My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is also lazy.

I think the nice way to put this would be something like “exhibits deficits in executive functioning” and is “inattentive,” but the truth is that he is a stupid and lazy man. In decisions big and small, he doesn’t have any ideas, asks me questions like “what should we do?” as if I have a manual, and shuts down easily. When crises hit, I am both the idea person and the doer. I can’t entrust tasks to him because the simplest job is an opportunity to shirk, forget, or make some idiotic mistake I couldn’t even imagine was possible.

Before we had a child and all sorts of difficulties hit, his deficits were well hidden. He was slow to do basic things, but there was not nearly as much to do. And I am a very energetic, take-charge person who naturally assumes responsibility. Now, however, there is simply too much for me to take on, no matter how much energy I have. I work 60-80 hour weeks, while he works no more than 40. Yet, I have to do most things.

He can’t be trusted with our child’s appointments because when he goes, he checks out and forgets to tell the doctor important information and then forgets what the doctor told him. He can’t be trusted with our child’s medication because it is a controlled substance with a precise dose and he likes to pour “roughly” enough. He forgets to feed her when I’m not home. He can’t even grocery shop.

It has gotten to the point at which I struggle to talk to him with respect, which makes him even more nervous and helpless. I have never heard of sheer stupidity as a ground for divorce, but that is where I am.

Lucky dude.

[Anonymous]

If OP's husband is stupid, and she chose him, what does that make her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

Forgetting to feed a child is well beyond anything you describe

I agree that in OP's case, there might be more going on!

But my husband with ADHD has missed feeding our kids. He has no internal clock and doesn't check what time it is, gets involved with a preferred task and completely ignores everything else. Which is why I had to do everything kid-related when they were little, for their own safety.

When you read about parents forgetting to bring their infant from the car to the daycare, and going to work, these are probably people with inattentive ADHD.

My H has ADHD. He also forgets to feed the kids. OP isn't being a bitch. Being married to these people is having your life blood and energy sucked out of you on a daily basis and they give you so little in return and don't get why you are upset. Its having the same conversation thousands of times because they never remember a damn thing. They don't even remember the previous discussion. H wasn't diagnosed until after marriage when the stressors hit. I out earn him and he will only agree to divorce if I pay for his rent for a 2 bedroom apartment. I couldn't possibly do that and still pay for all the other expenses and child related expenses too. Not to mention, I am terrified of a judge awarding any sort of custody to him for my children's safety. He will walk away from them in crowded spaces to buy a soda without even blinking. They are ages 6 and under. He doesn't see what the big deal is and feels completely justified because he was thirsty. When our oldest was learning to walk, he used to refuse to bring in his legs as she tried to walk by him. She would fall on her head and cry. He said if she fell on her head often enough, she would learn to avoid his legs. No concept that a 13 month old couldn't reason like that.

[Anonymous]

NP. Their total lack of reaction time to danger around kids practically gave me anxiety.
* Reparking the car- don't realize their 3 yo followed them out.
*2 yo with fingers in hinge of heavy door that the wind is slamming shut. he just sits there chatting w his friend.
* Baby slowly rolling out couch onto hardware floor, and he mother saying "catch her!". No response.
* 2 yo following him out the door and it slams right on her. No response.

Actually his response was to get angry and defensive since usually at the point of danger someone was shouting at him to stop or to do something.

I cringe when he says he's taking the kids to the pool. It's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Their total lack of reaction time to danger around kids practically gave me anxiety.
* Reparking the car- don't realize their 3 yo followed them out.
*2 yo with fingers in hinge of heavy door that the wind is slamming shut. he just sits there chatting w his friend.
* Baby slowly rolling out couch onto hardware floor, and he mother saying "catch her!". No response.
* 2 yo following him out the door and it slams right on her. No response.

Actually his response was to get angry and defensive since usually at the point of danger someone was shouting at him to stop or to do something.

I cringe when he says he's taking the kids to the pool. It's horrible.

Mine "watches" our kids in the pool who use puddle jumpers to swim by standing at the pool edge reading his phone. He claims to know what is going on with them while they are swimming but doubt he would notice if one drowned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

So true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Their total lack of reaction time to danger around kids practically gave me anxiety.
* Reparking the car- don't realize their 3 yo followed them out.
*2 yo with fingers in hinge of heavy door that the wind is slamming shut. he just sits there chatting w his friend.
* Baby slowly rolling out couch onto hardware floor, and he mother saying "catch her!". No response.
* 2 yo following him out the door and it slams right on her. No response.

Actually his response was to get angry and defensive since usually at the point of danger someone was shouting at him to stop or to do something.

I cringe when he says he's taking the kids to the pool. It's horrible.

Mine "watches" our kids in the pool who use puddle jumpers to swim by standing at the pool edge reading his phone. He claims to know what is going on with them while they are swimming but doubt he would notice if one drowned.

My 6yo came back from the pool sad that she couldn't swim. I asked if Dad was teaching her all those times they went, and she said No, he sits in the chair and reads his Iphone.
Now she is self conscience noticing that all the other kids' moms and dads are engaging with their kids and can swim, and she has No and No. I am home with the baby twins. No need for Iphone at the pool at 7pm or on weekends. Just ADHD addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Their total lack of reaction time to danger around kids practically gave me anxiety.
* Reparking the car- don't realize their 3 yo followed them out.
*2 yo with fingers in hinge of heavy door that the wind is slamming shut. he just sits there chatting w his friend.
* Baby slowly rolling out couch onto hardware floor, and he mother saying "catch her!". No response.
* 2 yo following him out the door and it slams right on her. No response.

Actually his response was to get angry and defensive since usually at the point of danger someone was shouting at him to stop or to do something.

I cringe when he says he's taking the kids to the pool. It's horrible.

The slow reaction speed is scary. For most of my kids’ lives, I made excuses to drive them anywhere that required the beltway and XDH was happy to stay home. XDH tailgates and often doesn’t remember to use his beams at night on suburban roads. (I gave up trying to insist on high beams for unlit rural roads.) I used to have nightmares about the car in front of him stopping suddenly, or a deer running out in front of him, or worse, a small child. Once or twice I yelled “stop!” in fear and he actually thanked me for averting an accident. My kids do their own driving now and I finally breathe easier.

[Anonymous]

It is never really easy to know how a person will actually behave once you have kids together. Some of these problems don't rear their heads until the kids come. I am sorry OP, but think of this: step father likely no better. If you leave, it should only be for your own social situation, do not for one minute think your kids' lives will be enhanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Wow, maybe he does have ADHD. It is as if you are describing my husband exactly. With all that is already on my plate, I do not have the time to coddle him through going to get evaluated and treated though. He doesn’t want to face reality. I feel like a hostage because I worry about sharing custody with this simpleton, but life with him is intolerable.

Wow. I think I have my answer.

You do not have time to "coddle" him because you feel like he's a "simpleton." Sounds like he'd be better off without you, truth be told.

And instead of insisting everything he does is a problem, you might look in the mirror and consider if you'd benefit from anger management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Wow, maybe he does have ADHD. It is as if you are describing my husband exactly. With all that is already on my plate, I do not have the time to coddle him through going to get evaluated and treated though. He doesn’t want to face reality. I feel like a hostage because I worry about sharing custody with this simpleton, but life with him is intolerable.

Wow. I think I have my answer.

You do not have time to "coddle" him because you feel like he's a "simpleton." Sounds like he'd be better off without you, truth be told.

And instead of insisting everything he does is a problem, you might look in the mirror and consider if you'd benefit from anger management.


First order condition is H's ADHD. If he won't admit he has a problem, then all the $$$ for tests, appts, medicine will be for naught. He has to want to improve. He has to see the seriousness of his issues.

The problem is his ADHD brain keeps messing up. The problem is not someone is disappointed, let down and angry for all these constant mess-ups. Being angry is a natural reaction to living with an ADHD partner. Always not doing half of what you agreed to do is not normal.

During the first 1 or 2 years of treatment he WILL have to be coddled, like a baby. He has to build adult executive functioning skills, organization systems that work for him, time management schedules that are more efficient and effective, actually have to do a basic level of planning for things. He will need to be coddled.

Meanwhile, you will have to still be primary adult in the household, he is not capable.


If coddling your adult husband is not for you, then seriously consider divorce or just cutting him out of most household responsibilities and simplifying his life as much as possible so he is not overwhelmed and short-circuiting. If you divorce and have to suffer through 50/50 custody with an ADHD'er it will be the same hell on earth and possibly worse for your kids since a true adult will not be with them 50% of the month. Not funny. Quite scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is never really easy to know how a person will actually behave once you have kids together. Some of these problems don't rear their heads until the kids come. I am sorry OP, but think of this: step father likely no better. If you leave, it should only be for your own social situation, do not for one minute think your kids' lives will be enhanced.

why are you bringing up potential step-fathers into this?
You mean space cadet will remarry? Or you will remarry a terrible man?
Trust me, after ADHD spouse, getting remarried in order to take care of an adult man is the farther desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

So true

He needs a simpleton life. He simply cannot handle a life with a job, a wife, 1 or 2 kids, a house, two cars, two sets of parents, bills, 4 people's schedules, school, nanny, wife's job, exercise, TV time, etc.

He needs job, TV, go on dates to find someone to coddle him. That's it. He can Disney Dad it a couple days a week as well. He should be able to focus and compartmentalize that 2 days a week like a switch. In real life there is not a Family On/Off switch, but for an ADD divorced guy, it could be the perfect solutoin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the man a favor and let him go. He will blossom once he has his freedom back and does not have to endure your taunting ridicule. Set him free!!!

So true

Since he's stupid he's gonna have an affair anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never really easy to know how a person will actually behave once you have kids together. Some of these problems don't rear their heads until the kids come. I am sorry OP, but think of this: step father likely no better. If you leave, it should only be for your own social situation, do not for one minute think your kids' lives will be enhanced.

why are you bringing up potential step-fathers into this?
You mean space cadet will remarry? Or you will remarry a terrible man?
Trust me, after ADHD spouse, getting remarried in order to take care of an adult man is the farther desire.

Remarried 10 yrs after divorcing ADHD XH. Amazing difference having a true partner in life and not a man-child.