My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

This. And I will say this as I'm now 55 I DGAF about what anyone thinks of me or my lifestyle choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

I have a few thoughts about this… I understand her viewpoint but at the same time it always amazes me how working women judge the women who don’t work. It’s pretty vicious!!! And as you said you were burned out and are re building. You will find something that gives you purpose again! And never underestimate the power of DCUM, for real I don’t think anyone is too busy to nose around on here and go crazy in the comments.

[Anonymous]

She thinks youre being a leech. Which, you kind of admit you are.

Own it. If you want to laze around in a life of luxury do it! Don't let other peoples opinions change what you want to do. That just sounds insecure.

[Anonymous]

My MIL died a decade ago and now I remember why she was so lovable… she just never said shit like this, ever. She didn’t view me as competition, she wanted me to be happy. Whether I worked or studied or stayed home she was 100% my #1 fan. I try to take notes and memorize what she was like for my future DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL died a decade ago and now I remember why she was so lovable… she just never said shit like this, ever. She didn’t view me as competition, she wanted me to be happy. Whether I worked or studied or stayed home she was 100% my #1 fan. I try to take notes and memorize what she was like for my future DIL.

I love this. Good on you for having such a wonderful MIL example, truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

[Anonymous]

Her comment was jerky, full stop.

You were right to address your feelings. She should apologize and never speak like that again.

Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth. If she apologizes and is otherwise loving and kind, move on.

But she was wrong and should apologize. She really should have immediately as it came out of her mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

NP. She may not be jealous, but she is insecure: secure people do not try to belittle others. They are simply too busy enjoying their own life and minding their own business. Only insecurity or jealousy motivates people to be unkind to someone they ALLEGEDLY love and/or have close ties to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

Wonder what your husband has been telling them.

Are you generally not able to reply to comments in a timely manner and take things too harshly. I would have laughing replied, "Oh, I'm not sad. Nice to be able to take some things of husband's plate since I have more downtime. Ha, he isn't complaining about not having to do the laundry now."

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, that was a very hurtful thing to say.

What is your relationship history with her, generally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

This is an interesting post and part of what I think drives so much conflict on these boards. So many women (myself included) want to be liked and to have every decision/comment we make supported/agreed upon. So OP can be perfectly content but it causes friction because she wants her MIL to also agree with her decisions.

Frankly one of the hardest things I’ve found about growing up is understanding that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL died a decade ago and now I remember why she was so lovable… she just never said shit like this, ever. She didn’t view me as competition, she wanted me to be happy. Whether I worked or studied or stayed home she was 100% my #1 fan. I try to take notes and memorize what she was like for my future DIL.

I had an MIL like this too. She taught me so much on how to show up in this world. I miss her dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

This is an interesting post and part of what I think drives so much conflict on these boards. So many women (myself included) want to be liked and to have every decision/comment we make supported/agreed upon. So OP can be perfectly content but it causes friction because she wants her MIL to also agree with her decisions.

Frankly one of the hardest things I’ve found about growing up is understanding that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

NP. Here’s what, though: MIL is certainly entitled to her opinion, but if she chooses to give that opinion, unsolicited? OP is well within her right to say I didn’t ask for your opinion, and you can keep it to yourself.

That’s not about needing people to agree with you or hype you up 24/7. That’s about setting the 100% reasonable boundary that you don’t want unsolicited advice, and you are not going to entertain it.

If MIL had said I have some thoughts and perspective from my career path, if you are open to them. From there, OP could have said yes please or no thank you. But instead, MIL decided to steamroll in, literally insult OP, and poke her nose into other people’s finances, and their home. Not OK.

[Anonymous]

I don't disagree with her. Though I would have kept the actual words to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A "sad sack" sounds like you've been wallowing and complaining. Not just sitting around.

Have you been?

Get a routine, some goals, a rough plan towards achieving them. Spring is a great time for that every year. And keep enjoying your kids. Don't worry about MIL or her comment. She'll hopefully call you and apologize; she's probably more concerned about mental health than income or your resume.

Humans need routine and goals.

NP. Actually, sometimes humans need to decompress, relax, reset, and avoid burnout. It’s fine to take some time to reset and recuperate. Whatever OP needs. It’s up to OP and DH what works for them, their household, their finances. MIL is not part of this decision-making process, and she can take her unsolicited opinions and stuff them directly up her arse. If she can’t keep her fat mouth shut, no more access until she can.

We might be losing the plot here. absent serious medical issue, no human actually “needs” to decompress in such a way that they do not carry any responsibilities for the bulk of the day.

I agree MIL should not say anything but I disagree that staying home jobless while your kids are in school is a “need.”