Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Are you bragging about having a self centered husband who does not value family?

Oh, please. Not PP, but I SAH and I do 90+% of the house work and child care and running around. DH is able to work long hours and make $$$ because he doesn't have to worry about the daily "grind". I hate WOH. He hates the work I do. I appreciate that I don't have to commute and work a 9-5. He appreciates he doesn't have to come home to a dirty house in need of cleaning, or to run errands, or find food or do other house work.

Just because he isn't cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry and cooking dinner doesn't make him uninvolved or that he de-values our family. It's because I do all that I do that he is so involved, because his time away from work is spent doing family things instead of trying to keep our heads above water, getting the daily necessities accomplished in between him coming home and going to bed.

So you do all the shit work so he has the luxury of being involved in the fun stuff with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Oh, please. Not PP, but I SAH and I do 90+% of the house work and child care and running around. DH is able to work long hours and make $$$ because he doesn't have to worry about the daily "grind". I hate WOH. He hates the work I do. I appreciate that I don't have to commute and work a 9-5. He appreciates he doesn't have to come home to a dirty house in need of cleaning, or to run errands, or find food or do other house work.

You are literally doing way, way more than OP's wife. I imagine if he was married to you, he might not be as frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

[Anonymous]

I think it became a flame war because some PP were saying that what OPs wife did was fine and men should be OK with being defaulted into a breadwinner role without discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

This thread is about unilaterally decision making, not SAHM v. wOHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

He IS being an adult by bankrolling another adult who chooses to get a free ride without discussing with her husband first. Do you ever just walk into a job and announce that you work here now?

What exactly is she taking off his shoulders other than childcare? Not cooking. Not cleaning. The woman forced herself onto a job, and she isn't even very good at it. Yeah, he doesn't have to understand, he just has to fund it, according to you.

[Anonymous]

I often think a lot of people on DCUM would find their relationships more fulfilling if they discussed these issues with their spouses rather than venting about them here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

Really, it isn't surprising, there is a diehard contingent of posters who are always happy and eager to attack another woman's desire to be a SAH mom.

OP, I hope you and your wife can develop better communication skills so that you can understand what her motivations are, and she can understand why you are stressed. It sounds like you do want this marriage to work, so I'd ignore all the crazy ranting of "unilateral decision," and work with your wife to get to a place where you are both happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

He IS being an adult by bankrolling another adult who chooses to get a free ride without discussing with her husband first. Do you ever just walk into a job and announce that you work here now?

What exactly is she taking off his shoulders other than childcare? Not cooking. Not cleaning. The woman forced herself onto a job, and she isn't even very good at it. Yeah, he doesn't have to understand, he just has to fund it, according to you.

And that's one of the big problems here. Staying at home is a job -- and if you're not good at that job, you shouldn't be doing it! It sounds like she is good at one part of that job, childcare, but she's not good at all the other responsibilities this job entails. If there is an agreement that everything else will be outsourced, that's one thing, but that's not what happened here. I totally understand OP's frustration, and it's legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

Really, it isn't surprising, there is a diehard contingent of posters who are always happy and eager to attack another woman's desire to be a SAH mom.

OP, I hope you and your wife can develop better communication skills so that you can understand what her motivations are, and she can understand why you are stressed. It sounds like you do want this marriage to work, so I'd ignore all the crazy ranting of "unilateral decision," and work with your wife to get to a place where you are both happy.

No one on this thread has attacked OP's wife's desire to SAH. No one.

What most (including me) take issue with is her acting on that desire (and thereby vastly changing her family's situation in many ways) without any discussion of any kind with her husband, and her ongoing refusal to engage in any discussion (via crying).

[Anonymous]

People always talk about how much a SAHP's work is worth if he/she were getting paid, but what about the corollary? That is, if the SAHP isn't doing a good job, should he/she be forced to give up SAHP and start looking for a paying job? Who gets to decide whether the SAHP is doing a good job? Only the SAHP?

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

[Anonymous]

OP has already stated that he has tried to communicate with DW about this, and she always resorts to what I consider emotional blackmail - crying, acting out, etc. Theatrics has no place in a productive, normal, adult conversation. DW is crying in order to evade the conversation.

If she wants to be a SAH, then she needs to own it, and Discuss it clearly, calmly, and rationally with OP. She needs to bring her own part to the table, which is both to answer exactly why it is important for her not to return to the workforce at this time, and to address OPs concerns about insurance, financial stability, family work life balance, etc. She doesn't get to just decide, and not put in the legwork to help plan the solution to the consequences. They also need to discuss expectations of what the new roles mean for home responsibility and division of labour, finances, etc. That's what a team/ couple do.

OP, I totally understand your resentment and frustration. Histrionics have no place in this. I think if you were clear on what's going on, you wouldn't feel so resentful. Good for you for going to counselling. your wife sounds like she could benefit from some too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

His wife forced him to become a 100% breadwinner without consulting or discussing him and HE is controlling and needs to grow up? For real?

His wife needs to develop some respect for her husband before treating him like an ATM or a wordless donkey who is just there to pull the cart without questioning its mistress.