Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

I would take the friends that do NOT have to please Queen Be or Wanna Be - I don't care if they live in a shoe, personally.

So, you like them if they live in a shoe, but not if they live in a large house. Why does your judgement only sway one way?

You realize even being an “average” DCUM person, you’re someone else’s “Queen Bee or Wannabe”, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

DH and I are both Ivy League educated. The reason we want our kids to attend public is so they can be friends with normal kids. We want them to be friends with kids like us when we were younger.

I am not trying to make this a public or private school debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

Well, at least you are honest?

I feel differently, having close friends that went to top privates, and knowing what went on. No way in hell would I pay for that, especially if you can afford the so-called top public school districts. Or maybe the top school districts in this area aren't really so great, after all?

Anyway, I can't afford a big house or private school, so it really is a moot point. For those of you who can, good for you, I say. It has nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

I would take the friends that do NOT have to please Queen Be or Wanna Be - I don't care if they live in a shoe, personally.

So, you like them if they live in a shoe, but not if they live in a large house. Why does your judgement only sway one way?

You realize even being an “average” DCUM person, you’re someone else’s “Queen Bee or Wannabe”, right?

On what criteria? Because you think I live in a shoe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

DH and I are both Ivy League educated. The reason we want our kids to attend public is so they can be friends with normal kids. We want them to be friends with kids like us when we were younger.

I am not trying to make this a public or private school debate.

PP here. This is the people I am referring to. We have some friends who are Ivy League educated. Some of those live in small houses, some in large houses. It never occurred to DH or I to ask where they went to school. We do shy away from people who went to private school, or who send their kids to private school, because we know too much about private school life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

DH and I are both Ivy League educated. The reason we want our kids to attend public is so they can be friends with normal kids. We want them to be friends with kids like us when we were younger.

I am not trying to make this a public or private school debate.

Then enjoy all that comes with it. And don’t be angry when thy don’t get into Ivy League schools because they didn’t go to the right high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your house comfortable to hang out in? Would I feel okay putting my toddler down the moment we walked in the front door, or would I feel the need to pick him up at the door until we'd walked through the "formal" part of the house to the "play" part of the house? While I would have no problem being "grown-up" friends independent of my kids with someone whose house was that kind of showpiece, I probably wouldn't end up becoming "mom" friends, where a big part of our friend centers around getting our kids together for play dates, with someone who lived in that kind of house because I don't know that I'd ever feel truly comfortable having my kid in the space for fear of damaging something.

What on earth would a toddler "damage"?

Um, breakable objects stylishly arranged on tables within their reach?

Like what? The rich people I know, who happen to own large houses, have minimalist style (no knick knacks) - that has been in style for years now. Not sure where people are getting these outrageous assumptions?

Before you go around showing your ass, maybe you should read the whole post. I didn't assume anything, I asked her about the nature of her home in case the issue was something other than what she appreciated. Not all people, wealthy or not, have the same interior design tastes, so what the wealthy people you know have in their homes is pretty much irrelevant to what OP may have in her home. I would be asking the same thing if OP had a more modest home and experienced that other moms weren't comfortable coming over for play dates.

And the nature of what could be damaged could be anything -- breakable items, super expensive wallpaper she's afraid her child might scratch, a white couch her child might rub against while sporting a previously-undetected spot of food on their shirt, etc. It's a question of how kid-friendly the house is, regardless of its size.

LOL. I just can't. This is hilarious, but not as this PP intended.

And what, pray tell, does "showing your ass" mean? I am not up on the classy jargon.

DP, but I think it’s a more southern expression. It means to make a fool of yourself without realizing it, such as if you’d accidentally tucked your skirt into your hose and thus had your ass on display to the world without knowing it.

NP - thanks for the explanation. Never heard the expression before. Well worth slogging through 13 pages of this to learn something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

I would take the friends that do NOT have to please Queen Be or Wanna Be - I don't care if they live in a shoe, personally.

So, you like them if they live in a shoe, but not if they live in a large house. Why does your judgement only sway one way?

You realize even being an “average” DCUM person, you’re someone else’s “Queen Bee or Wannabe”, right?

On what criteria? Because you think I live in a shoe?

Read again. Your private school and Ivy education didn’t do as much for you as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

Values? Like judging people?

You mean judging people who choose to knowingly destroy the Earth (either by living in an excessively large home or working as a oil lobbyist)? Yup!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

Values? Like judging people?

You mean judging people who choose to knowingly destroy the Earth (either by living in an excessively large home or working as a oil lobbyist)? Yup!

You walk to work and make your own laundry detergent, and don’t own a refrigerator? Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are 15000 square foot houses around here even located? Way out in some random exurb? That would be way more off putting to me than the actual size.

Here's one in McLean. Inside the Beltway. That took me less than one minute to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

I would take the friends that do NOT have to please Queen Be or Wanna Be - I don't care if they live in a shoe, personally.

So, you like them if they live in a shoe, but not if they live in a large house. Why does your judgement only sway one way?

You realize even being an “average” DCUM person, you’re someone else’s “Queen Bee or Wannabe”, right?

On what criteria? Because you think I live in a shoe?

Read again. Your private school and Ivy education didn’t do as much for you as you think.

I don’t have either. So, what y’all so angry about?

[Anonymous]

Meh - if our kids get along, we'll give anything a try. But we only became really good friends with a handful of other parents. The size of your house is pretty low on the list of qualities that matter to me, although I agree with other posters that the environmental footprint would give me pause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

Values? Like judging people?

You mean judging people who choose to knowingly destroy the Earth (either by living in an excessively large home or working as a oil lobbyist)? Yup!

You walk to work and make your own laundry detergent, and don’t own a refrigerator? Good for you!

Yes because that’s exactly the same thing. Why don’t we all pour antifreeze in the water supply while we’re at it? Who needs this planet anyway?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

DH and I are both Ivy League educated. The reason we want our kids to attend public is so they can be friends with normal kids. We want them to be friends with kids like us when we were younger.

I am not trying to make this a public or private school debate.

PP here. This is the people I am referring to. We have some friends who are Ivy League educated. Some of those live in small houses, some in large houses. It never occurred to DH or I to ask where they went to school. We do shy away from people who went to private school, or who send their kids to private school, because we know too much about private school life.

PP, do you consider yourself to be open-minded? Welcoming of different points of view?