Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

For the first few years after your kids are born as a working parent you are just trying to survive and keep your head above water. Just stick it out and try to keep going one day at a time. It does get better eventually and you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

I'm the guy who wrote this. I was talking about my personal experience. I never looked at other lawyers -- men or women -- and tried to guess whether they were stuck or not. I'm just telling you how I felt as the sole breadwinner. Again, so sorry I'm a man. I should have known that saying what I said would incur the wrath/sarcasm of at least one DCUM professional woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two parents in big law. We make it work by sharing the mental load equally. Outsourcing what we can (housekeeping, childcare, cooking) so that the time we have with kids is quality time. We are fulfilled professionally and personally. You can do it - the baby years are short and the long term rewards of becoming more senior and having a ton of flexibility are so worth it for us. Good luck to you either way!

LOL. What's the difference between "childcare" and "quality time"? You sound more like a grandparent than a parent ha ha.

[Anonymous]

12:36, I must say that I feel like details are missing from your narrative, sorry. You must have had a nanny or help from family with both of you in BigLaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:36, I must say that I feel like details are missing from your narrative, sorry. You must have had a nanny or help from family with both of you in BigLaw.

You should quote the author. No idea who you're talking about and can't find "12:36"

[Anonymous]

Hire out everything, including meal planning/prep. Let DH take care of baby afterwork so you can focus on handling those annoying emails. Big Law is tough but pays well, so if you need that money and want the brass ring, you need to pay to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

I'm the guy who wrote this. I was talking about my personal experience. I never looked at other lawyers -- men or women -- and tried to guess whether they were stuck or not. I'm just telling you how I felt as the sole breadwinner. Again, so sorry I'm a man. I should have known that saying what I said would incur the wrath/sarcasm of at least one DCUM professional woman.

NP and I read the PP as commiserating about being the breadwinner. Try to chin up and give people the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

I'm the guy who wrote this. I was talking about my personal experience. I never looked at other lawyers -- men or women -- and tried to guess whether they were stuck or not. I'm just telling you how I felt as the sole breadwinner. Again, so sorry I'm a man. I should have known that saying what I said would incur the wrath/sarcasm of at least one DCUM professional woman.

NP and I read the PP as commiserating about being the breadwinner. Try to chin up and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Same. Dude has quite the chip on his shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

I'm the guy who wrote this. I was talking about my personal experience. I never looked at other lawyers -- men or women -- and tried to guess whether they were stuck or not. I'm just telling you how I felt as the sole breadwinner. Again, so sorry I'm a man. I should have known that saying what I said would incur the wrath/sarcasm of at least one DCUM professional woman.

NP and I read the PP as commiserating about being the breadwinner. Try to chin up and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Same. Dude has quite the chip on his shoulder.

+2

[Anonymous]

So does it get better if you are partner? Like you hold off having children till you become partner. Understand they work just as hard but there should be more flexibility right? (assuming that you still can have children easily despite ama)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on your field in BigLaw. My DH was in Corporate/VC/M&A and was at two different firms. The partners were all miserable, even the rainmakers. The rainmakers were slightly less miserable because of the money, but still miserable. There is no time off, no vacation. They are fine with you taking a vacation, it doesn't bother them, because they are going to email and call you like you are working from home.

After DH left the second firm, he was asked to meet with some of the partners to discuss their retention issue as several other mid to senior associates left within a year of DH. The funny thing was that none of the partners proposed solutions to the issue involved lawyers working less or getting paid more.

Get out as soon as you can. And never look back. My DH left once, was dissatisfied with his job in the private sector, decided to try firm #2 (his outside counsel recruited him) and only made it one year at firm two before realizing it was not worth it.

+1. I was in capital markets and there is just no way to dial back when there is a deal. These large companies want to raise money when the market is right for them and sometimes that happens with very little notice and there is a huge volume of paperwork to prepare for the deal to close and everything is a super tight timeline. In that practice area it would be impossible to be offline from 5-7 during a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

I was just checking in on OP when I saw this. I'm a woman who earns 3/4 of the family annual income and don't have a SAH. I too feel stuck! Here's the crazy part: We don't spend all of our money. We probably live off of half of our combined income so could live off his...almost.

I just want you to know that when you are looking at women at work, some may be "stuck'' or the breadwinner or the alpha to another's beta.

and I wonder if your name is Paul?

I'm the guy who wrote this. I was talking about my personal experience. I never looked at other lawyers -- men or women -- and tried to guess whether they were stuck or not. I'm just telling you how I felt as the sole breadwinner. Again, so sorry I'm a man. I should have known that saying what I said would incur the wrath/sarcasm of at least one DCUM professional woman.

NP and I read the PP as commiserating about being the breadwinner. Try to chin up and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Same. Dude has quite the chip on his shoulder.

+2

Maybe you're right. Sorry. I was thrown off by the "Is your name Paul?" comment. Now I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all of the advice/supportive comments. I'm still working through them.

Want to note one thing - I have no desire to make partner. Zero. I want to pay back my loans and learn as much as I can before going to the next thing.

keep your eye on the prize lady. do it.

This is real light at the end of the tunnel! I agree that this is by far the hardest time to be juggling everything, but you're making serious progress on your loan and that's no small thing! I agree with everyone saying you should get a nanny or maybe an evening helper depending on your and your DH's schedules. Just outsource to get through this last slog.

+ 1

The good news is your baby won’t remember this time period any way. So honestly, it’s better to work long hours now than when they’re a bit older (pre-k +) and really want to spend time with you.

Just envision your future now...

You’ve gotten rid of your shackles ... err student loans.

You have a baller big law resume to shop around (in house, smaller firm, DOJ)?? The world is your working mom oyster.

You are DONE pumping (yay!!). Kid is sleeping (mostly). Kid stays up later so you can really enjoy family time in the evenings.

It will get so.much.better.

[Anonymous]

I was in a worse situation than op. I hung in there for 10 years until one day I couldn't bear it anymore and I quit. I spent most of my time with my kids for a few years. I made huge sacrifice in terms of income, but I gained sanity, tons of time for my kids and myself, and SLEEP. I was fortunate that I could afford staying at home. Now kids are older and I am back to work. Absolutely love my job! My former co-workers make at least double of my income now but I don't regret quitting. I still have many years left to work, and I am optimistic that I will do well enough to live a happy and healthy life. Sorry I don't have advice for you but I wanted to let you know there are options.

[Anonymous]

Can your husband step down? Either less hours or stay at home? I don't actually believe it's possible to have a big law job and a baby and do a decent job at either.