WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has no one in your family ever , ever gotten divorced? The amount of hand wringing going on here by the adult kids, the OP, the other cousins, etc is weird. Divorce is more common than non-divorce. Is your family full of special snowflakes or something?

My family is full of divorces and difficult, problematic step-relatives. That is how I know there's no point in trying to "blend" because the stepfamily will soon be the ex-stepfamily anyway. It's best to just live my own life away from all of this.

Sincerely,
ACOD

Maybe your family is effed up, that’s not how our family does!

Indeed my family is totally effed up. If you have a well-functioning family, then lucky you. But maybe refrain from judging those of us who didn't have your good fortune.

Sincerely,

A person whose stepbrother chronically tit-stares.

Yet, in your post you made a point of making your family’s issues the way most blended families are.
You dud that so Blane yourself and not me because that is not our issue, nor is it that if a lot of families. Sure my family has issues but don’t assume that is how it is for other people.
Here is to your healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

Sounds like your husbands family is a total
Mess. Even thinking about kids as “dumped kids” and “do over kids” is pretty hurtful. If divorced adults act like adults, no kids should be referred to as “dumped kids”. Because kids don’t get dumped in a divorce, under normal circumstances!

I am one and never felt like that so I guess you are wrong.

I know a lot of people want to pretend that “kids are resilient” and that blended families are double the fun, but in reality the descriptions of “dumped kids” and “do over kids” are a concise and accurate way to describe how children of divorce feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

Our family as well.

They should be able to bring their mom. In my extended family, they would bring their mom if she wanted to come. She's not a DIL anymore, but she is the mother of some grandkids/cousins, so she's family, too.

My parents broke up. My cousin's parents broke up. Family occassions were loud and crowded and there were plenty of exes at them. The divorcing adults just had to suck it up. If you didn't like your ex being there with the kids, then you didn't show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

Our family as well.

They should be able to bring their mom. In my extended family, they would bring their mom if she wanted to come. She's not a DIL anymore, but she is the mother of some grandkids/cousins, so she's family, too.

My parents broke up. My cousin's parents broke up. Family occassions were loud and crowded and there were plenty of exes at them. The divorcing adults just had to suck it up. If you didn't like your ex being there with the kids, then you didn't show.

So that is to say, if you don't want to spend time with the people who are there, it's okay not to come? Awesome. Glad we're on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

Thinking marriage vows mean what they say is not an "unresolved issue".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

No they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

How long did their dad promise to love and cherish their mom?

You need therapy for your unresolved issues. Parents get divorced MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, statistically. In other words, grow up.

Maybe the people who need to grow up are those who can't hack marriage and are just bored or unfulfilled and think nothing of blowing the family up because kids are "resilient". They never think to put their own selfish immature desires aside. You are messed up.

[Anonymous]

I am so here for all my fellow ACOD who are over it.
And yes, I do wish my bio parents happiness in their romantic relationships! Love, stability, commitment, etc.
But remarriage is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended family blunder. My brother remarried to a woman with children. His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it. Holidays are coming, our parents always gather kids and grandkids at Thanksgiving. His kids said "we are not coming if Dad's new family are there". We don't feel one way or the other about his new wife or her kids but it is all around awkward.

WWYD? Do we tell him "dear brother, please come but do not bring your wife and step kids"? We do, however, want to see our nieces and nephew.

Guests do not get to tell the hostess whom they may invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended family blunder. My brother remarried to a woman with children. His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it. Holidays are coming, our parents always gather kids and grandkids at Thanksgiving. His kids said "we are not coming if Dad's new family are there". We don't feel one way or the other about his new wife or her kids but it is all around awkward.

WWYD? Do we tell him "dear brother, please come but do not bring your wife and step kids"? We do, however, want to see our nieces and nephew.

Guests do not get to tell the hostess whom they may invite.

How does that apply here? The kids are telling their cousins they won't come if the family is there. And OP is wondering if she should tell her brother not to bring everyone. Nobody is talking about telling Grandma who she can invite. Sounds like Grandma invited everyone already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

They should be able to bring their mom. In my extended family, they would bring their mom if she wanted to come. She's not a DIL anymore, but she is the mother of some grandkids/cousins, so she's family, too.

My parents broke up. My cousin's parents broke up. Family occassions were loud and crowded and there were plenty of exes at them. The divorcing adults just had to suck it up. If you didn't like your ex being there with the kids, then you didn't show.

How is this the first problem Thanksgiving for OP parents? The brother got divorced at least 5 years ago- remarried and has step children. Ages? Brothers ex wife is remarrying and the guy has a DS. Age? Brothers 3 kids with ex range from 19-24. Old enough to possibly do a brief Thanksgiving stop in and go off to a GF.BF house.

Remarrying ex SIL also has parents unless deceased, maybe siblings, and same for her fiance. His kid wasn't hatched so that child could have a mom unless deceased.

[Anonymous]

OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

Why is this your problem to solve, though?