WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

I would just invite the adult kids and their mom. Have brother and AP SIL come with their kids at another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

You waited a long time to give this update. How has this not come up in 5 years? Something seems amiss here....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

You waited a long time to give this update. How has this not come up in 5 years? Something seems amiss here....

Yeah, by now you would have experienced these issues many times.

G&G invite everyone, but totally understand that the adult Grandkids may leave if dad/stepmom show up. Can't say I blame them. They can be polite about it, but should not have to spend time with their dad/stepmom/SM kids unless they want to.

However, by now your parents must have figured out that having them all together is not the best idea. Doesn't seem like most of you and your siblings really care to see your brother with his family either. If it were me, I'd invite everyone but the dad/stepmom/family and visit with them later. He made this situation and no everyone doesn'thave to get over it---they don't have to want to be around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

OP, how did you wait so long in the thread to share this information? In any case, stop stirring the pot. This isn't your party so stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

Maybe the people who need to grow up are those who can't hack marriage and are just bored or unfulfilled and think nothing of blowing the family up because kids are "resilient". They never think to put their own selfish immature desires aside. You are messed up.

DP, You are tripping! People get divorced for various reasons. It’s hard, it’s painful and has lasting repercussions. But you don’t get to assume why people do what they or who it affects.
Get your healing. GO TO THERAPY!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

Hmmmm… is this OP and is this true?
You wait 13 pages to say she was the AP, I don’t buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

Maybe the people who need to grow up are those who can't hack marriage and are just bored or unfulfilled and think nothing of blowing the family up because kids are "resilient". They never think to put their own selfish immature desires aside. You are messed up.

DP, You are tripping! People get divorced for various reasons. It’s hard, it’s painful and has lasting repercussions. But you don’t get to assume why people do what they or who it affects.
Get your healing. GO TO THERAPY!!!!

Grow up and stop screaming.

[Anonymous]

Troll post. So obvious.

[Anonymous]

Lots of adult children in this thread who need to grow the eff up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of adult children in this thread who need to grow the eff up

Found the OW.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no! What grandparent would ever choose the AP and her spawn over their own grandchildren?? If OP’s brother expects anyone to ever be more than coldly polite to her he’s crazy. He should also expect his family to also think less of him, rightfully so.

I can’t even imagine what my grandmothers would have said to an AP that one of their sons brought in as a second wife. It would not have gone well for her and probably would have been hysterical for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of adult children in this thread who need to grow the eff up

Found the OW.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Either way one part of your family is excluded. There are two options:

1) choose your niece and nephew

2) choose your brother

You can’t have both. There’s no way you can invite your brother and tell him that his wife is not welcome. You need to accept that this your reality and stop pretending that you can still invite your brother and his children. Personally, I would tell brother that right now you feel his bio-children need support so you’re prioritizing them over his 2nd family.

Agreed with this. Honestly, if the brother doesn’t understand this, then it’s obvious why his fantasy of a happy blended family hasn’t worked so far. It is so incredibly traumatic to have some random “parent” forcing a relationship and new siblings on you in your teens. From all you’ve said so far, it doesn’t sound like the brother or his new wife have navigated this with any emotional maturity whatsoever. Would be sad for his kids to lose a family connection over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll post. So obvious.

Yep. Yet another attempt to villianize any woman (imaginary, in this case) who has the audacity to marry a man with children and expect to be treated with dignity and respect, even if she was not the AP and came along years later.

I do find it interesting that when many posters seemed to take the new spouse's side, UNLESS the woman was the AP, all of a sudden OP weighs in and now says, "Yes, she was the AP."

Waste of time responding anymore to these faux attempts to stir up more bigotry against second wives and/or women in stepmother situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

You waited a long time to give this update. How has this not come up in 5 years? Something seems amiss here....

5 years ago was 2018. There may not have been a big gathering in the immediate aftermath years and then COVID happened. So I could see how things are just now shaking out with these big family events.

I think the brother’s wife should gracefully bow out. If you start out as an AP then know you’ll always be that in the eyes of the kids. You got your man that you wanted, be happy with that and stop trying to make everyone accept you as family. Be big enough to let your DH’s kids enjoy a holiday with their extended family without a reminder that you boned their dad and blew up their family.