My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

OP's MIL has contempt for her and feels comfortable expressing that openly and directly.

OP wants MIL to be someone who cares about her and her feelings. MIL is not and never will be that person.

$ is a separate issue. It is an extremely derogatory way to describe how you see a close family member and to state it in front of others, to your face, says a LOT about MIL.

I would limit time with the kids, they don't need that kind of role model or to be teed up to be excoriated if they don't meet her approval.

This would make you a terrible person. Your rationale is flimsy at best -- you want to use your kids as a weapon to punish your MIL with because you'd be butt hurt over a valid criticism. You really must suck as a parent if this is your thought process.

DP. It was stressful for us grandkids to be around our MIL when she would denigrate our mother with her snide remarks. Children who love their mother will grow to resent a grandparent that makes them feel bad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

OP's MIL has contempt for her and feels comfortable expressing that openly and directly.

OP wants MIL to be someone who cares about her and her feelings. MIL is not and never will be that person.

$ is a separate issue. It is an extremely derogatory way to describe how you see a close family member and to state it in front of others, to your face, says a LOT about MIL.

I would limit time with the kids, they don't need that kind of role model or to be teed up to be excoriated if they don't meet her approval.

This would make you a terrible person. Your rationale is flimsy at best -- you want to use your kids as a weapon to punish your MIL with because you'd be butt hurt over a valid criticism. You really must suck as a parent if this is your thought process.

DP. It was stressful for us grandkids to be around our MIL when she would denigrate our mother with her snide remarks. Children who love their mother will grow to resent a grandparent that makes them feel bad.

*paternal grandmother not MIL

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am surprised that there are 13 pages about this.

If my mother in law told me that I was sitting around like a sad sack, I'd laugh and say, "Hey, at least I'm not a sourbag!"

[Anonymous]

Is she criticizing your 1. not working or 2. your attitude in general? Sad sack generally refers to the latter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

This. And maybe she thinks her son should deserve some “well-needed time off.”

Then he should take it and/or work out a solution with HIS WIFE, without his mommy's input.

+1 Too much sharing with mommy going on. OP and DH need to find sitters and keep their marital life private from his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she criticizing your 1. not working or 2. your attitude in general? Sad sack generally refers to the latter.

For a lawyer, it was a poor choice of words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am surprised that there are 13 pages about this.

If my mother in law told me that I was sitting around like a sad sack, I'd laugh and say, "Hey, at least I'm not a sourbag!"

“Sourpuss” works better but agree 💯

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

This is stupid. You can take offense w/o seeing the nasty comment as true. She was rude, on many levels. Nosy. Presumptuous. And she disrespected OP. And that she felt able to do that is what I'd be pissed at.

+1 Take away her power by being completely independent of their help.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

OP said that MIL is retired. No need to willfully misunderstand.

Retired and OLDER than OP. Don’t underestimate the role of envy here.

So she's not only jealous of OP "decompressing", shes jealous of her youth?



Riiiight.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

So if your Jewish kid comes home hurt be a someone hurled a slur at them, no need to report to the school.

Got. It.

If a Jewish kid is called a sad sack he should ignore it.

Hate language should be reported even if the Jewish kid doesn't care because he has a strong sense of self because it's hate language which is against school policy... which is very different than being called a sad sack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

So if your Jewish kid comes home hurt be a someone hurled a slur at them, no need to report to the school.

Got. It.

If a Jewish kid is called a sad sack he should ignore it.

Hate language should be reported even if the Jewish kid doesn't care because he has a strong sense of self because it's hate language which is against school policy... which is very different than being called a sad sack.

+1
If my kid told me someone called them a "sad sack" I'd tell them to shake it off.
If my kid told me someone called them a slur or used hate speech, I'd absolutely be calling the school.

I'm not sure how people dont understand nuance here.

[Anonymous]

I just googled what this term actually means and it doesnt sound *that* bad? Like not cutting off grandkids bad.

"US slang an inept person who makes mistakes despite good intentions."

I get that its not MILs place but...c'mon. 14 pages over this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

Why do people "have" to work if it's not economically necessary? How does one "mooch" off a spouse?

I didn't get the impression they have "eff you" money. So, this creates a situation where there's a lot of pressure on one person to be the financial provider. My guess is OP didn't downgrade her lifestyle proportional to downgrading her share of the family income. So, there's an opportunity cost, too. Everyone should contribute -- what's her contribution now? Sitting on the couch, eaching bon bons and watching the Price is Right at 11 every day while their children are in school?

This just in: it ain’t your business! Or her MIL’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

OP said that MIL is retired. No need to willfully misunderstand.

Retired and OLDER than OP. Don’t underestimate the role of envy here.

So she's not only jealous of OP "decompressing", shes jealous of her youth?



Riiiight.

She's jealous that OP is younger when she retired and has more healthy, active years ahead. That is a fact.

[Anonymous]

MIL had a fulfilling career. You did not. Perhaps you are complaining more than you admit to and DH is conveying that to his mom. Maybe MIL sees you sitting around while her son if off working to now support the entire household. Not defending her word choice (have not heard that in ages), but she was making her point. If shoe was on the other foot, and your DH was sitting around decompressing for months, would you be cool with that? She's likely thinking about a generation skipping inheritance too....