Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

Who is saying he can't be upset? He might also be upset if grandma got sick or her car broke down or whatever. A baby was born early so she has to go somewhere else that day. The healthiest thing is to explain to him that his cousin was born and that's very important. Parents should present it as a calm and neutral thing without bringing in their baggage about being shafted for their sibling. This will help keep the child from getting upset, but if he does get upset, no one is saying he can't be comforted and have his feelings acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Thank you for the update. I hope the birthday kid had a wonderful birthday and the grandma makes plans to see him soon. I am glad the newborn is also doing well.

[Anonymous]

In general, young children have germs, lots of them. Newborns only have their mother’s immunity at birth. Think it was good they went to see the newborn first. If they decided to do it in the other order would wait for a week to see if they come down with any infections ( and get over them first) before visiting the infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general, young children have germs, lots of them. Newborns only have their mother’s immunity at birth. Think it was good they went to see the newborn first. If they decided to do it in the other order would wait for a week to see if they come down with any infections ( and get over them first) before visiting the infant.

All that goes out the window when the newborn has an older sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Oh no, if only the mother of a newborn was sad and angry and estranged from her mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, young children have germs, lots of them. Newborns only have their mother’s immunity at birth. Think it was good they went to see the newborn first. If they decided to do it in the other order would wait for a week to see if they come down with any infections ( and get over them first) before visiting the infant.

All that goes out the window when the newborn has an older sibling.

Um having a sibling is called unavoidable, acceptable risk and a cousin’s germ-fest party is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Oh good! Thanks for the update. Glad the grandma did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

NP. Little kids do a happy dance at the sight of a bowl of M+Ms and as long as there are presents and a cake, frankly don’t give much of a shyt if an old lady gives them another present on the day of or a few days later.

Some kids have great relationships with their grandparents. Sorry you don’t have that kind of family.

LOL we are coming back from visiting grandparents right now! Good relationship with both sets. And when my ILs missed my daughter’s baptism because my SIL went into labor early and the drive to see her, we just said enjoy and give them our love.

[Anonymous]

So, truth time, OP: you are the mother of the birthday kid. Correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

NP. Little kids do a happy dance at the sight of a bowl of M+Ms and as long as there are presents and a cake, frankly don’t give much of a shyt if an old lady gives them another present on the day of or a few days later.

Some kids have great relationships with their grandparents. Sorry you don’t have that kind of family.

LOL we are coming back from visiting grandparents right now! Good relationship with both sets. And when my ILs missed my daughter’s baptism because my SIL went into labor early and the drive to see her, we just said enjoy and give them our love.

Pretty weird then that you’d diminsh grandma to being just some old lady. But whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Wait you aren’t grandma, OP? Who are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Thank you for the update. I hope the birthday kid had a wonderful birthday and the grandma makes plans to see him soon. I am glad the newborn is also doing well.

+1 Grandma did the right thing. Glad things seem to have smoothed over for this family. Maybe this baby has brought some much needed forgiveness and peace!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Glad you saw the newborn. Why didn't you ask the birthday family if you could visit another time and a day that worked for them? Maybe send them flowers or something too. Make some kind of gesture.

My in-laws have done this several times to us. We live a flight away (or a 12-16+ hour drive we did during Covid) but my SILs kids live 10 minutes away. In-laws always choose them. Last summer we asked a time that would work for my in-laws to visit. My DH specifically asked that our kids get a couple days just alone with grandparents because they don't get that experience. SIL's in-laws, so other grandparents, also live close-by, maybe a 25-30 minute car ride away. This didn't happen.

We visit when they ask and every time we go my in-laws rush to my SIL (even though she and her spouse make more $, and live in a LCOL area and could afford childcare in the summer) to give them free childcare. SIL and BIL wanted to go to a concert when we visited last summer and in-laws went over and babysat and we had no idea where they went! And for the record our kids are well behaved and love their family.

If you can't take one day to spend with your other grandkids 3x a year when we fly to visit then I can't help you. My DH talked to them and my MIL tries to make an effort (my FIL clearly favors one particular grandkid), but you can tell the other grands are the favorite.
I understand in a way, they live very close and she sees them more. But my kids are starting to see it and my son said something during his last visit with my DH. I was not there, but my DH said our son said something to them. He wanted our kid to apologize and I said, "for what? For speaking the truth and calling them out for favoring the other grandkids? everyone sees it, so let's not gaslight our own child. Maybe having the grandkid share their feelings will make them rethink how they treat our kids."

Anyway, enough of my rant. Not everything needs to be equal, but we are very easy going and have sort of been pushed to the side and we have almost had enough of it. Don't be like that. Do your best and love everyone, but someone also needs to call our your child for not speaking to everyone for months and then expecting you to drop everything and go see her and the newborn. If this is a usual thing, then next time she does it, I would pass. My SIL knows her parents will come when she calls and she always does it when we visit for some reason. I am an adult, so I can handle it, but when you start messing with my kids I won't allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

NP. Little kids do a happy dance at the sight of a bowl of M+Ms and as long as there are presents and a cake, frankly don’t give much of a shyt if an old lady gives them another present on the day of or a few days later.

Some kids have great relationships with their grandparents. Sorry you don’t have that kind of family.

LOL we are coming back from visiting grandparents right now! Good relationship with both sets. And when my ILs missed my daughter’s baptism because my SIL went into labor early and the drive to see her, we just said enjoy and give them our love.

Pretty weird then that you’d diminsh grandma to being just some old lady. But whatever.

Both my mom and MIL would laugh and tell you that Grandmas are, indeed, old ladies, especially to kids! They also have lives of their own and get that it is OK for them not to be the center of every little thing, my goodness.

[Anonymous]

Good decision, Grandma! Hope this is a sign of mended relationships and open lines of communication going forward. Next year there can be a joint celebration for the cousins' birthdays!