Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

WTH does it matter what my criteria is, if I am not the one living there? Are they storing dead bodies of their nemeses in the extra rooms?

so if someone eats their own poop, say, I am not supposed to judge her because it's her body and doesn't harm in any way?

Yes, because we all know that is what people in large houses do? Or is it small houses? Not following your lack of logic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.

Your parents don't need their own 4,000 sq ft of living space to be comfortable staying with you. If anything, I wonder sometimes how much people value their families when they buy houses seemingly designed to let everyone get as far away from each other as possible.

Say what? My friends who have large houses seem to be the gathering spaces for our large group of friends and our children - great not only for hide and seek, but also for their game room and their wide assortment of spaces that my house will never have. Y'all are small minded as they get. No wonder y'all are so jelly and insecure when you hear Larla has this or that. We all know you are teaching your kids your toxic ways. Good luck with that.

Yes. That’s true. My sister in law has a large 6000 sq ft house. It’s been a gathering place for us and the extended family is huge. We don’t need 15,000 sq ft to gather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

Wondering how you know this? Do you know what they can or can not afford? What if they can not afford the old shack, but live there anyway? And do the private school thing anyway? So many questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

Check. Ask anyone who invites you to their house: "Not sure, what is it you do for a living, and can a see a pay stub and last year's taxes - make that taxes from the past seven years, first?" I know if I had that money, I would certainly comply! Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

It would never occur to me that this is the reason someone didn't want to be friends with you. Although I suppose 15,000 is a bit excessive so maybe they are wondering about your values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

Wondering if these people quiz other potential playdate moms: "how many houses do you own"?" "and how did you acquire that?" If the answer (whether or not it is the entire truth) meets their "specifications", then you might go on the playdate, or not? What if the person is a lobbyist for a cause you don't believe in? What if they inherited a small fortune once all of their parents died? I don't understand people who think they have the entire picture, when people only tell you what they want you to know. It makes me think that some people are not nearly as smart as they think they are. Funny.

Same applies - your values do not align with mine - not going to be your friend. Your actions have consequences.

Values? Like judging people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

WTH does it matter what my criteria is, if I am not the one living there? Are they storing dead bodies of their nemeses in the extra rooms?

so if someone eats their own poop, say, I am not supposed to judge her because it's her body and doesn't harm in any way?

Yes, because we all know that is what people in large houses do? Or is it small houses? Not following your lack of logic?

the logic exposes your fakery fake attitude that we are only supposed to judge others when their decisions have impact on us. that is false and therefore your "but you don't live in that house" is response is beside the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

So, if you’re so worried about “excessive”, do you also limit your friends by what you might deem too “inexessive/diminutive”? Or do you solely stick with the Joneses?

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and I’m glad for that, personally.

I would take the friends that do NOT have to please Queen Be or Wanna Be - I don't care if they live in a shoe, personally.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PP’s talking about schools. I have attended public and private schools and have taught and volunteered in both. I value public schools and will likely send my kids to them, but if I can afford private I would do it in a heartbeat They provide a lot that public schools cannot, and I say that as a huge supporter of public schools with 5 educators in my immediate and extended family. No public school can provide the high level of individualized instruction and small class size that a good private school can. They just can’t. And yes, having access to their college counselors and graduating from a private school can help your kids into a better college.

So as someone who prioritizes education and also the environment and judicious use of resources, I would not have anything in common with the OP, who prioritizes a gaudy McMansion over her children’s educations and doesn’t even see or acknowledge the good fortune of her life or seem to own her choices. I don’t understand the disconnect from her—she justifies her house size like it’s totally normal for a 5 member family to live in that size of a house and is acting surprised that it’s off putting. OP seems out of touch with reality so it’s no wonder most average moms aren’t connecting with you and your lavish, privileged lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your house comfortable to hang out in? Would I feel okay putting my toddler down the moment we walked in the front door, or would I feel the need to pick him up at the door until we'd walked through the "formal" part of the house to the "play" part of the house? While I would have no problem being "grown-up" friends independent of my kids with someone whose house was that kind of showpiece, I probably wouldn't end up becoming "mom" friends, where a big part of our friend centers around getting our kids together for play dates, with someone who lived in that kind of house because I don't know that I'd ever feel truly comfortable having my kid in the space for fear of damaging something.

What on earth would a toddler "damage"?

Um, breakable objects stylishly arranged on tables within their reach?

Like what? The rich people I know, who happen to own large houses, have minimalist style (no knick knacks) - that has been in style for years now. Not sure where people are getting these outrageous assumptions?

Before you go around showing your ass, maybe you should read the whole post. I didn't assume anything, I asked her about the nature of her home in case the issue was something other than what she appreciated. Not all people, wealthy or not, have the same interior design tastes, so what the wealthy people you know have in their homes is pretty much irrelevant to what OP may have in her home. I would be asking the same thing if OP had a more modest home and experienced that other moms weren't comfortable coming over for play dates.

And the nature of what could be damaged could be anything -- breakable items, super expensive wallpaper she's afraid her child might scratch, a white couch her child might rub against while sporting a previously-undetected spot of food on their shirt, etc. It's a question of how kid-friendly the house is, regardless of its size.

LOL. I just can't. This is hilarious, but not as this PP intended.

And what, pray tell, does "showing your ass" mean? I am not up on the classy jargon.

DP, but I think it’s a more southern expression. It means to make a fool of yourself without realizing it, such as if you’d accidentally tucked your skirt into your hose and thus had your ass on display to the world without knowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

is there a house size that you would find excessive? how about 30000sqft? 50000? 500000?

I mean at some point everybody agrees that the house is too big. while not everyone most people agree that some ~ 6000+ should be close to the limit.

this has nothing to with living shitshacks. but at least those people have limited budget so they bought what they could. what is OP's excuse? oh yes, older kids needed to have their own wings and occasional visitors needed their own mansion within mansion. ridiculous.

WTH does it matter what my criteria is, if I am not the one living there? Are they storing dead bodies of their nemeses in the extra rooms?

so if someone eats their own poop, say, I am not supposed to judge her because it's her body and doesn't harm in any way?

Yes, because we all know that is what people in large houses do? Or is it small houses? Not following your lack of logic?

the logic exposes your fakery fake attitude that we are only supposed to judge others when their decisions have impact on us. that is false and therefore your "but you don't live in that house" is response is beside the point.

Confused. Is it the jealous people who are fake, then? Like when they pretend they don't get so mad about what other people have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your house comfortable to hang out in? Would I feel okay putting my toddler down the moment we walked in the front door, or would I feel the need to pick him up at the door until we'd walked through the "formal" part of the house to the "play" part of the house? While I would have no problem being "grown-up" friends independent of my kids with someone whose house was that kind of showpiece, I probably wouldn't end up becoming "mom" friends, where a big part of our friend centers around getting our kids together for play dates, with someone who lived in that kind of house because I don't know that I'd ever feel truly comfortable having my kid in the space for fear of damaging something.

What on earth would a toddler "damage"?

Um, breakable objects stylishly arranged on tables within their reach?

Like what? The rich people I know, who happen to own large houses, have minimalist style (no knick knacks) - that has been in style for years now. Not sure where people are getting these outrageous assumptions?

Before you go around showing your ass, maybe you should read the whole post. I didn't assume anything, I asked her about the nature of her home in case the issue was something other than what she appreciated. Not all people, wealthy or not, have the same interior design tastes, so what the wealthy people you know have in their homes is pretty much irrelevant to what OP may have in her home. I would be asking the same thing if OP had a more modest home and experienced that other moms weren't comfortable coming over for play dates.

And the nature of what could be damaged could be anything -- breakable items, super expensive wallpaper she's afraid her child might scratch, a white couch her child might rub against while sporting a previously-undetected spot of food on their shirt, etc. It's a question of how kid-friendly the house is, regardless of its size.

LOL. I just can't. This is hilarious, but not as this PP intended.

And what, pray tell, does "showing your ass" mean? I am not up on the classy jargon.

DP, but I think it’s a more southern expression. It means to make a fool of yourself without realizing it, such as if you’d accidentally tucked your skirt into your hose and thus had your ass on display to the world without knowing it.

See, you'd have to have a fat hairy one to be offended by that.

[Anonymous]

Also, did OP really accept a hand me down from a military wife? That seems so odd if she is a new friend. She will likely feel weird about this if she has not been to your house.