my husband is a terrible gift giver and it bums me out each year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was he a thoughtful gift-giver before you got married?

OP here--
no, he wasn't. Which was okay at the time because I honestly am very low maintenance and during the beginning years of our relationship (the first 5 or 7 at least) it didn't bother me that he isn't thoughtful when it comes to getting gifts. But now a decade later and I'm feeling sort of worn out. I bore this man 3 children and have done all sorts of things for him and the best he can do, year after year is the December 22nd completely generic $20 crappy token "holy crap, I have to get her something and Christmas is 2 days away!" gift.
I guess I'm feeling just generally uncherished. It's the same for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's day and everything else. I'm just a bit beaten down and feeling sorry for myself.

And he's not the type to ever do something thoughtful like get me a cup of morning coffee like a previous poster mentioned. He's a great provider and a great dad and I have no fears that he'll ever leave me. He's slow and steady and committed. But he's never been physically or emotionally demonstrative and has never made me feel special or cherished (aside from the fact that I know he's incredibly committed to me which I don't want to under credit him for).

I know I took this way off course. Please don't flame me.

For the record - you are not low maintenance. Start by admitting that.

Men are doing the best they can - lay it out in black and white and I mean it. Figure out what you want from him and tell him what it is.

Another question that gets to heart of the matter. Does he love? Really love you? If yes, then who cares about gifts. If you are not sure about the answer, then you are using gift-giving as a proxy for love which is a fools errand. Lots of dirtbag cheating husbands get their wives fabulous gifts of jewelry etc. Gifts are gifts and that is all. Deal with the real actual issue in first of you - and if there isn't an issue aside from crappy gifts, then dispassionately lay our your expectations for gift giving for him. And let him lay his expectations out. My DH just wants affection for christmas if you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I don't want "big" things. I want something meaningful. Something that shows me that he listens and pays attention to what I like. No, I don't need another robe either...he bought me one for my birthday and for xmas (why??) No, I don't want a gift card. Show me that you listen to me, pay attention to what my likes/dislikes are. *sigh*

Ugh. get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I are in an inverse arms race....it has become a joke to see who can get the worst gift. It started when she got me shampoo for my birthday.

This year, she got me a snow shovel. I got her a gift card for a coffee shop with $0.50 on it. Had to talk to the owner to get one that small.

Love. I bet you two are really happy. Because a gift card like that took effort and was thoughtful in a funny way. Love. Love. Love.

[Anonymous]

I know this is an ancient thread but I just got married this year and my husbands birthday is on the 17th of December , I put a lot of effort into buying him personal gifts that I knew he would love, made him a cake, drove 2 hours to pick up one of his presents, and he loved it all of course. So I also did the same for Christmas and even had to search multiple places to find this one record I know he always wanted, and got him a few other things he had mentioned over the past year, I probably spent almost $400-500 dollars total because I really wanted our first birthday/Christmas together to be special. I even drove myself crazy finding the perfect gifts for my in laws and his sisters and brother niece, etc. and last night when we got back home and finally opened our gifts to each other, he got me a DVD box set of a tv show I've already seen all the episodes to (I do love the show, but it is currently all available on Netflix as well and I've already seen them a million times) and I know on the 23rd he went to the store and bought a DVD or video game for each of his family members to add to the gifts I had already bought, so I know he just got it a couple days before Christmas and didn't even put effort into it... I'm just feeling really sad about it because I already dislike the pressure of Xmas but put in so much effort to get thoughtful presents for everyone else and I didn't get anything tailored to my personality at all... it was all generic things you get for someone you don't know that well. I feel really overlooked and I don't know how to mention it to my husband, he takes everything really seriously and if I said something he would turn it into me being materialistic, which is not the case, I would be fine with one $25 item if it was something that was thoughtful.or he would also turn it into the "I can't do anything right" argument, which is also not the case! I feel like it was so easy for me to think of things to get him just because I always listen and remember when he says things. So I guess I mostly feel crappy because he got me the same tired gift he gave the rest of his family... and he even spent more money on a fancy video game for his brother that was almost $70. It appears lots of husbands are like this, but my question is should we really be married to men who don't go out of their way to get to know us well enough to buy us one personal gift?? I'm seeing a lot of responses like "that's just how it is" but it really isn't! My ex boyfriend of 4 years always got me thoughtful presents that I loved, always did a great job, so it isn't all men...

[Anonymous]

PP: The only reason your ex-bf was so thoughtful was to get into your vagina.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. My husband never gives me anything I like or would use. He never knows what I want so I give him a few ideas for borthdays and Christmas, I also give him nice things so I really don't get it. This Christmas was just about the last straw.
I sent him a small list of inexpensive gifts including a piece of jewelry that he could easily have afforded with his salary, but what does he do? He got me the cd, the plastic tea brewer and..... several bags of drugstore bought chocolate. It's like he doesn't care anymore and I feel unwanted and unloved.

[Anonymous]

Most men hate shopping knowing that half of the stuff will be returned. But any husband who can't take a specific list and buy it via the internet is an idiot. I hate shopping but when my wife has a list on Amazon it takes all of five minutes and a credit card. I'm sure she would like to be surprised, and I make periodic attempts, but she never complains because she gets things that she wants. Heck, she always asks me what I want and I simply say "how about a little spousal affection?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: The only reason your ex-bf was so thoughtful was to get into your vagina.

Lol this is so not true... we had sex one of the first nights we hung out romantically (were friends for 2 years before) and we had a very healthy sex life and lived together for 3 of those 4 years... he got me thoughtful presents because he knew what I liked and took the time to think about it and order it in time for Xmas. it's actually with my husband now that I don't feel the happiest about sex so he should be the one trying to "get my vagina" honestly. He put effort and over $100 into his brothers gift and always talks about his brother so maybe they should just live together instead.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat. Except I'm a DH whIth a DW that is a terrible gift giver. I do all the shopping for the kids and extended family so she has no one else to really worry about except for me in terms of giftgiving.

I typically ask her for things that I need, like a new winter jacket, or dress shirts for work. I try to make it easy for her, by sending her links or photos to things that I like. I never ask for anything too expensive.

Each year she waits till the last minute to shop and often buys the first thing she sees. One year she hinted that she got me a mountain bike that I've been drooling over for years. Come Christmas day, no mountain bike, no get it all.

On the other hand, I keep mental notes of things that she's mentioned that she needs or would like. Then on her birthday, our anniversary, or Christmas I give her one of the things she mentioned throughout the year. I also surprise at throughout the with a trip to the spa, or a massage.

[Anonymous]

I'm a bad gift giver and if there's one thing that I learned, it's that whatever I do, it is wrong wrong wrong, how can I be so stupid and oblivious and do I not pay any attention to her and think about who she is and what she might like.

I gave up caring about this stuff years ago.

[Anonymous]

To all those who get something even if it is a bad one....at least your OH puts some time & effort in. Mine spent ages in town getting gifts for the dog & the cat yet admitted he never even looked for anything for me because he doesn't know what to get me...after 23 years of marriage. All I want for christmas is a divorce

[Anonymous]

A new pair of Converse and some Love Spell. That's what I want every year. My husband has already ordered the Converse, because he knows what size I wear. I'm easy to buy for. He's a bit harder, because he says he honestly wants nothing besides his family, so I take the kids out while he's working and we pick out some things that we think he'll love. He's surprised every year!

[Anonymous]

Hi, i totally understand you i have a loving husband for 22 yrs now and the gift is not what i want i want a effort and more attention i love simple things too i have jewelry so no need for that, he bought me for our anniversary this past yr, nail polish kit??? What yes i polish my nails but maybe a gife certificate for manicure would be thoughtful i even told him inexpensive items like handbag, something practical useful men dont get it so i had to get my own perfume that i wanted, told him your paying for this i got him clothes, this year and a coat he needed and been asking about, and colonge.so why is it do hard for men think before shopping why must we directs them what to do how to do it?
Dont they have any ideas of what we like and want they are living with us too right? Where the surprises go? Where is the spontaneous person go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was he a thoughtful gift-giver before you got married?

OP here--
no, he wasn't. Which was okay at the time because I honestly am very low maintenance and during the beginning years of our relationship (the first 5 or 7 at least) it didn't bother me that he isn't thoughtful when it comes to getting gifts. But now a decade later and I'm feeling sort of worn out. I bore this man 3 children and have done all sorts of things for him and the best he can do, year after year is the December 22nd completely generic $20 crappy token "holy crap, I have to get her something and Christmas is 2 days away!" gift.
I guess I'm feeling just generally uncherished. It's the same for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's day and everything else. I'm just a bit beaten down and feeling sorry for myself.

And he's not the type to ever do something thoughtful like get me a cup of morning coffee like a previous poster mentioned. He's a great provider and a great dad and I have no fears that he'll ever leave me. He's slow and steady and committed. But he's never been physically or emotionally demonstrative and has never made me feel special or cherished (aside from the fact that I know he's incredibly committed to me which I don't want to under credit him for).

I know I took this way off course. Please don't flame me.

You need gifts to feel cherished?

Weird.

[Anonymous]

What is wring with yiu women? I wanted new knives for Christmas. I send him the exact brand ans model. Guess what i got for Christmas? The EXACT thing i asked for...knives. why are so manybof yiu struggling? Are you mute?