My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

This is stupid. You can take offense w/o seeing the nasty comment as true. She was rude, on many levels. Nosy. Presumptuous. And she disrespected OP. And that she felt able to do that is what I'd be pissed at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

OP said that MIL is retired. No need to willfully misunderstand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

This. And maybe she thinks her son should deserve some “well-needed time off.”

Then he should take it and/or work out a solution with HIS WIFE, without his mommy's input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

This is stupid. You can take offense w/o seeing the nasty comment as true. She was rude, on many levels. Nosy. Presumptuous. And she disrespected OP. And that she felt able to do that is what I'd be pissed at.

Exactly, and in OP's own home. She has shown you her colors and what she thinks of you, OP. You are also a verbal "punching bag" to her it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

So if your Jewish kid comes home hurt be a someone hurled a slur at them, no need to report to the school.

Got. It.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

OP's MIL has contempt for her and feels comfortable expressing that openly and directly.

OP wants MIL to be someone who cares about her and her feelings. MIL is not and never will be that person.

$ is a separate issue. It is an extremely derogatory way to describe how you see a close family member and to state it in front of others, to your face, says a LOT about MIL.

I would limit time with the kids, they don't need that kind of role model or to be teed up to be excoriated if they don't meet her approval.

This would make you a terrible person. Your rationale is flimsy at best -- you want to use your kids as a weapon to punish your MIL with because you'd be butt hurt over a valid criticism. You really must suck as a parent if this is your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

NP. She may not be jealous, but she is insecure: secure people do not try to belittle others. They are simply too busy enjoying their own life and minding their own business. Only insecurity or jealousy motivates people to be unkind to someone they ALLEGEDLY love and/or have close ties to.

Nah, I don't think the MIL is insecure. She doesn't likes OP and views her as a burden on her son. There are some type A personalities who are driven by adrenaline and look down at people not having a career.

This. Your job is to cut them off when they start belittling you or your life choices. Spend as little time around her as possible and do not give her information about how you are occupying your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

OP's MIL has contempt for her and feels comfortable expressing that openly and directly.

OP wants MIL to be someone who cares about her and her feelings. MIL is not and never will be that person.

$ is a separate issue. It is an extremely derogatory way to describe how you see a close family member and to state it in front of others, to your face, says a LOT about MIL.

I would limit time with the kids, they don't need that kind of role model or to be teed up to be excoriated if they don't meet her approval.

This would make you a terrible person. Your rationale is flimsy at best -- you want to use your kids as a weapon to punish your MIL with because you'd be butt hurt over a valid criticism. You really must suck as a parent if this is your thought process.

This doesn't even make sense. "sad sack" is an insult, not valid criticism. It's fine for op to want to distance herself from someone who insults her. Do you like people to insult you in front of your kids? Do you think that is good role modelling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

OP said that MIL is retired. No need to willfully misunderstand.

Retired and OLDER than OP. Don’t underestimate the role of envy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

Why do people "have" to work if it's not economically necessary? How does one "mooch" off a spouse?

I didn't get the impression they have "eff you" money. So, this creates a situation where there's a lot of pressure on one person to be the financial provider. My guess is OP didn't downgrade her lifestyle proportional to downgrading her share of the family income. So, there's an opportunity cost, too. Everyone should contribute -- what's her contribution now? Sitting on the couch, eaching bon bons and watching the Price is Right at 11 every day while their children are in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

We don't know why she said that or what she meant or what she is worried about.

I hope you two go out for coffee or tea and discuss it.

She might be a good professional sounding board, on the previous toxic workplace and have ideas for next job or employer. If she's not then keep things high level, mentioned the high turnover at previous place and that you're regrouping for 6+ mos. BFD. Happens all the time in the tech industry, all genders. (and I do mean all).

Is your spouse OK with being primary income person? stable job or volatile bonuses?

OP doesn’t have to explain herself.

Now YOU are confusing "need" with "want."

She sure sounds like she wants to. She's still ruminating on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

Why do people "have" to work if it's not economically necessary? How does one "mooch" off a spouse?

I didn't get the impression they have "eff you" money. So, this creates a situation where there's a lot of pressure on one person to be the financial provider. My guess is OP didn't downgrade her lifestyle proportional to downgrading her share of the family income. So, there's an opportunity cost, too. Everyone should contribute -- what's her contribution now? Sitting on the couch, eaching bon bons and watching the Price is Right at 11 every day while their children are in school?

Who cares if she eats bonbons? It's between her, her spouse and their deciding what finances and stress levels work for their family. It's really not up to an in-law to butt in and judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

Whether you ARE a sadsack or not is irrelevant. She should have kept her big mouth shut. Period.

I'd have told her to go F herself.

I would be limiting her time around the children because her attitude about you will spillover in her interactions with them. Get a paid sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

Why do people "have" to work if it's not economically necessary? How does one "mooch" off a spouse?

I didn't get the impression they have "eff you" money. So, this creates a situation where there's a lot of pressure on one person to be the financial provider. My guess is OP didn't downgrade her lifestyle proportional to downgrading her share of the family income. So, there's an opportunity cost, too. Everyone should contribute -- what's her contribution now? Sitting on the couch, eaching bon bons and watching the Price is Right at 11 every day while their children are in school?

Your MIL is on DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

It's spelled "perseverating"