Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

I know this is what you have to say to justify your choices, but.... in 2024, there are a LOT of people who are biglaw partners and very good, very involved parents. I took a step back to part time for 7 years when DS was young. Now I work 2000 hours a year and make seven figures and I am around DS -all- the time. As long as you have enough work, no biglaw partners are going into the office more than 1 day a week anymore. We are also all high achievers and very organized. Not everyone can manage their lives like we do. But many of us really do have something that is very close to "having it all".

I’m not trying to be mean. I know people like you. I really do. A lot of them. You manage a lot, so much, and that’s awesome, but something has to give. The moms I know like that are not on top of their kids’ stuff as much as they think they are. They miss things. Some are important, so aren’t. For instance, if I send out an evite to one of my kids’ birthdays, the big career moms are always the last to respond. They don’t get around to it, unless their kids remind them. Obviously, that’s not very important, but it’s annoying to their children. But other stuff is way, way more important. We had a very bad situation at our private a few years back. The stay at home moms were so on top of it. The big career parents ignored it altogether. I won’t go into details, but I was simply shocked how blasé the working moms were. I’m sure they tell themselves it got handled, but I’ll bet their kids feel differently. You cannot delegate parenting. If you do, it shows.

Something always has to give. Always.

WTF.

We always reply at last day since we’re waiting for swim meet, AAU basketball tourney, and practice schedules. Often in a different city.

R u talking about 3 yos again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is funny.

Agree!

I wish DCUM at least had people who lived with kids at least a few years in Wash DC…

Many of us have btdt in Manhattan though. And have various alumni circles from ugrad and grad school. Good stuff.

[Anonymous]

Not me! I am not missing out on life, on spending time with my kids and on staying healthy by working out daily and cooking nutritious meals. DH makes enough, so I quit and have never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Big career = kids who are not properly parented. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. There are 24 hours in a day and there simply isn’t enough time. Women’t can’t have it all, that’s a crack of sh&t and we all know it. But it’s totally fine if you choose a career, it’s your life and you should choose how you live it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

Some people are not able to manage both. Really it’s okay. Clearly you should not be balancing both with your negative attitude. You just see problems. You _have- to think that no BigLaw partner could be a good parent. Easiest way to justify not wanting to stay in BigLaw or that you were never going to make partner anyway.

Lol, I’m not a lawyer. It’s just what I’ve seen, knowing many, many lawyers. I have friends who are doctors who work part time. They manage both. Lawyers, never, unless they’re in-house. Same goes for investment banking. I have never seen anyone, male or female, manage both a BigLaw/investment banking career and being a good parent.
It does not happen.

Walk around NYC in the late morning, watch the nannies jabbering away on their phones, while walking dirty looking children in their strollers. Those kids do not look well taken care of (and yes, I can tell they are with their nannies because of obvious racial differences). The kids have messy hair, dirty fingers and cheeks. They keep trying to talk to their nannies, but the nannies don’t care. It’s pretty heartbreaking. But I am positive that their parents think everything is perfect.

Stop kidding yourself about how well you manage. There is always a price. You should know that; it’s basic microeconomics.

So you never worked at BigLaw? Your husband never worked at BigLaw? And you sure have a lot of opinions on the parenting of people you “know” in these careers. Sure lady. Lol. Here is a news flash. Lots of SAHM have kids with dirty hair and nails, unhappy children, etc. inattentive parents are inattentive whether they work or stay home.

Also you are posting on a DC board. Life does look different here.

PP, I do know what I am talking about because I was a legal assistant in BigLaw. After seeing what I saw, I opted out of going to law school (even though I had excellent credentials). All of the partners I met were horrible parents. Most of them went out of their way to purposefully work on holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, because they couldn’t bare being with their families. I’m sorry, but that is how it was. I chose to get a masters in something else. (I do work, but if money were not an issue, I would not.)

I don’t know know a single SAHM who isn’t on top of her kids being well manicured. Not one. The SAHMs I know volunteer at school and organize a million different things. There kids often times seem more talkative and confident and better adjusted. That’s how I see. I wish I could be a stay at home mom.

Lady you are an absolute nutcase. You were a secretary 20 years ago who couldn't get into law school and has been a sahm the whole time. You are exhibit A of people who were never going to be able to manage a job and kids.

And her priority is kids being "well-manicured" wtf

A toddler can’t really bathe himself, so yes, it’s your responsibility to do it. When your four year old looks dirty and unkempt, it’s a reflection on your poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree PP. Similar situation when the kids were young and we had au pairs. My husband was however very involved. I would not say efficient and wouldn’t manage the house, so yeah still frustrating, but meant well. I have a lot of friends whose husbands do jack sh*t and to be honest, the women enable it. That would NOT fly with me.[/quote




I’m sure your husband was very involved with the au pairs.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

How do you know?

How many stories do you need to read where the SAHM thought she would get the $10MM and ended up getting royally screwed.

Just make sure you are the one doing the divorcing and start moving assets in advance.

Hahahah yesss! These men are not stupid. They hire good lawyers who make sure these women don’t get anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

So you are Uber rich? Well your husband is. Most rich men want a glamorous trophy wide, I’m sure your looks are starting to fade. Soon he will start looking for a younger model. And he will find it. He will find a good lawyer and screw you over financially.so now I know what the wealthy do at the weekend. Piss about on here saying they’ll be laughing all the way to the bank when they divorce the husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me! I am not missing out on life, on spending time with my kids and on staying healthy by working out daily and cooking nutritious meals. DH makes enough, so I quit and have never looked back.

He’ll divorce you and leave you with nothing. And as for that poster who took pride in keeping her kids well manicured? Wtf. Take pride in making some cash instead of leaving it to your husband.

[Anonymous]

What an odd thread. There are an infinite amount of choices one can make to create a life with a family. If you truly can't comprehend why people make different choices than you, despite several answers, then you are pretty dense.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman who for many years performed cancer research and upon having kids moved to an adjacent field that is much more flexible. I could not be the kind of mom I wanted to be working the hours necessary to be successful. I think a lot of people fall somewhere between jobs everyone agrees are super urgent and important like an infant heart surgeon and being a cog in a machine. For me personally I find my work very meaningful and I feel obligated to use the many years of graduate and post graduate training I received for good. Now I can do a large majority of my work during the school day and by starting early while my husband gets the kids ready. My kids have maybe 2-4 hours of care from someone other than a parent. I outsource as much as I can of the other stuff like cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking so I can focus on my kids when we are all home. Things slide but very rarely things that matter to me.

You didn’t ask but my husband out earns me and probably always will. He makes more money for people who already have tons of it. I would struggle to be away from my kids the hours he is to do the work he does but I respect that he finds his work interesting and of course his income helps with the outsourcing since he also prioritizes being with out kids when he is not working. Literally no one has ever wondered why he works or suggested he should do something different despite the fact we could live reasonably well on my salary alone. Instead he is dad of the year for playing video games with them and making time for family dinner every night. And by making time I mean showing up to eat the meal I’ve cooked or obtained. Honestly my mom tells her friends about these things like it’s front page news instead of something every dad should be expected to do. The double standards are alive and well and I can only hope that conversations are better by the time my daughter AND my son are making these decisions for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who for many years performed cancer research and upon having kids moved to an adjacent field that is much more flexible. I could not be the kind of mom I wanted to be working the hours necessary to be successful. I think a lot of people fall somewhere between jobs everyone agrees are super urgent and important like an infant heart surgeon and being a cog in a machine. For me personally I find my work very meaningful and I feel obligated to use the many years of graduate and post graduate training I received for good. Now I can do a large majority of my work during the school day and by starting early while my husband gets the kids ready. My kids have maybe 2-4 hours of care from someone other than a parent. I outsource as much as I can of the other stuff like cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking so I can focus on my kids when we are all home. Things slide but very rarely things that matter to me.

You didn’t ask but my husband out earns me and probably always will. He makes more money for people who already have tons of it. I would struggle to be away from my kids the hours he is to do the work he does but I respect that he finds his work interesting and of course his income helps with the outsourcing since he also prioritizes being with out kids when he is not working. Literally no one has ever wondered why he works or suggested he should do something different despite the fact we could live reasonably well on my salary alone. Instead he is dad of the year for playing video games with them and making time for family dinner every night. And by making time I mean showing up to eat the meal I’ve cooked or obtained. Honestly my mom tells her friends about these things like it’s front page news instead of something every dad should be expected to do. The double standards are alive and well and I can only hope that conversations are better by the time my daughter AND my son are making these decisions for themselves.

*2-4 hours of care a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree PP. Similar situation when the kids were young and we had au pairs. My husband was however very involved. I would not say efficient and wouldn’t manage the house, so yeah still frustrating, but meant well. I have a lot of friends whose husbands do jack sh*t and to be honest, the women enable it. That would NOT fly with me.[/quote



I’m sure your husband was very involved with the au pairs.

Spoken like someone who wishes she could afford one.

[Anonymous]

Hasn’t WFH completely changed this discussion? All the comments seem to reflect people going to offices 5 days per week…which is t happening for much of the white collar class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree PP. Similar situation when the kids were young and we had au pairs. My husband was however very involved. I would not say efficient and wouldn’t manage the house, so yeah still frustrating, but meant well. I have a lot of friends whose husbands do jack sh*t and to be honest, the women enable it. That would NOT fly with me.[/quote

I don’t need one because I don’t have kids. Oh and by the way I’ll more than be able to afford one when working in finance.

I’m sure your husband was very involved with the au pairs.

Spoken like someone who wishes she could afford one.