my husband is a terrible gift giver and it bums me out each year

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose husband got her a trashcan shaped like a rocket ship. It was their first Christmas. She told me she had to have a sit-down with him to explain why a retro rocket ship shaped trash can was an inappropriate Christmas gift for a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from your second post, it sounds like the real issue is that your DH is not emotionally demonstrative and doesn't do much to show you how much he cares about you. You are looking for a Christmas present to provide you evidence of this. Your DH probably knows that on some level, and talk about pressure for someone who doesn't like to show his feelings in the first place. Buying gifts for adults is hard ... and I for one buying presents just for the sake of having something for someone to open. And would you really be satisfied by a present that you essentially picked out for yourself? If you do the choosing, and all he is doing is the purchasing, how does that show you that he was thoughtful and put forth effort? Instead of getting bummed out over his gift-giving or lack thereof, how about having a real discussion about him about how you are not feeling appreciated, etc., and could he please make an effort to do some little things throughout the year that would show his appreciation - give him some examples of things like bringing home flowers, a surprise date that he arranges, or anything you think he is capable of pulling off that you would enjoy. I'd much rather have an unexpected token of appreciation than a Christmas-mandated present, if what I really want is to know my DH is thinking of me, appreciates me, etc.

OP here.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. Thank you for your post and for the others who replied.

I know that in general I don't feel appreciated or cherished by him. If I'm honest I never have. He is a great provider and puts up with me--all my flaws including the many times I am overly emotional and crazy.
He is not a fan of physical closeness outside of sex (he has never initiated hand holding and has never put his arm around me in a public setting). In 10 years he has NEVER planned a date or a night out. If we go out, I have to initiate it and plan everything. He doesn't give flowers or gifts or even compliments.

I think my original post was just symbolic of deeper issues. Those who suggested that he give me a gift card or that I buy myself a gift---I could do that any day of the week. Literally I could walk myself down the street to Tiffany's and spend $4K on a ring and he'd be okay with it (and that is not an insignificant amount of money for us). He is very generous with what he would allow me to spend money on. I just want him to some day, somehow show me some sort of demonstration that he cares for me besides being "committed" to me in generic way. I wish he would do something that shows that I am super special and that he wants to do something special for me. I know that it's unfair to expect someone to change after 10 years of marriage but I guess that 1) I'm getting increasingly frustrated with not feeling cherished as times passes and I feel increasingly stressed (we have three kids 5 and under) and 2) hope does spring eternal. I keep thinking that somehow he'll get it.

[Anonymous]

My DH really sucks at presents. I used to stress out on getting him gifts, thinking about what he would really like, not what was just convenient for me to pick up for him. One year, on a big birthday, I insisted on some expensive (by his standards) jewelry. He balked and balked, but finally relented. Hasn't opened his wallet since. So, I stopped stressing and ceased buying him gifts. He is started to get annoyed and I have shrugged it off. We have a fairly good relationship - quite good as observed by some of our friends - but this is the one area where my DH has neither the interest nor the inclination and he kind of killed it in me as well.

[Anonymous]

Show him this thread--especially your last post.

[Anonymous]

Just agree to forego the gift exchange with your husband and then you won't be disappointed. My husband and I do this and I love the lack of stress regarding picking out his present.

[Anonymous]

Start a wish list on Amazon or wherever and keep it updated throughout the year, adding to it as you go along. Put a lot of things on it, so he has choices and you still get some element of surprise. I also think that you should just tell him that you're hiring a babysitter one afternoon and going jewelry shopping, to pick something out together and maybe go for dinner afterwards. Your husband sounds like so many guys I know who just suck at gifts and need a little assist in that dept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got an ant farm once. Didn't even come with the damn ants!

Did you dig them up yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend whose husband got her a trashcan shaped like a rocket ship. It was their first Christmas. She told me she had to have a sit-down with him to explain why a retro rocket ship shaped trash can was an inappropriate Christmas gift for a wife.

I love this! I wish you had a picture.

[Anonymous]

This is the theme of the book about "Five Love Languages" that the NYT profiled a few weeks ago in Sunday Styles. Each of us has a "love language" -- a way of feeling appreciated and cherished. For some, it's receiving gifts, others it's about hearing verbal appreciation or receiving acts of service (bringing coffee to you in the morning). The book argues that the key to a successful relationship is understanding each other's "language" and making an effort to speak it, even if it doesn't come naturally. Maybe you could check this out?

[Anonymous]

My husband fits right in here. He actually means well, but is pretty forgetful a lot of the time. We do stockings for each person in the family - even the dog. I remind my husband a bazillion times not to forget to get something for my stocking. Last year, he totally spaced it. So on christmas morning, both kids, the dog and the husband all had stockings filled with fun, thoughtful gifts, but mine was empty. My daughter actually cried because she was so sad for me. "Oh mamma," she told me. "What did you do wrong last year? Santa must be so mad at you, but I thought you were really good most of the time." She went on to speculate for DAYS about why Santa was mad at me - was it the parking ticket? the time I forgot to feed the dog? the time I said $*%&* when I dropped something in the kitchen? I had to totally suck it up and let her think I'd totally blown it in Santa's eyes, when it was actually my husband's fault for forgetting. He felt so bad! Never again - I'm stuffing my own stocking this year!!

[Anonymous]

My husband fits right in here. He actually means well, but is pretty forgetful a lot of the time. We do stockings for each person in the family - even the dog. I remind my husband a bazillion times not to forget to get something for my stocking. Last year, he totally spaced it. So on christmas morning, both kids, the dog and the husband all had stockings filled with fun, thoughtful gifts, but mine was empty. My daughter actually cried because she was so sad for me. "Oh mamma," she told me. "What did you do wrong last year? Santa must be so mad at you, but I thought you were really good most of the time." She went on to speculate for DAYS about why Santa was mad at me - was it the parking ticket? the time I forgot to feed the dog? the time I said $*%&* when I dropped something in the kitchen? I had to totally suck it up and let her think I'd totally blown it in Santa's eyes, when it was actually my husband's fault for forgetting. He felt so bad! Never again - I'm stuffing my own stocking this year!!

[Anonymous]

My husband bought me a TV for Christmas last year and he still brags about what an extravagant present it was. Nevermind that I don't ever watch TV. But guess who does?

[Anonymous]

My DH gave me car floor mats for Christmas once.

He said, "you need them".

Ahh men...so thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband fits right in here. He actually means well, but is pretty forgetful a lot of the time. We do stockings for each person in the family - even the dog. I remind my husband a bazillion times not to forget to get something for my stocking. Last year, he totally spaced it. So on christmas morning, both kids, the dog and the husband all had stockings filled with fun, thoughtful gifts, but mine was empty. My daughter actually cried because she was so sad for me. "Oh mamma," she told me. "What did you do wrong last year? Santa must be so mad at you, but I thought you were really good most of the time." She went on to speculate for DAYS about why Santa was mad at me - was it the parking ticket? the time I forgot to feed the dog? the time I said $*%&* when I dropped something in the kitchen? I had to totally suck it up and let her think I'd totally blown it in Santa's eyes, when it was actually my husband's fault for forgetting. He felt so bad! Never again - I'm stuffing my own stocking this year!!

Holy hell, that is both hilarious and incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband fits right in here. He actually means well, but is pretty forgetful a lot of the time. We do stockings for each person in the family - even the dog. I remind my husband a bazillion times not to forget to get something for my stocking. Last year, he totally spaced it. So on christmas morning, both kids, the dog and the husband all had stockings filled with fun, thoughtful gifts, but mine was empty. My daughter actually cried because she was so sad for me. "Oh mamma," she told me. "What did you do wrong last year? Santa must be so mad at you, but I thought you were really good most of the time." She went on to speculate for DAYS about why Santa was mad at me - was it the parking ticket? the time I forgot to feed the dog? the time I said $*%&* when I dropped something in the kitchen? I had to totally suck it up and let her think I'd totally blown it in Santa's eyes, when it was actually my husband's fault for forgetting. He felt so bad! Never again - I'm stuffing my own stocking this year!!

Holy hell, that is both hilarious and incredibly sad.

OMG I can't even imagine what my kids would think Santa was mad at me for. They love to keep lists of ALL the things I've done wrong. Remember the time that your forgot my lunch? Remember the time you hit the neighbor's dog with the car? I'm sure I'll still hear about it whenI'm 70.