Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.
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Anonymous
Lord, the justification. Her baby won't remember it consciously but if you think never having parents around and/or having stressed parents has zero effect on your child, you're projecting your hopes about your own situation. That's not reality. OP's DH needs to step up or this can't continue. I vote for him stepping it up. |
Anonymous
Crazy thought: maybe OP actually WANTS to spend time with her infant? |
Anonymous
I’m not PP but we are double biglaw. We have: 1) An au pair 2) Daycare 3) Local, healthy, involved, loving grandparents No matter the weather, school breaks, all nighter, depositions on the other side of the globe, trial, whatever, we have coverage and a back up plan. I try to be as honest as possible with other women about this. Not everyone can replicate my situation with grandparents, and it would be much harder for someone completely focused on paying down loans (we have made the minimum payments the whole time) because it’s very expensive. |
Anonymous
OP. I'm ALL FOR husbands doing their fair share, but I'm not understanding the few comments in this thread telling him to step it up. I don't see where he's lacking. Yesterday I decided to take the advice on this thread and work late one night. I did drop off so he could get to work a little earlier to do pick up. He picked up, fed the kid leftovers from a meal he cooked her the day before, gave her a bath, put her to bed, and when I got home around 9:30 had dinner waiting for me. I ate, we talked for a bit, and then I did a little more work while he cleaned the kitchen. What do you want him to do? I guess this could be every night, and I'm pretty sure he'd do that, but as noted earlier I was trying to do the pickups so I could get some time in before bedtime. On those days, I don't see her any less than anyone doing a 9-5. But I am starting the think missing bed time once or twice a week to stay late is more manageable. I did about the same amount of work but got a couple more hours sleep. I don't enjoy missing bedtime, but I don't see how that's going to scar my kid for life. I clearly don't love this setup and want to leave, but I don't get blaming it on my husband. |
Anonymous
| I’d get a nanny or have your husband do daycare pick up |
Anonymous
OP, this sounds like a good step and positive result. I was in the middle of graduate school while working full time when my DC was born. It was hard. One thing though that really sticks out to me in hindsight is how my husband stepped up and was/is a great Dad. From 1 week old he had a day on the weekend where he had to figure it out and it really helped him bond with DC from the start. A lot of dads don't take this opportunity because it's the moms home on maternity leave and breastfeeding and imho that's where some of the moms taking on the heavy lifting on child care all starts. I don't get the posters acting like you are abandoning your child or something. He's with his father!!! It sounds like you are doing great. It will get better. |
Anonymous
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I think your DH should take on the default parent and be responsible for picking up the baby from daycare. I would also look into a nanny.
DH is a surgeon and we have seen husbands of female surgeons take on the role of dropping off and picking up. |
Anonymous
I'm one of the PPs who said your husband needs to step up. I SAH; DH is a big law partner. I've worked, then worked part-time, then worked from home, then SAH full time, so we've been through it all. When I decided to SAH full-time my sister was horrified and I remember her clearly saying to me that spouses need to contribute 50/50 on the job front and at home. This was easy for her to say, however, because she and her DH have the exact same career which they both enjoy, and they each make the same amount of money. What complicates the matter is when one partner is making much more money, has a more demanding career, and/or is more passionate about their career than the other. In our case (which is not yours), DH made orders of magnitude more money, spent a lot more time working, and found his career far more fulfilling and enjoyable than I found mine. We still believe we are contributing to our family 50/50, but I contribute more in time (including time not spent with the kids, like time managing our budget or maintaining the house or other boring tasks) and he contributes more in money. Both are valuable. I'm certainly not "blaming" your husband. It is an awesome situation when two partners can equally contribute at home and equally bring in the money, and you can't really expect a spouse to do more than 50%. But I have seen first hand that there are many men who genuinely enjoy big law, and they are able to enjoy it because they aren't doing anywhere close to 50% (or even 20%) of the childcare or housework or (above all) the mental work of having a family. These men manage to have a strong relationship with their kids, come home for dinner/bedtime most nights, are equally involved with the kids' activities. But they don't bear the "mental load" that the women in big law typically do. So often the woman - whether she works a demanding job or not - is in charge of hiring the nanny, managing the au pair. She keeps track of the kids schedules, she keeps track of the grocery lists, even if they then order online or give the list to a housekeeper. Even when you outsource a lot, there's still a mental component that women almost always do. That's the difference between those who are happy (mostly men) in big law and those who aren't. My DH (who btw loves his job, but says he'd leave in a heartbeat if I were no longer able or interested in doing what I do at home) shows up and is present with our family and our kids (often more mentally present than I am, to be honest), but he literally never thinks about paying a bill or buying toilet paper or what we're having for dinner. He never, ever spends mental energy on planning a vacation (though we discuss it on our weekly dates!) or how our investments are doing or whether a child should sign up for soccer. He went grocery shopping the other day and he realized it's been years since he's been to the grocery store unless it was to stop in and buy something for fun. He doesn't handle car repairs, or fixing our dishwasher, or yard work. He doesn't even know who we hire to mow our lawn or how much it costs. He doesn't know when I schedule our babysitter to come, and he doesn't know whether she's coming so I can go to the doctor or so I can take personal time. He is super present with the kids and knows what they like and don't like and is great at spending focused time with them. When I put family events on his calendar like soccer games or teacher conferences, he blocks it off and can show up without difficulty 95% of the time. When an issue comes up with the kids, we discuss it, and we come up with parenting decisions together. But he does not handle ANY of the mental work of having a home and a family. And this gives him the mental space to enjoy his job. Anyway, it sounds like your spouse is solidly contributing his 50% to the family and home, which is great. In fact, it seems like he's probably contributing much more than 50%. But to be even remotely happy in big law, you need a spouse who does EVEN MORE than that at home, whether in terms of actual childcare and housework, OR in terms of being in charge of hiring the nanny / au pair so that you DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. The fact that you are on here trying to figure out what to do indicates that the responsibility hasn't been shifted to your spouse, and it's that shift in responsibility that allows people (mostly men) to be happy in demanding careers like big law. I'm not saying what you or your DH should do, because I get that this kind of set up only works when both partners want it; the person working has to be okay letting go of being the primary caregiver, and the person who is the default parent has to be okay with doing a lot of thankless work for the home and family. But if you want to know how other people manage to be happy working in big law, this is how. |
Anonymous
| I'm not OP but I deeply appreciate your honesty. Great post. |
Anonymous
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Congrats OP!! Sounds like you are experimenting with ways to make this work better for you and it sounds like you married a great guy!!
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Anonymous
We all want lots of things but it sounds like she's working as hard as she can to pay off her loans this year, so from now on she can spend more time with her kids. In a world without tradeoffs or limited resources none of us would ever have to work more than we ever want, of course, and we'd have ice cream for every meal. |
Anonymous
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14:13, OP has made clear she has no interest in staying big law or making partner. She's trying to aggressively pay down her loans and has ~11 months left (right, OP?). So, your advice doesn't really apply. They're not in big law for the long haul.
OP, I'd start looking now, and focus on getting out ASAP once loans are paid off (or shortly before if you find the ideal new job). If you can do a late night or two per week, and that helps you get through this limited time, go for it. I do believe the early years are important, but you're doing your best. I wouldn't sweat that decision at all. There's enormous benefit to having no loans, as you well know. Put your head down, get it done, and look to your next steps. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Just left biglaw (for now). Two kids (4 and 6). PPs who have said that to survive in biglaw with baby you must have someone else as default parent/caregiver are 100% correct. For me, that was DH, who conveniently became unemployed shortly after our first was born. That let me focus on work, travel for work, take big cases to trial, etc. I spent time with my kids daily (except when traveling), but did not have to think about the running of a household or managing kids' school, schedules, etc.
I don't think my kids, especially when they were babies, were harmed by DH being the default parent and my working like a dog. But, over time, the situation just stopped being fun/fulfilling/tolerable/enjoyable/gratifying/tenable. DH was not happy with the full domestic load. Kids got bigger and cared more that I was gone. With all of my time spent working, sleeping, or stealing moments with my kids, it stopped feeling worth it. It felt like my life was passing me by. Luckily, I had been at it a while and had already retired my debt. Luckily, my DH was able to return to work. Luckily, after many years of intermittent searching, I got offered a tremendously interesting job with a manageable pay cut. I am less than a month into the new gig, but so far it seems to be a vast improvement. So, OP. Hang in there. You are not alone and you are not crazy. Your goal is to pay down your debt and escape. You have a plan to do that within a year. During that year, let your DH take on more (especially pick ups). Give up the (unrealistic) notion that you can do bedtime every night. Do the bare minimum to avoid getting fired and maintain a decent reputation. Do one networking lunch a week. Spend 20 minutes a day job searching. Talk to a recruiter. There is light at the end of your tunnel, but you need to stay laser focused on that light and survive long enough to get there. |
Anonymous
| You are doing great OP. Keep it up for another 18 months, and then make your move. |
Anonymous
No it really doesn’t. Junior partners take s cut in pay for buy in. Suddenly you are an associate again in terms of pressure. You are also older so it might take more time and energy than you have to spare. |