My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A "sad sack" sounds like you've been wallowing and complaining. Not just sitting around.

Have you been?

Get a routine, some goals, a rough plan towards achieving them. Spring is a great time for that every year. And keep enjoying your kids. Don't worry about MIL or her comment. She'll hopefully call you and apologize; she's probably more concerned about mental health than income or your resume.

Humans need routine and goals.

I read this as goats and I thought, wow, that's a unique idea to get someone up and at em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend whose MIL judged her for NOT choosing to be a SAHM because that’s what she was.

Her comment could be two fold, 1) it’s her lived experience to be ambitious and work so maybe she has opinions about SAHMs, and 2) maybe she’s worried about her son bearing the weight of your family’s finances on his own and she’s not certain it’s what her son wants.

Your DH should talk to his mother and ask her what’s up and assure her he’s onboard with your current situation (assuming he is).

Yes, this. It makes me wonder what your husband has said to her... If nothing and he is fully supportive (hopefully), then he should shut it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now there's a word I have heard or read in decades. I think I'd bust out laughing.

But probably defense mechanisms would kick in and I'd be silent. Then write a note or tell DH to later.

My friend's mom called her a "career girl" as a slight because the mom didn't work and my friend does. That was another one straight out of the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Hahaha I called my kid a sad sack last week. She was a mopey, pouty annoying mess.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

I'm OP. Not planning to work for a while. My DH is fine with it. We can afford it. What do you mean by mooch territory? That's really offensive and in my mind anti-feminist! Wow. But I guess I know that my MIL is not alone in her mindset!

OP - a SAHM here - work in the home is not valued and not seen as honest work unless it’s hired help - at least by people like this poster. My family loves that everything is calm in our home, laundry done, house clean, I can come pick up from practice at a moments notice, can get things done for my husband during the day so he has more time later and still have time for myself to exercise and take care of my own health. It’s great. My kids are in high school and need me more than ever. I have a kid that has multiple practices after school - would I be my best self if I worked, tried to find a carpool, felt frazzled and stressed, picking up take-out all the time and always rushing?

A wise friend that went back to work told me the truth is you can’t be excellent at a job and also be an excellent mom. There is a trade-off.

The people that call this mooching are just jealous.

More sh#t insecure people say to make themselves feel better. If you must rag on someone elses choices you arent very secure in your own.

This is really wrong. You can be great at your job AND a great mom. I am not diminishing the work of a SAHM, but it’s a much easier lifestyle than being a WOHM once kids are in school. I can’t really relate to having no ambition at all, but ofc there are all sorts of different people out there. No one is jealous of you, trust me - most WOHMs would be bored, tending to housework/chores every day.

That said, this is not OP‘s situation. OP seems to be taking a well deserved sabbatical, something everyone should be able to do once in a while. MIL is a nasty women and I’d hate to have her in my life. Sorry, OP, but this woman needs to apologize sincerely, otherwise I’d be done with her.

Just curious - when do WOHMs get housework and chores done? Cooking and grocery shopping? While my kids are in school, I get these things done then they have my full attention when they come home, and they are never stuck running errands with me in the car. I think back on all the volunteering and organizing I’ve done in the community and at my kids’ schools and it’s the SAHMs getting it done. And NO I don’t think you can be a 5 star mom and a 5 star employee - something has to give. You end up prioritizing one over the other. Some people choose their kids and then they are just ok at their job. Some people choose their job and leave it to others to take care of their kids. So many working moms ask me to take their kid to practice. They call it a carpool but they don’t drive. No, go find another WOHM and figure it out.

Ever heard of cleaners and grocery delivery? Housekeepers? Keep up with the times, grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahaha I called my kid a sad sack last week. She was a mopey, pouty annoying mess.

Your poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us think you don’t just get to take time off work (like months) to rest and recover, unless you’re seriously physically ill. Like, it’s not allowed. That sounds lazy and self-indulgent to me. And yes, I know what I’m saying is judgmental. I would never say this out loud. Out loud I would say, “good for you!” But there you have it.

Whoever wrote this, if you are serious, talk to a therapist. You ARE allowed. So many ways to live a life. So many ways to be financially secure. So many ways to contribute to family life.

[Anonymous]

OP, MIL projected because of her own issues.

I would have a chat with her and say that I did not appreciate being called a sad sack, and to please avoid rude characterizations of my and my family’s choices.

Then change the subject. Either she gets it or she does not. No need for a long explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahaha I called my kid a sad sack last week. She was a mopey, pouty annoying mess.

I did too, but I embellished it: what a sad sack of potatoes you are this morning!

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is a lawyer. Beside manners are not their strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who left a high level job I hated for an extended period I am fuming for you! I received so many inappropriate and frankly rude comments about "staying home" and it was compounded by me struggling with my identify not being in the workplace. (I was so enmeshed with my career). In this area its the first thing people ask you about. Wow I just can't believe she would use such a word, even if she doesn't understand why someone would want to leave and take a break. How incredibly rude. It shows more about her than you.

+1 Same situation (with special needs kid to care for). My MIL called me "a waste" in front of my whole family. My mom cried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who left a high level job I hated for an extended period I am fuming for you! I received so many inappropriate and frankly rude comments about "staying home" and it was compounded by me struggling with my identify not being in the workplace. (I was so enmeshed with my career). In this area its the first thing people ask you about. Wow I just can't believe she would use such a word, even if she doesn't understand why someone would want to leave and take a break. How incredibly rude. It shows more about her than you.

+1 Same situation (with special needs kid to care for). My MIL called me "a waste" in front of my whole family. My mom cried.

Sorry you had to go through that. I have a special needs child I left the workforce for and have endured various digs from clueless relatives and friends over the years. They don't get it and never will so I just focus on my little family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is a lawyer. Beside manners are not their strength.

A number of lawyers who I know are mail adjusted people, who demand “thick skin”

Some are fine and make a point not to bring their work home. Some use their training in conflict to attract conflict.

[Anonymous]

Can you print out this thread and put it in an envelope for her?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I would care what MIL thought. I would think she is rude and move on.

I’m a SAHM. I’m sure MIL has thought or called me worse and I simply don’t care.