my husband is a terrible gift giver and it bums me out each year

[Anonymous]

Maybe give him a token $20 gift this year. If he doesn't care, then you've learned something: he really isn't into gifts, for himself or for anybody else, and there's no point getting upset. If he seems unhappy, then make your point gently about his own gift giving. If he pouts, say that's what you thought you guys had been doing for the past few years. Make a joke out of it. It might seem a bit passive-aggressive, but then again, feeling like a martyr every year probably isn't good for you either.

[Anonymous]

My DH wants to give me the gifts that I adore--especially if there is an audience for me unwrapping it, like my parents at Christmas--but is (usually) pretty terrible at figuring out what that should be. Enter the Amazon universal wish list. Throughout the year, whenever I come across something I like, but isn't something I'd buy for myself (or would wait until after the holidays), I put it on the list, along with size or color info, if appropriate, and possibly an explanation (such as "my 30 year old hand-me down navy sweater is showing its age and this would be a great replacement"). My parents and DH both look to this list for inspiration.

I still get the occasional perfume box set (really? I don't wear perfume, as it makes me sneeze), but usually it is something I want or need. I sometimes wish he could read my mind and pick out the perfect gift without a wish list, but I have to admit that I have trouble doing that for him, too, so that is not a very realistic wish.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't understand why this "bums" you out each year when it's been happening since you know the guy. Um, isn't it past time to accept that this is just how your husband is and stop taking it personally? Hello, love languages anyone? does he show that he cares about you and cherishes you in other ways? Just because his way of showing you he cares doesn't conform to your preconceived ideals doesn't mean he doesn't cherish you.

If I were you, I'd get off this frustration hamster wheel already. Have him get you a gift card and go buy whatever it is your heart desires.

[Anonymous]

I understand. My H is not big on gift giving (but lucky for us - neither am I). I know it can be dissapointing, but try to focus on the good things he does. Some men (most?) don't show their love and appreciation of you from gifts and gift giving is one of those things that they really only do b/c they have to. So, it's kind of pointless, IMO.

[Anonymous]

My husband sucks at giving presents too, but I don't really think about it anymore. Last year for my birthday I ordered a pair of super soft slippers and that was it. (I do love those slippers!)

[Anonymous]

Buy yourself soemthing and give it to him to wrap. It's ok if he sucks at gift-giving and is otherwise a good husband/father. I personally hate the gift-giving aspect of christmas for people other than kids. But if you want the joy of opening something, get it for yourself and have him surprise you. It's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was he a thoughtful gift-giver before you got married?

OP here--
no, he wasn't. Which was okay at the time because I honestly am very low maintenance and during the beginning years of our relationship (the first 5 or 7 at least) it didn't bother me that he isn't thoughtful when it comes to getting gifts. But now a decade later and I'm feeling sort of worn out. I bore this man 3 children and have done all sorts of things for him and the best he can do, year after year is the December 22nd completely generic $20 crappy token "holy crap, I have to get her something and Christmas is 2 days away!" gift.
I guess I'm feeling just generally uncherished. It's the same for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's day and everything else. I'm just a bit beaten down and feeling sorry for myself.

And he's not the type to ever do something thoughtful like get me a cup of morning coffee like a previous poster mentioned. He's a great provider and a great dad and I have no fears that he'll ever leave me. He's slow and steady and committed. But he's never been physically or emotionally demonstrative and has never made me feel special or cherished (aside from the fact that I know he's incredibly committed to me which I don't want to under credit him for).

I know I took this way off course. Please don't flame me.

I think we are married to the same guy, and I often feel the same way. One year my gifts were purchased from CVS late on Christmas Eve (after he realized I filled his stocking but had nothing for mine). Last year for my birthday I got tickets to a Caps game- (who was that for, anyway?) -and I'm not a hockey fan. At least those were times he DID get gifts. It's good to vent once in a while, but generally I don't care. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I pride myself on being pretty low-maintenance too, but for some reason, at x'mas it can bug me that my H isn't the gift-giving type. I mean, I've knocked myself out getting our child's gifts, filling stocking, etc and the only gifts I get are the ones I get for myself. I actually tell my husband not to get me gifts, but when all is said and done on x-mas, I look around at our house filled with all the stuff I did and am kinda all, "what the hell, man? Not one gift for me? Bastards!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy yourself soemthing and give it to him to wrap. It's ok if he sucks at gift-giving and is otherwise a good husband/father. I personally hate the gift-giving aspect of christmas for people other than kids. But if you want the joy of opening something, get it for yourself and have him surprise you. It's ok.

This is me!. I'm specific about the things I like and I HATE DH getting me crap I'll never use. So when he asks what I want, I either make a list (usually gift cards to some store) and tape it to the refrigerator or I tell him to give me cash and I'll go buy whatever it is I want.

I also agree that exchanging christmas gifts between adults is kind of silly. Save it for birthdays and anniversaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, Do you have children? Assuming they are old enough, could you enlist them to help DH come up with something more thoughtful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While dating, my husband bought me a book titled "How Dogs Think".

He had a dog, and I was new to dogs so he was trying to have me more comfortable with dogs, but still...not exactly a romantic gift. The gift giving hasn't improved from there.

I've accepted that gifts just isn't his strong suit. He loves me and shows it in a million ways, but gifts just isn't one of them.

Haha! This cracked me up! I would get him a book titled "How to Keep Your Wife!". That said. I think it's really cute that he gave that to you. I love my dog too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just stinks at gift giving. I'm honestly not materialistic but his lack of gift buying efforts bums me out each year.
Last night i know he tried to find something on Amazon. He told me today he doesn't know what to buy me. He was going to get a robe or pajamas.
I don't need or want either. I have more pajamas than i know what to do with. I got 3 robes over the past 2 years from my mom and MIL and gave them all away. (how many robes does a person need?)

In 10 years of marriage he has never given me a piece of jewelry. I would LOVE jewelry. I have told him such. We have the money. He just doesn't want to put in the time or effort it would take to find something. I found something I liked this year. I spontaneously tried it on. He knew about it but didn't act on it. It's no longer available.

I'm okay with all of this but part of me is just bummed out. I want to feel cherished and like he cares enough to buy me something special. Anything. He could buy me ANY jewelry and I would be happy but he just doesn't. It's not the even the item that would mean something--it's the act of purchasing.

okay, vent over. I just told him not to buy me anything which I do at least every other year when we go through this whole song-and-dance again and again. Christmas is about our kids anyway.

My friend's husband gave her a shoe rack for Christmas once.

this kind - She had to assemble it herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, from your second post, it sounds like the real issue is that your DH is not emotionally demonstrative and doesn't do much to show you how much he cares about you. You are looking for a Christmas present to provide you evidence of this. Your DH probably knows that on some level, and talk about pressure for someone who doesn't like to show his feelings in the first place. Buying gifts for adults is hard ... and I for one buying presents just for the sake of having something for someone to open. And would you really be satisfied by a present that you essentially picked out for yourself? If you do the choosing, and all he is doing is the purchasing, how does that show you that he was thoughtful and put forth effort? Instead of getting bummed out over his gift-giving or lack thereof, how about having a real discussion about him about how you are not feeling appreciated, etc., and could he please make an effort to do some little things throughout the year that would show his appreciation - give him some examples of things like bringing home flowers, a surprise date that he arranges, or anything you think he is capable of pulling off that you would enjoy. I'd much rather have an unexpected token of appreciation than a Christmas-mandated present, if what I really want is to know my DH is thinking of me, appreciates me, etc.

[Anonymous]

I got an ant farm once. Didn't even come with the damn ants!

[Anonymous]

My DH also gives strange and useless gifts. Every year when I'm out shopping for gifts I'll see a few thinks I like, which I wrap and put under the tree. The gift stickers say "to the best mom" from you secret santa.