My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"
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Anonymous
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My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend. I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off. She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from. My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it... |
Anonymous
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You made your feelings known, which is all you can do. What you can’t do is control whether she receives it, considers your perspective, apologizes, etc.
You CAN, going forward (if she repeats this or any similar comment) tell her point-blank that if she’s going to speak to you with disrespect, she’s going to leave your house and not return until she is ready to treat you with basic respect and kindness. (Or if you are at her house or a restaurant or something, you all leave. Together.) You need to be on the same page with DH about this. It’s actually fine for her to have opinions about work or whatever, but she can keep those opinions to herself and worry about her own life. If she disrespects you, she leaves, or you leave. No contact until she is ready to learn the basic lesson that if you have nothing nice to say, you don’t say anything at all. |
Anonymous
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A "sad sack" sounds like you've been wallowing and complaining. Not just sitting around.
Have you been? Get a routine, some goals, a rough plan towards achieving them. Spring is a great time for that every year. And keep enjoying your kids. Don't worry about MIL or her comment. She'll hopefully call you and apologize; she's probably more concerned about mental health than income or your resume. Humans need routine and goals. |
Anonymous
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I have a friend whose MIL judged her for NOT choosing to be a SAHM because that’s what she was.
Her comment could be two fold, 1) it’s her lived experience to be ambitious and work so maybe she has opinions about SAHMs, and 2) maybe she’s worried about her son bearing the weight of your family’s finances on his own and she’s not certain it’s what her son wants. Your DH should talk to his mother and ask her what’s up and assure her he’s onboard with your current situation (assuming he is). |
Anonymous
We don't know why she said that or what she meant or what she is worried about. I hope you two go out for coffee or tea and discuss it. She might be a good professional sounding board, on the previous toxic workplace and have ideas for next job or employer. If she's not then keep things high level, mentioned the high turnover at previous place and that you're regrouping for 6+ mos. BFD. Happens all the time in the tech industry, all genders. (and I do mean all). Is your spouse OK with being primary income person? stable job or volatile bonuses? |
Anonymous
| As someone who left a high level job I hated for an extended period I am fuming for you! I received so many inappropriate and frankly rude comments about "staying home" and it was compounded by me struggling with my identify not being in the workplace. (I was so enmeshed with my career). In this area its the first thing people ask you about. Wow I just can't believe she would use such a word, even if she doesn't understand why someone would want to leave and take a break. How incredibly rude. It shows more about her than you. |
Anonymous
To me, "sad sack" sounds like MIL is an insufferable byotch. |
Anonymous
NP. Actually, sometimes humans need to decompress, relax, reset, and avoid burnout. It’s fine to take some time to reset and recuperate. Whatever OP needs. It’s up to OP and DH what works for them, their household, their finances. MIL is not part of this decision-making process, and she can take her unsolicited opinions and stuff them directly up her arse. If she can’t keep her fat mouth shut, no more access until she can. |
Anonymous
My MIL feels that way, but for different reasons. She wants her married adult son with kids taken care of 24/7 so he can continue to only focus on his studies and hard work. And she deep downs knows he's incapable and has nasty temper tantrums, so SAHM situation would not overwhelm him as much as two working parents with active kids. |
Anonymous
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I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.
Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back. |
Anonymous
+1 I would not let your MIL get to you, OP. She sounds rally judgmental and nasty. Why you are home (or not) is none of her business, and if this issue is raised again, you need to tell her just that. |
Anonymous
| Is your mil a nice person generally? Not just to you but to people. What is she like outside of being a high pay attorney? |
Anonymous
| OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it. |
Anonymous
| Call her an oldsack and then let it go |
Anonymous
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Now there's a word I have heard or read in decades. I think I'd bust out laughing.
But probably defense mechanisms would kick in and I'd be silent. Then write a note or tell DH to later. |