Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

But then say you didn't want to WOH, not use the fact you make peanuts as an excuse to opt out for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

Actually, no, as a parent, the well being of the entire family is the most important thing, even if it's to her detriment. Why do you think I continued working full time when I was half dead and hallucinating from exhaustion when I had two kids under 3?

I'm hoping it was financially necessary for your family, because otherwise, what you describe is in nobody's best interest, including yours.

No, it wasn't financially necessary. But it was in everyone's best interest in the family, including my own, that I did not take a break in employment. How many people work 35 hours a week for over $200K? I sucked it up for a few brief months and it got much better. Sooo glad I didn't quit.

Looks like you have money blinders on, having a mom "who is half dead and hallucinating" actually isn't in your kids' best interest, and if you can't understand why others don't make the same decisions, you lack self awareness.

[Anonymous]

This is the best DCUM thread ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Not my problem that your DH didn't comprehend what "50/50 partnership" meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

But then say you didn't want to WOH, not use the fact you make peanuts as an excuse to opt out for a few years.

You can't understand that if your salary is entirely eaten up by daycare costs, staying home for a few years is more appealing than if you are netting $100,000 after daycare/nanny costs. Are you joking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Not my problem that your DH didn't comprehend what "50/50 partnership" meant.

Never said it was, just said you are unable to step outset your own personal circumstances and see life as a one size fits all. Doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

Actually, no, as a parent, the well being of the entire family is the most important thing, even if it's to her detriment. Why do you think I continued working full time when I was half dead and hallucinating from exhaustion when I had two kids under 3?

I'm hoping it was financially necessary for your family, because otherwise, what you describe is in nobody's best interest, including yours.

No, it wasn't financially necessary. But it was in everyone's best interest in the family, including my own, that I did not take a break in employment. How many people work 35 hours a week for over $200K? I sucked it up for a few brief months and it got much better. Sooo glad I didn't quit.

Looks like you have money blinders on, having a mom "who is half dead and hallucinating" actually isn't in your kids' best interest, and if you can't understand why others don't make the same decisions, you lack self awareness.

So quitting my job, so I couldn't afford childcare, and trying to catch up on my sleep while caring for a toddler and infant would have been in their best interest? Unless you're saying that SAH with two kids under 3 allows a mom to rest up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

But then say you didn't want to WOH, not use the fact you make peanuts as an excuse to opt out for a few years.

You can't understand that if your salary is entirely eaten up by daycare costs, staying home for a few years is more appealing than if you are netting $100,000 after daycare/nanny costs. Are you joking?

It's more appealing to marry a man who makes $790 million in a venture capital deal, so you can quit and yet not have to care for your own children. Working or SAH is not about what's most "appealing," it's about long term benefit to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Not my problem that your DH didn't comprehend what "50/50 partnership" meant.

Never said it was, just said you are unable to step outset your own personal circumstances and see life as a one size fits all. Doesn't work that way.

You must not haved cared much if you WOH or SAH. If I was in your situation, I'd tell my DH that taking the kids to the doctor is part of parenting, and that he shouldn't hide behind his work to avoid parental drudgery. Of course, I've always really wanted a career, so I wouldn't have let my DH's unhappiness about actually participating in his family life stop me from working. I'd rather play golf than grocery shop too, but that's why God created Peapod and 24-hour grocery stores. You don't sound like you were at all interested in a career, even if it meant doing more household and kid work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Are you bragging about having a self centered husband who does not value family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Are you bragging about having a self centered husband who does not value family?

And she's bragging she let him get away with that shit too!

[Anonymous]

Yes, she is. She is literally letting him off the hook. As long as he pays, he's done. It doesn't sound like OP wanted that kind of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

Not pp, but someone who has been both a WOH and SAH mom. DH was very in favor of my returning to work until he had to leave work early to relieve the nanny and we had to bicker over who was going to take kids to doctor's appointment and who was going to stay home when kids were sick and didn't want to give up golf game on Sunday for grocery shopping. Then he wanted me to stay home again.

Are you bragging about having a self centered husband who does not value family?

Oh, please. Not PP, but I SAH and I do 90+% of the house work and child care and running around. DH is able to work long hours and make $$$ because he doesn't have to worry about the daily "grind". I hate WOH. He hates the work I do. I appreciate that I don't have to commute and work a 9-5. He appreciates he doesn't have to come home to a dirty house in need of cleaning, or to run errands, or find food or do other house work.

Just because he isn't cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry and cooking dinner doesn't make him uninvolved or that he de-values our family. It's because I do all that I do that he is so involved, because his time away from work is spent doing family things instead of trying to keep our heads above water, getting the daily necessities accomplished in between him coming home and going to bed.