Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

Nah. We just aren’t frivolous money wasters like so many on here.

You seem to not understand that this entire thread is about women married to men who make enough that the women’s jobs don’t matter. Frugality has literally no role here. If your husband’s salary requires that you have to live frugally to survive, then this thread isn’t about you.

I didn’t say that. But some women think they can’t stay home on less than $750k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work bc I make $250K plus generous benefits in a flexible job from home. Not a fortune, but own my home outright and DH makes $600K so really, what’s the problem.

SAHM considering going back to work. A few years ago, I posted about actual hours worked in a day at a work from home job. I was criticized and told to not take a job from someone who needed it if I planned to work part time. I would love to work part time. Any decent job is full time though.

I agree that any decent job is a FT job. I’m the PP and my $250K wfh flexible job is a ft job. It just has really flexible hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

Nah. We just aren’t frivolous money wasters like so many on here.

You seem to not understand that this entire thread is about women married to men who make enough that the women’s jobs don’t matter. Frugality has literally no role here. If your husband’s salary requires that you have to live frugally to survive, then this thread isn’t about you.

Not sure if this is the same poster from a few pages back, but I think she's just looking to troll. There is no reason for SAHMs to be continually (and obsessively) posting on a thread about why working moms work.

[Anonymous]

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I used to work a high paid investment banking job in NYC. My teen knows how much I struggled and missed him when he was a baby, how I tried to get home before he went to sleep and usually missed his bedtime. He knows that his dad has a demanding job and how I was always the one to drive him to school and activities. He knows I stayed home with his little brother and sister.

OMG how do you not get it? The few of us to whom this thread was actually directed are saying that one of the reasons we work is so that your kids -- all three of them -- don't have to struggle like you did. So that one spouse being in "a demanding job" doesn't mean missing bedtimes or that that same spouse can't drive their kid to school most days and be there for activities. The cycle perpetuated by women electing to be the spouse to SAH over 95% of the time is creating preconceived expectations for your daughter AND your sons all of them will have to conform to or battle against. Those who think they are fortunate to have "choice" and "autonomy" to make that decision are blind to the systemic reasons leading to that choice and of the effect of their choice on the whole.

And as an aside, to PP who said men are much more sympathetic and understanding as to why women choose to stay home, you need to think long and hard about the incentives at play.

You know what else makes things hard for women in the workforce? Repeated pregnancies and maternal leave. Regardless of whether the woman returns, that can perpetuate negative stereotypes about career women and force extra work on the coworkers left behind. Would you also suggest that because those are problematic for the workforce and how women are judged, we should avoid having second/third/fourth babies?

Look, whether male or female, we have to make reproductive and lifestyle decisions based on what works for our individual marriages and lives. If my third pregnancy negatively impacts my coworker, oh well. If my leaving to stay at home for a few years negatively impacts how women in my career are viewed, well oh well, yet again.

You know who can actually improve workplace conditions so moms can re-enter the workforce after taking care of their babies? Other women who stayed in the workforce. Workplace policies for working moms don't improve if all moms decide to permanently leave the workforce.

Actually, the people who can most directly improve workplace policies are those in the workplace, but these women are not. For example, I am currently a SAHM looking to get back to work. I have been at home for 5 years. Prior to that, I was an attorney for 15.

I just interviewed for an in-house position that turned out to be fully on-site with an expectation that it is “more than a 9-5 job.” Most of the people in the legal department are women (general counsel, my would be direct boss, other colleagues). I turned down that job because I would not see my kids during the week if I didn’t. So from my perspective it seems the women in the workplace are perpetuating the work around the clock lifestyle.

You are going to make the broad assumption that *women* are perpetuating "around the clock" lifestyles based upon your limited observation of ONE office? Or are you just looking really hard for an excuse not to return to work?

I can only speak for myself but I am trying to promote a balanced lifestyle in the office by:

- getting the job done, being respected in the dept with an upwards career trajectory,

while still:

- being open about when I need to take time off for kids stuff, or that I want a couple of meeting-free afternoons a week so I can hang out with my kids and log in later at night

I mean, I wish I could have all 5 afternoons off with my kids instead of just 2, but IMO the trade offs of not working are worse (for reasons other than financial). Life is about trade offs

[Anonymous]

I enjoy working. I worked really hard my entire school years (high school, college, grad school) to pursue a career I loved. We intentionally stopped at 1 child so that neither of us ever felt we had to stop working (though obviously if we wanted to we could).

I love my child with all my heart but I also get a lot of value out of my job. My pay is peanuts compared to my spouse, but it is important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

[Anonymous]

I know someone who is a white collar professional married to an oral surgeon. She put her 2 kids in daycare as soon as they were each 3 months old and her husband makes significantly more than she does. She does not want her identity to be “mom” and in some aspects seemed to have kids out of some kind of social obligation rather than truly wanting kids.

[Anonymous]

1) I like my job
2) I was taught a woman should always be able to support herself

I am thankful I kept my job. My seemingly perfect DH (helped around the house, great dad, loving and doting partner) had a mental breakdown last year and became increasingly angry and paranoid. We are now divorcing. Because of my career I will be able to maintain a similar lifestyle after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

Nah. We just aren’t frivolous money wasters like so many on here.

You seem to not understand that this entire thread is about women married to men who make enough that the women’s jobs don’t matter. Frugality has literally no role here. If your husband’s salary requires that you have to live frugally to survive, then this thread isn’t about you.

I didn’t say that. But some women think they can’t stay home on less than $750k.

It would take over a million to get me to stay home.

Why? Security.

We could save enough for every eventuality. DH 'only' makes 450k, as do I, so we're not there, even combined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

This!

Go team independent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who is a white collar professional married to an oral surgeon. She put her 2 kids in daycare as soon as they were each 3 months old and her husband makes significantly more than she does. She does not want her identity to be “mom” and in some aspects seemed to have kids out of some kind of social obligation rather than truly wanting kids.

It's to say that person is you. This form is anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

This!

Go team independent!

lol SO stupid. I have plenty of money saved from when I did work. I don't have to work anymore. I still have money which is making more money every month. You can still be independent and NOT work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

Another vote for team independent! Completely quitting (absent your own separate trust fund) puts you in such a vulnerable position. Instead, bend your career to match your families' needs. The better you are at your job, the easier it is to make demands. Hire lots of help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

This!

Go team independent!

lol SO stupid. I have plenty of money saved from when I did work. I don't have to work anymore. I still have money which is making more money every month. You can still be independent and NOT work.

Well played! But it sounds like you are on team independent. You worked, you saved, you invested, and you're not entirely dependent on your spouse. Frankly, I want to be you by my early to mid-forties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

This.
A man is not a plan
Every young girl needs to understand this key concept. Anything could happen. Earning your own money is empowering and creates security not just for yourself but for your children, community, and generations to come. Don’t ever be 100% financially dependent on anyone. Why would you?. If you don’t like your current job, switch it up, life is too short. Outsource things that you find tedious. If your husband is a high earner, you don’t have to work long hours but I vote for team independent

This!

Go team independent!

My parents taught all of this when we were kids ages ago---54 now. So happy to have my own healthy retirement account, benefits that are better than spouses for the family and a flexible, WAH healthy salary. We both have been WAH for awhile now and both contribute to the household. My husband does make more than me-but took a cut in pay for WAH/time at home. So he's around $300k and I'm $185k. I'm in the field I went to grad school for and my teen sons have seen me recognized at work for my contributions and I'm glad for them to see also see a dad that contributes at home--laundry, clean, I cook, etc. I think it sets a healthy relationship balance. It is a big burden on one person's shoulders to be the entire breadwinner for themselves, wife and children and I've seen a lot of people grow resentful of that in middle age years.