do so legally and safely at 18.

My parents still don’t know but I have told other very close and trusted family and friends, including DH. It was a turning point in my life and helped me to take responsibility for myself. My boyfriend wanted to keep the baby but he was an alcoholic and already struggling financially to get through college. I do not regret my decision, only that I let my boyfriend persuade me not to use birth control during the first week after my period. He told me I couldn’t get pregnant and stupid me let myself be convinced.

I still feel sad that I couldn’t tell my parents but my mother had told me not to come home from college pregnant and had been very strict about dating before I went away. I think it is a good sign that she told you, OP. It means she needs you. I hope you will reach out to her and help guide her on her new path.

I could have written the above post, I was an unmarried 19 year old in college and couldn't tell anyone in may family and had to hide it and deal with the abortion. Luckily I had super soportive friends and boyfriend.

It's nice that she has family she can talk too and not feel ashamed. If she is set on having the baby have you discussed what her life is going to look like in 1,5 and 10 years? Does she have a car? How is she going to pay for food, clothing and her education?

+1 to the bolded. This girl needs help and support, not judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

How can you not know that you and your DH are the exception and not the rule? I have HS friends that both quit school at 16, got married, had their first kid at 17 and are still together 38 years later (I'm 54). Yet, the data/statistics are clear about the diminished life long prospects of girls/women n who have children in their teenaged years. How nice for you that you and your children are in the exceptions,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Did you have a job and a place to live?

[Anonymous]

People are making it sound like posters are suggestion OP throw her daughter on the street like an evangelical who found out his son was gay. No, you can show a ton of love and support without enabling a bad decision/making yourself needlessly miserable.

My mom supported my sister when she had a baby with a guy who my sister knew was a deadbeat dad. After he took off, my mom cut back her work hours to take care of the kid and put a ton of money into baby supplies. At age 65 she ran herself ragged. She had no time for anything else and was deeply unhappy. It upsets me that my sister wound use my mom like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that unmarried teen and did not tell my parents because I knew they would be angry, disappointed and devastated. I took care of it myself and am forever grateful that I could do so legally and safely at 18.

My parents still don’t know but I have told other very close and trusted family and friends, including DH. It was a turning point in my life and helped me to take responsibility for myself. My boyfriend wanted to keep the baby but he was an alcoholic and already struggling financially to get through college. I do not regret my decision, only that I let my boyfriend persuade me not to use birth control during the first week after my period. He told me I couldn’t get pregnant and stupid me let myself be convinced.

I still feel sad that I couldn’t tell my parents but my mother had told me not to come home from college pregnant and had been very strict about dating before I went away. I think it is a good sign that she told you, OP. It means she needs you. I hope you will reach out to her and help guide her on her new path.

I could have written the above post, I was an unmarried 19 year old in college and couldn't tell anyone in may family and had to hide it and deal with the abortion. Luckily I had super soportive friends and boyfriend.

It's nice that she has family she can talk too and not feel ashamed. If she is set on having the baby have you discussed what her life is going to look like in 1,5 and 10 years? Does she have a car? How is she going to pay for food, clothing and her education?

+1 to the bolded. This girl needs help and support, not judgement.

No OP gave her the tools . OP said her DD most likely did this on purpose.

Judgement is different than expecting her DD to now step up to the plate and behave like an adult. Up to this point her DD has not done that and now people think she will change. Statistics are not on her side and OP should not have to support her. She’s 18 time to get a job and move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where I live, the biggest need for foster homes is for foster parents willing to take in teen girls with babies.

OP's DD is 18 y.o. She is aged out of the foster system. What you describe only applies to teens under 18.

Also, it seems highly unlikely OP is going to put her DD in the foster system.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone speculating and making it about them or their beliefs? ugggg...

[Anonymous]

OP, tell her that she will need to go to community college. Most have child care centers, or at least MC does so others may and will need to get a part-time job to pay for expenses, child care, etc. Have her apply for a child care voucher, food stamps, medicaid, get on subsidized housing lists and as soon as the baby is born paternity test and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, tell her that she will need to go to community college. Most have child care centers, or at least MC does so others may and will need to get a part-time job to pay for expenses, child care, etc. Have her apply for a child care voucher, food stamps, medicaid, get on subsidized housing lists and as soon as the baby is born paternity test and child support.

Why does she need a paternity test? She and the boyfriend admit it was him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

So then you support her, by helping her figure out how she can support this baby (with or without the dad). Help her figure out her options - does she want to try to go to college. If not, what job can she get that will pay enough for childcare. It will be hard - for her and you - but it can work out. Do not save her from this. But do not abandon her either.