my husband is a terrible gift giver and it bums me out each year

[Anonymous]

Sorry, honey. I'm just not a good gift giver. Not for you, not for my family, not for my Mom. It's not my love language, I have been told. And, I'll admit, after getting scorched for my first few gifts of our relationship, I've kind of checked out on the whole process.

Hats off to my wife's friends husbands who have fat incomes and get their wives thoughtful, inventive gifts that amaze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is an old thread but it's perennially relevant.

Honestly the keys to a happy marriage are to a) accept that your partner is who they are, b) assign positive intent to their actions, c) advocate for what's really important to you, and d) let the rest go.

I was raised in a family with really extravagant Christmases. We made lists and got each other most of what we asked for. It was a real bacchanalia of consumerism, lol. So that was my expectation going into marriage, which confused and stressed out my husband. Some years he refused to look at my list as a matter or principle. Some years he forgot to get me anything and ran out to the museum next door at the last minute, so all of my presents were museum gift shop items. One year he told me that the piece of jewelry I wanted was embarrassing. It was just all sorts of misunderstandings and mismatched expectations.

But now in our 40s we're past all of this because we give each other grace and always assume positive intent. We've moved past internalizing the other person's misunderstandings as rejection; we self-soothe and self-advocate. I've let go of as many expectations as possible, and my husband has started trying to see the present thing through my lens instead of his.

Gift giving can definitely be an indication of things that are not going well in your relationship, but you can work on those things. I stuff my own stocking with essential oils and cooking magazines and licorice because that's more fun for me than getting whatever is available in the checkout line at CVS, lol. My husband isn't going to be a good stocking stuffer unless I micromanage him into oblivion, and nobody wants that. But that's OK, because he has plenty of good qualities.

Really great post, PP. It only applies to those of us with mostly great spouses, but there are a lot of people with mostly great spouses who only fall down in this area or one or two others.

The self-soothing part is really on point too. I get myself some small, delightful thing like a massage or a week’s worth of fresh-pressed juices once or twice a month, and a nice piece of jewelry every couple of years. No need to wait around for someone to do these things for me, especially given that I know he’ll always cover my soccer carpool day if I’m beat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you give him a wish list? Give him a lot of things to choose from so you'll still have a bit of a surprise.

I’ve tried this, it didn’t work. He usually ignores my Amazon Wishlist and buys something completely different.

If there's something you want from Amazon, why haven't you clicked add to cart already throughout the year? What do you want that Amazon sells? Truly curious.

[Anonymous]

Who resurrected this ancient thread from 2011?

[Anonymous]

I grew up getting extravagant gifts, extravagantly wrapped and presented with much pomp on Christmas.

I was also severely emotionally neglected and abused the other 363 days a year (birthday was also OTT).

My husband of 9 years grew up with very minor emphasis on gifts, and he doesn’t give gifts to me for my birthday or Christmas - he just never grew up doing it and doesn’t “get” it.

I sometimes miss receiving a nice gift for Christmas, but I don’t spend a lot of time fretting about it because we have a loving and happy home life and he is a great husband and father 365 days a year instead of 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who resurrected this ancient thread from 2011?

Santa Claus

[Anonymous]

We make it easy and don’t buy each other gifts. We focus on our grandchildren and that’s a lot more fun.

[Anonymous]

The premise of this thread is so weird to me. They sell jewelry on Amazon? Sure, it's not particularly nice jewelry, but a $70 heart necklace from Amazon would be a lot better than a robe for the same amount. Just make an Amazon wishlist with options of jewelry you like and send him the link, since it sounds like he can at least manage to click a "Buy Now" button.

[Anonymous]

I don't have time to read the whole thread but "gifts" is not everyone's love language. My DH will never get me a gift unless I find it and send him a link to where he can order it. That is the only way a gift is going to show up for me. It's fine. His love language is "acts of service." Last night I was tired, and remembered I'd meant to get gas before having to drive a distance today. He went out into the cold wind after 11pm to fill my tank with gas. I told him "It's fine, I can get it early tomorrow," and he said "No, I want it to be easy for you." So, I get gifts; they just aren't jewelry under a tree. They are actually better.

[Anonymous]

Threads like this confirm I made the correct decision by never marrying a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Threads like this confirm I made the correct decision by never marrying a woman

My wife has brought so much joy, warmth, and love into my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The premise of this thread is so weird to me. They sell jewelry on Amazon? Sure, it's not particularly nice jewelry, but a $70 heart necklace from Amazon would be a lot better than a robe for the same amount. Just make an Amazon wishlist with options of jewelry you like and send him the link, since it sounds like he can at least manage to click a "Buy Now" button.

Ew, no. a $70 necklace is most likely a piece of crap. A $70 robe could be quite decent.