Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big career = kids who are not properly parented. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. There are 24 hours in a day and there simply isn’t enough time. Women’t can’t have it all, that’s a crack of sh&t and we all know it. But it’s totally fine if you choose a career, it’s your life and you should choose how you live it.

Not true. The amount of time you waste on meaningless stuff is mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

NP but it’s true. Some women are just scattered and disorganized. They have good degrees and everything, but maybe a neurological condition comes up and they are unable to handle things.

You sound so smug and delusional. Neurological conditions? There are only so many hours in the day. You can’t be a good parent and a good BigLaw partner at the same time. Something has to give. You’re delegating and delegating. Sure, a lady can clean your toilets well enough, but a nanny/au pair is not going to love your kid the way a parent does.

Some people, men and women, value parenting more than they value boardrooms. It’s okay to make the choices you’ve made, but don’t kid yourself that they don’t come at a huge cost, one way or another.

I know this is what you have to say to justify your choices, but.... in 2024, there are a LOT of people who are biglaw partners and very good, very involved parents. I took a step back to part time for 7 years when DS was young. Now I work 2000 hours a year and make seven figures and I am around DS -all- the time. As long as you have enough work, no biglaw partners are going into the office more than 1 day a week anymore. We are also all high achievers and very organized. Not everyone can manage their lives like we do. But many of us really do have something that is very close to "having it all".

I’m not trying to be mean. I know people like you. I really do. A lot of them. You manage a lot, so much, and that’s awesome, but something has to give. The moms I know like that are not on top of their kids’ stuff as much as they think they are. They miss things. Some are important, so aren’t. For instance, if I send out an evite to one of my kids’ birthdays, the big career moms are always the last to respond. They don’t get around to it, unless their kids remind them. Obviously, that’s not very important, but it’s annoying to their children. But other stuff is way, way more important. We had a very bad situation at our private a few years back. The stay at home moms were so on top of it. The big career parents ignored it altogether. I won’t go into details, but I was simply shocked how blasé the working moms were. I’m sure they tell themselves it got handled, but I’ll bet their kids feel differently. You cannot delegate parenting. If you do, it shows.

Something always has to give. Always.

Did any Dads care? Your post was so funny it made me laugh out loud. Yes, working moms and dads at your school had more to care about than private school tempest in a teapot.

The working parents did not care. The SAHMs did. I guess I am sexist because I don’t see many men who excellent fathers or grandfathers, but I see many women who are excellent mothers and grandmothers. I’ve always assumed it was because men are more selfish and women are more selfless. I don’t think many men have it in them the way that many women do.

This is such a sad post. If you are not trolling, I wish you could meet my father and my husband, PP. They are not perfect but have made many sacrifices for their children. For example, my father turned down a major promotion because it would have meant switching coasts and my sibling and I really didn’t want to move in the middle of middle and high school. My husband declines poker night invitations so he can be up early with our kids and let me sleep in.

Oh, and they earn/ed a ton too, in case that matters to you. My father, about half a million before he retired. My husband, close to a million now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their husbands aren’t checked out of family life the same way it sounds like your husband is. So they have more help.

Yes, this. If my husband wouldn't help with the kids or the house I'd probably divorce him instead of not working though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Their husbands aren’t checked out of family life the same way it sounds like your husband is. So they have more help.

OP here. Men aren't as helpful around the house, at least not in my experience. They might cook or clean from time to time, but they're not as involved with their children and women are.

Sorry, but your husband just sucks. My husband cooks and cleans as much as I do. Same with the kids. I'd hate to have a husband working all day who wasn't involved in my and my children's lives. What an awful way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

So here's an idea - don't do everything! Don't be married to a worthless sack of s#!t who doesn't carry their own weight. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an odd thread. There are an infinite amount of choices one can make to create a life with a family. If you truly can't comprehend why people make different choices than you, despite several answers, then you are pretty dense.

You must be new here

[Anonymous]

I have known of way too many men who betray their wives seemingly out of nowhere. I am deeply in love with my husband but I would never depend on a man.

[Anonymous]

I do think that a lot of GenX men struggle to be part of family life.

I always thought it was because the two previous generations of men fought in terrible wars. Their grandfathers were in WWII, and their fathers were in Vietnam. Basically, there were two generations of men who had PTSD.

So, yeah, they saw their fathers and grandfathers who couldn’t be emotionally vulnerable, had a drink everyday right after they got home from work, snapped really easily, and were generally kind of avoidant.
GenX men are doing better than their fathers, but a lot of them didn’t have great role models, and it’s not anyone’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have known of way too many men who betray their wives seemingly out of nowhere. I am deeply in love with my husband but I would never depend on a man.

+100

Often it’s around the time of elementary/MS for the kids. When life gets stressful and marriage is “old”. Midlife.

It’s tough if you don’t have your own job/means because there is more of an impediment to having a clear choice due to finances/future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hasn’t WFH completely changed this discussion? All the comments seem to reflect people going to offices 5 days per week…which is t happening for much of the white collar class.

Yes. But the women who quit their jobs can't acknowledge that, because that would upend their narrative about why they need to stop working for 40 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big career = kids who are not properly parented. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. There are 24 hours in a day and there simply isn’t enough time. Women’t can’t have it all, that’s a crack of sh&t and we all know it. But it’s totally fine if you choose a career, it’s your life and you should choose how you live it.

Nobody can have it all, but the focus is always on women because it's perfectly acceptable for men to prioritize their careers over family. Women with supportive husbands get pretty close to having it all though, and are no worse off than their male partners when it comes to balancing work/life, especially when kids start school and there's no need for mommy and daddy to be around them 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hasn’t WFH completely changed this discussion? All the comments seem to reflect people going to offices 5 days per week…which is t happening for much of the white collar class.

Yes. But the women who quit their jobs can't acknowledge that, because that would upend their narrative about why they need to stop working for 40 years.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hasn’t WFH completely changed this discussion? All the comments seem to reflect people going to offices 5 days per week…which is t happening for much of the white collar class.

I’m a woman that has been doing full-time WAH since 2005. Paid extremely well with good benefits. Flexible. I had my first child at that time. 18 now. I missed nothing with my kids. I had a nanny for 3 years 4 days per week until both were in preschool.

My spouse started full-time WAH 2020- Covid; prior he’d been WAH one day per week.

It’s much different today. There is much more choice in careers that offer significant flexibility. Unless you are a surgeon or some other field that requires in-person you can find a great career with options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have comparable incomes (high enough for either to stay home) and split the home and kid duties. We also outsource with paid help and have local family.

My work is in a field I find really interesting and would not want to step away from. We have pretty manageable and mostly WFH hours. I feel like it's a very equal marriage which is important to me.

We have two kids.

I thought maybe I had written this but didn't, although my situation is exactly the same.

My husband and I are true equals in everything. That's important to me, because I didn't want a husband who wasn't an involved father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Their husbands aren’t checked out of family life the same way it sounds like your husband is. So they have more help.

OP here. Men aren't as helpful around the house, at least not in my experience. They might cook or clean from time to time, but they're not as involved with their children and women are.

DP

Sorry you married a dud. I have a DH who is totally interchangeable with me. My pay is equal to DH and either of us could quit if we wanted to stay home. We actually want to set a good example to our kids. We are both engaged at home AND at work. Both of us have PhDs and we didn’t get those to clean, drive kids, and volunteer for asinine PTO projects all day. We only do the things we find really engaging and prioritize quality family time.

Yes, it’s possible to ‘do it all’ for those of use with the foresight to set up our lives that way from the beginning.

This is a good point. The two SAHMs in our large friend circle both did it not because they wanted to (one was even a registered nurse, a job she loved and worked hard for), but because their husbands decided that (1) their careers were more important so they simply couldn't be available and (2) that they were going to work all the time, even if it wasn't necessary. It's pretty obvious those guys have always been like that, so it's not a surprise. The rest of us made smarter choices about who we married and had kids with and we have made conscious decisions about how to structure our family.