Reply to In shock - he cheated

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yeah, I don't think I could get past the fact that he was still screwing around at the same time he was proposing to you, right? Why did he ask you to marry him if he was enjoying a life where he dates around? [/quote]

This.

he is not an honest person-in any way. Sorry- but this is not a personality attribute that changes. Ever. Deal with it now and cut your losses while you are young.[/quote]

I am so sorry to respond so late to this thread ... I have not had time to read through it all yet, but I feel compelled to respond right now to this post.  I am currently going through a traumatic revelation about my own husband's dishonesty.  The important difference is that we have been married 30 years.  No, this is not the first time I have learned he is a dishonest person.  That fact was revealed to me many times over the years and I looked the other way because I did not want it to be true.  I basically gave him permission to continue his dishonesty because each time he was caught in a lie (which before now was never about another woman), I was hurt and angry but then got over it.  I told myself things like "nobody's is perfect" and "at least it is not about another woman" and "now that I have clearly told him how hurtful this is, he will surely change."

Someone who gives himself permission to be blatantly dishonest to you for his own convenience will do so again and again and again.  Grieve the loss of what you thought you had and move on NOW!!!  Otherwise you are just postponing the misery and allowing the complications of leaving to grow exponentially over time.  Oh how I wish I had left when I was young ...[/quote]

I didn't write this, but I agree -- dishonesty is often repeated.  As women, we are pressured culturally to forgive, reconcile and reminded often of our own inadequacies and imperfections.  I would be very careful to look at patterns, OP.

In retrospect, one thing I wish I'd done during the reconciliation process after cheating was to negotiate a post-nuptial agreement.  It seems weird to negotiate your separation while you're trying to reconcile, but I believe it would have given me a much bigger sense of safety and I believe it would have made my now exDH understand much more clearly just what he was going to lose and how capable I was of leaving him.  [/quote]

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