Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

THIS! Barely boomer Grandma here, 59. We do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often because we love, enjoy and want to have relationships with them. Our daughter is a SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. SIL has very flexible schedule so he can be present almost as much. We help out but there are so many rules and requirements. The more kids they have, the more rules they come up with. We can't have on the news, all programs must be pre-approved (I got in trouble for looney toons) Don't get me started on the food restrictions. I cook healthy but the older kids are constantly reading labels on everything. They don't like kids around certain family members for stupid reasons and seem to want to approve all of our friends (from comments the kids have made). Not everyone can be exactly like them or have the exact same beliefs. This is life. Let us be the Grandparents, love your kids and keep them happy and alive like we did you. You would have even more help if you would let it be organic and easier for us.

That is awful! I’m the millennial parent of young kids and I always tell my parents to do whatever to get by when they watch my kids! (Not regular childcare).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

So you're annoyed that your parents raised their kids and are enjoying their lives??

They are free to not make us a priority and it will be reciprocated.

Why are you telling people here? Tell your own parents.

[Anonymous]

My boomer parents are willing to help, but we schedule a long time in advance out of respect for their schedule. I certainly don't expect them to be available on a dime. From the article, I was surprised that 35% of millennials receive financial assistance from their parents. I don't know anyone my age (older millennial) who receives money from their parents, but I do have friends who are giving their parents money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

DP. I feel like this is going to be an underrated post, but that you are likely correct.

I agree. My ILs are in their 80’s. We have tweens/teens so don’t need their help, but I know people my age (43) with infants and toddlers, so yeah, your 80yo mom can’t help watch your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

OMG, aren’t you something! I simply can’t understand how FaceTime is a work for you - you are either available or you aren’t, if you aren’t, they call later, if you are, the kids are occupied for 15-20 minutes and you can relax with a cup of coffee. And as far as the pictures and updates, don’t you ever feel the urge as a mother to share with the world how amazing your kids are and what they are up to (I know I do), and who is the better audience for that than the grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Wow. That’s one obnoxious woman probably raising obnoxious kids. I don’t know if I could do it. My mother came to my house and I left. She’s their grandmother not my employee. Did your daughter forget that you raised her and did a good job? It’s not harmful to have different rules for grandparents. It’s healthy.

That's the way we feel too. The kids are young still, home schooled semi-isolated so we'll see how things change as they grow older. They are great parents in most ways but they have forgotten how great it was to grow up with all the freedoms they enjoyed. The kids are well behaved and respectful. They are doing a lot right but shouldn't make things so extremely difficult for those who want to be in their children's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

So you're annoyed that your parents raised their kids and are enjoying their lives??

They are free to not make us a priority and it will be reciprocated.

You are clearly unable to make anyone but yourself a priority, reciprocated or not. You parents are smart to no waste their time and energy on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

OMG, aren’t you something! I simply can’t understand how FaceTime is a work for you - you are either available or you aren’t, if you aren’t, they call later, if you are, the kids are occupied for 15-20 minutes and you can relax with a cup of coffee. And as far as the pictures and updates, don’t you ever feel the urge as a mother to share with the world how amazing your kids are and what they are up to (I know I do), and who is the better audience for that than the grandparents?

I'm not sure why old people don't get why everyone hate Facetime? It was such a source of discontent with my son and us that we completely had to stop all Facetimes. He couldn't stand Facetime at all, would act up, DH would get upset, grandparents would tell him he was being a bad boy, and the whole night got ruined. Stopped doing Facetime and his behavior all around improved. He would get worked up even knowing a Facetime was coming.

The other set of grandparents talks on the phone with him and he happily chats away for 15 min or so. Why isn't that enough?! Why the dumb Facetime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

OMG, aren’t you something! I simply can’t understand how FaceTime is a work for you - you are either available or you aren’t, if you aren’t, they call later, if you are, the kids are occupied for 15-20 minutes and you can relax with a cup of coffee. And as far as the pictures and updates, don’t you ever feel the urge as a mother to share with the world how amazing your kids are and what they are up to (I know I do), and who is the better audience for that than the grandparents?

Some kids hate FaceTime and it can be like pulling teeth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

So you're annoyed that your parents raised their kids and are enjoying their lives??

They are free to not make us a priority and it will be reciprocated.

You are clearly unable to make anyone but yourself a priority, reciprocated or not. You parents are smart to no waste their time and energy on you.

You sound lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Wow. That’s one obnoxious woman probably raising obnoxious kids. I don’t know if I could do it. My mother came to my house and I left. She’s their grandmother not my employee. Did your daughter forget that you raised her and did a good job? It’s not harmful to have different rules for grandparents. It’s healthy.

That's the way we feel too. The kids are young still, home schooled semi-isolated so we'll see how things change as they grow older. They are great parents in most ways but they have forgotten how great it was to grow up with all the freedoms they enjoyed. The kids are well behaved and respectful. They are doing a lot right but shouldn't make things so extremely difficult for those who want to be in their children's lives.

There are two sides to this. Sorry that I'm not okay with my kids coming over, watching nonstop TV for hours, eating unlimited desserts, juice and Diet Coke (who gives Diet Coke to toddlers?!). Then the kids come back to parents and they're crazed out of their minds. Can't grandparents take time out of their busy TV watching schedules to even play with kids? What's the point of even seeing the kids to just sit and binge TV with them.

My kids are so well behaved and love to play. Why are you trying to go out of your way to disrupt things? My FIL gave my toddler dessert (pie) and hot chocolate for breakfast and when I said we should wait and have that later, he told me it was his job to spoil. I packed the kids in the car and left. Grandparents aren't there to undermine parents, they're there to be another set of loving adults to bond with.

[Anonymous]

The entitlement shown on this thread is astounding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement shown on this thread is astounding!

+1. Makes me want to vomit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Wow. That’s one obnoxious woman probably raising obnoxious kids. I don’t know if I could do it. My mother came to my house and I left. She’s their grandmother not my employee. Did your daughter forget that you raised her and did a good job? It’s not harmful to have different rules for grandparents. It’s healthy.

That's the way we feel too. The kids are young still, home schooled semi-isolated so we'll see how things change as they grow older. They are great parents in most ways but they have forgotten how great it was to grow up with all the freedoms they enjoyed. The kids are well behaved and respectful. They are doing a lot right but shouldn't make things so extremely difficult for those who want to be in their children's lives.

There are two sides to this. Sorry that I'm not okay with my kids coming over, watching nonstop TV for hours, eating unlimited desserts, juice and Diet Coke (who gives Diet Coke to toddlers?!). Then the kids come back to parents and they're crazed out of their minds. Can't grandparents take time out of their busy TV watching schedules to even play with kids? What's the point of even seeing the kids to just sit and binge TV with them.

My kids are so well behaved and love to play. Why are you trying to go out of your way to disrupt things? My FIL gave my toddler dessert (pie) and hot chocolate for breakfast and when I said we should wait and have that later, he told me it was his job to spoil. I packed the kids in the car and left. Grandparents aren't there to undermine parents, they're there to be another set of loving adults to bond with.

I do feel like part of the problem is that grandparents are not as skilled as they used to be. My memories of grandparents are doing chores with them or driving to do chores, learning new skills, helping out in the kitchen, talking, celebrating, playing sports, and attending events. Also, a lot of cousin time with them just being available as babysitters. It's really the screens and the food that cause the most problems. If the grandparents were as engaged as their parents, they wouldn't get as much flack for their unstructured time with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Wow. That’s one obnoxious woman probably raising obnoxious kids. I don’t know if I could do it. My mother came to my house and I left. She’s their grandmother not my employee. Did your daughter forget that you raised her and did a good job? It’s not harmful to have different rules for grandparents. It’s healthy.

That's the way we feel too. The kids are young still, home schooled semi-isolated so we'll see how things change as they grow older. They are great parents in most ways but they have forgotten how great it was to grow up with all the freedoms they enjoyed. The kids are well behaved and respectful. They are doing a lot right but shouldn't make things so extremely difficult for those who want to be in their children's lives.

There are two sides to this. Sorry that I'm not okay with my kids coming over, watching nonstop TV for hours, eating unlimited desserts, juice and Diet Coke (who gives Diet Coke to toddlers?!). Then the kids come back to parents and they're crazed out of their minds. Can't grandparents take time out of their busy TV watching schedules to even play with kids? What's the point of even seeing the kids to just sit and binge TV with them.

My kids are so well behaved and love to play. Why are you trying to go out of your way to disrupt things? My FIL gave my toddler dessert (pie) and hot chocolate for breakfast and when I said we should wait and have that later, he told me it was his job to spoil. I packed the kids in the car and left. Grandparents aren't there to undermine parents, they're there to be another set of loving adults to bond with.

+1. My dad was allowing my kids to veg out in front of Youtube on his laptop and watch God knows what. I told him I had no problem with him putting on a movie or a show for them but they could not explore Youtube unsupervised because there is some sick sh*t on there. He of course acted like I was crazy. He also fed them cookies and Tang for lunch so I made sure to pack them a lunch when they went over there. My own grandfather used to play board games with us but that's too much work I guess.