Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

Really, it isn't surprising, there is a diehard contingent of posters who are always happy and eager to attack another woman's desire to be a SAH mom.

OP, I hope you and your wife can develop better communication skills so that you can understand what her motivations are, and she can understand why you are stressed. It sounds like you do want this marriage to work, so I'd ignore all the crazy ranting of "unilateral decision," and work with your wife to get to a place where you are both happy.

No one on this thread has attacked OP's wife's desire to SAH. No one.

What most (including me) take issue with is her acting on that desire (and thereby vastly changing her family's situation in many ways) without any discussion of any kind with her husband, and her ongoing refusal to engage in any discussion (via crying).

You are delusional -there are many posts attacking her desire to be SAH. Further, there is nothing OP wrote that said "there was no discussion of any kind" only that he claims not to understand her motivations.

[Anonymous]

The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

I began re-training in a new field when my kids started going to pre-school, part-time. I ended up going up full time when they hit elementary school and had returned to working full time.

I had to start over at the bottom of the career ladder at 35. That was a hard pill to swallow and made be dig in a bit more before accepting that I needed to make a change.

I was home for five years, although the latter year or two I took night classes.

OP, those kids are grown now. Time goes so quickly. I really think you guys can work through this but you need to encourage your wife to take time for herself to sort things out. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

[Anonymous]

14:10. I had a similar experience. I also ended up working out of the home eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

His wife forced him to become a 100% breadwinner without consulting or discussing him and HE is controlling and needs to grow up? For real?
His wife needs to develop some respect for her husband before treating him like an ATM or a wordless donkey who is just there to pull the cart without questioning its mistress.

If you read what OP has actually said, his wife lost her job and the new ones she could find would be a wash after childcare. Their CIRCUMSTANCES are dictating their choice, which is true of most families where the wife SAH, although many women decide to describe it as their "calling" and something they do because they "couldn't stomach having someone else raise their children" and "#blessed." That aside, OP had no business having kids with a woman who did not earn enough to work after having children if it was such a complete and utter deal breaker and he would be furious if left to earn the income for the family. OP's wife could have or may die, and he will be left earning the income. She could be injured critically, etc. etc. etc. They could get divorced, she could get full custody, and he would still have to pay child support. This is the risk you assume when you have children, and if you want some kind of "guarantee" that it will not happen, you better at least be marrying a top paying professional who would be giving up a sizeable salary, so at least the numbers would be in your favor. OP, right now your financial situation is not impacted by your wife staying home. You probably could not afford to pay a nanny to do all the cleaning cooking and taking care of the kids after you get home. You need to internalize and accept that reality. Talk with your wife about changes that can be made once the kids start school that you will not be paying for. And do her a favor and start exploring your exit plan. You will divorce, share custody, and still be financially responsible for your children, only your income will be divided to two households.

[Anonymous]

OP's wife quit. She couldn't find a job after that. You're making stuff up, PP.

[Anonymous]

PP above, and OP could just as easily die. Or they could divorce. Or he could become ill. How ever will DW care for the children financially with years out of the workforce and no job / income of her own to speak of?

This "he shouldn't have had children if he didn't want to be the sole breadwinner " is a very closed minded and self serving arguement. They are BOTH responsible for the financial and emotional well being of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

His wife forced him to become a 100% breadwinner without consulting or discussing him and HE is controlling and needs to grow up? For real?
His wife needs to develop some respect for her husband before treating him like an ATM or a wordless donkey who is just there to pull the cart without questioning its mistress.

If you read what OP has actually said, his wife lost her job and the new ones she could find would be a wash after childcare. Their CIRCUMSTANCES are dictating their choice, which is true of most families where the wife SAH, although many women decide to describe it as their "calling" and something they do because they "couldn't stomach having someone else raise their children" and "#blessed." That aside, OP had no business having kids with a woman who did not earn enough to work after having children if it was such a complete and utter deal breaker and he would be furious if left to earn the income for the family. OP's wife could have or may die, and he will be left earning the income. She could be injured critically, etc. etc. etc. They could get divorced, she could get full custody, and he would still have to pay child support. This is the risk you assume when you have children, and if you want some kind of "guarantee" that it will not happen, you better at least be marrying a top paying professional who would be giving up a sizeable salary, so at least the numbers would be in your favor. OP, right now your financial situation is not impacted by your wife staying home. You probably could not afford to pay a nanny to do all the cleaning cooking and taking care of the kids after you get home. You need to internalize and accept that reality. Talk with your wife about changes that can be made once the kids start school that you will not be paying for. And do her a favor and start exploring your exit plan. You will divorce, share custody, and still be financially responsible for your children, only your income will be divided to two households.

OMGGGGGG. She did not lose her job, she quit. He doesn't have a problem with being financially responsible for his children. He has a problem with being financially responsible for HER (which he will not be for long if they do split - it's hard to get alimony as an able-bodied adult) while she isn't holding up her part of the bargain. It boggles my mind how anyone could defend a woman who made a unilateral decision to stop working. What if all your meal tickets (ie, husbands, for those who can't keep up) did that? Where would you be then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

His wife forced him to become a 100% breadwinner without consulting or discussing him and HE is controlling and needs to grow up? For real?
His wife needs to develop some respect for her husband before treating him like an ATM or a wordless donkey who is just there to pull the cart without questioning its mistress.

If you read what OP has actually said, his wife lost her job and the new ones she could find would be a wash after childcare. Their CIRCUMSTANCES are dictating their choice, which is true of most families where the wife SAH, although many women decide to describe it as their "calling" and something they do because they "couldn't stomach having someone else raise their children" and "#blessed." That aside, OP had no business having kids with a woman who did not earn enough to work after having children if it was such a complete and utter deal breaker and he would be furious if left to earn the income for the family. OP's wife could have or may die, and he will be left earning the income. She could be injured critically, etc. etc. etc. They could get divorced, she could get full custody, and he would still have to pay child support. This is the risk you assume when you have children, and if you want some kind of "guarantee" that it will not happen, you better at least be marrying a top paying professional who would be giving up a sizeable salary, so at least the numbers would be in your favor. OP, right now your financial situation is not impacted by your wife staying home. You probably could not afford to pay a nanny to do all the cleaning cooking and taking care of the kids after you get home. You need to internalize and accept that reality. Talk with your wife about changes that can be made once the kids start school that you will not be paying for. And do her a favor and start exploring your exit plan. You will divorce, share custody, and still be financially responsible for your children, only your income will be divided to two households.

OMGGGGGG. She did not lose her job, she quit. He doesn't have a problem with being financially responsible for his children. He has a problem with being financially responsible for HER (which he will not be for long if they do split - it's hard to get alimony as an able-bodied adult) while she isn't holding up her part of the bargain. It boggles my mind how anyone could defend a woman who made a unilateral decision to stop working. What if all your meal tickets (ie, husbands, for those who can't keep up) did that? Where would you be then?

Actually, I am the main breadwinner. I believe that if someone has a low salary that will wash out after child care and they do not wish to work, they should not. It does not make financial sense. And I have a strong hunch that OP's wife would vehemently disagree with his characterization of their situation and how it came to be. I also don't get this whole "meal ticket" argument from WOHM -- I have stayed at home, and it is often pretty dang hard. OP has to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

OMG, the echo chamber persists. Almost laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

Wow, Im so glad my husband believes what I earn is mine and what he earns is mine too. Been least its been that way for 21 years..............

[Anonymous]

I think it's a couple of things. A husband who isn't happy with working alone, a wife who is having a hard time as a SAHM and what to do.

You've got a few choices. Husband can accept things and use a house cleaner and just keep on keeping on. But it doesn't deal with the Wife's frustration he talks about and it sounds like the change in drive was a personality change that was divorced (heh) from being a mother.

Or he can encourage her to take the time to focus on herself to be more fulfilled. It sounds like the PP posters who had stayed home and went back to work have made some good points. OP should listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

Wow, Im so glad my husband believes what I earn is mine and what he earns is mine too. Been least its been that way for 21 years..............

You again, why don't you share you money with your H. Never learned to share? #selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

OP, I sympathize with you. Yes, it is hard to be the sole breadwinner. Yes, she should not make decisions without your input. Yet you say "I am going to put the younger one in preschool"-- what about her input into that decision?

It sounds like you don't really get what she's going through. Bearing children is really hard on the body, and your kids are really little and physically demanding. Your wife is at the end of a long marathon of pregnancy, night feedings, etc., and it's probably pretty tough for her to feel confident and mentally sharp. It takes a long time to truly recover from pregnancy, especially while caring for a toddler.

You need to take a hard look at yourself, too, OP. If she worked, would you truly pull your weight, missing work for appointments and sick kids, doing pickup and dropoff, etc.? Because if you won't, and you didn't back when she was working, then it's going to be really hard for her to find a job that accommodates her doing all that stuff. In addition to pumping if she's breastfeeding! It's hard to contemplate starting a new job, after being out of the workforce, and not being able to give 100% due to the kids and pumping. Parenting is a role, but there is also a lot of very time-consuming work that goes along with it, so it is a job. And if you are not doing your share, then it will fall to her. She is right to be realistic about this.

I say as a mother of kids the same age as OP's - this is garbage. If the little one is going to preschool in a year, he/she is probably around 1. I have two kids the same age (active boys at that). I work full-time (at a flexible job), exercise, cook, take care of my house, etc. Unless OP's wife has postpartum depression or physical issues, being a year postpartum is not a disability and she needs to get it together.

So not helpful, except as a humble brag.

Not at all. Saying that a woman whose youngest child is 1 is suffering physically and emotionally from pregnancy and can't be expected to pull her weight in the household is ridiculous.

NP here. Posts like hers are unhelpful because they assume everyone can do everything she can, except that there are so many variables. For example, does she know how VALUABLE a flexible job is. It's a lot different than being FT in a job with no flexibility with your total paycheck being handed over to the nanny. Circumstances change, people change. You may talk about what you would do in the abstract pre-marriage, but you never know till you live it.

OP, you and your wife both need to really listen to each other and why you're both stuck in your positions. Could you draw up a 2-5 year blueprint after you each know better about where the other is coming from?