WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

I was firmly in the camp of inviting everyone and let the chips fall where they may.

With this belated update from OP, it changes everything. The adult children's reaction makes total sense. The brother seems to continue to act like a douche (he's the one who torn his family apart and now expects his children to be above it all?)

I'd choose the nephews and niece over the piece of sh*t brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll post. So obvious.

Yep. Yet another attempt to villianize any woman (imaginary, in this case) who has the audacity to marry a man with children and expect to be treated with dignity and respect, even if she was not the AP and came along years later.

I do find it interesting that when many posters seemed to take the new spouse's side, UNLESS the woman was the AP, all of a sudden OP weighs in and now says, "Yes, she was the AP."

Waste of time responding anymore to these faux attempts to stir up more bigotry against second wives and/or women in stepmother situations.

Agree. Obvious troll promoting bigotry by women against women.

[Anonymous]

Look, I think the college-aged kids will feel differently about this one day but for now, I think you have Thanksgiving with just the bio family and invite your brother and his new(er) family on Friday for a lunch. This might all be moot if they already have other plans for Thanksgiving. But it's worth considering that the affair and subsequent divorce is probably the most devastating thing that has ever happened to his bio kids and they are young adults who will gain perspective and realize that the anger is not energy well spent. They probably feel protective and loyal to their mom and this is how they show that.

But....the new SIL should come to peace with the fact that they may never view her as their step-mother or even particularly warmly. But, they will probably learn to put up with her being in the same room in a civil way. I know because I've been there and I remember the rage I felt and I would have appreciated solidarity from my family while I grew up, gained life experiences about how families are messy and figured it out. You can set the example by being kind to her and by giving your nephews time and space without judgement (and without fueling the rage) to figure it out. Also....your brother has some work to do.

[Anonymous]

Invite the nephews for Thanksgiving and invite the brother and his second wife for leftovers the next day. They're used to sloppy seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

OP, how did you wait so long in the thread to share this information? In any case, stop stirring the pot. This isn't your party so stay out of it.

Because she is a troll. No way this is suddenly causing an issue 5 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll post. So obvious.

Yep. Not well planned out at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

way to gaslight! [slow clap]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe the ex-wife doesn't like the stepfamily because the stepfamily sucks, and the nephews don't like the stepfamily for the same reason. There's not necessarily any bias or influence or manipulation by the ex-wife going on here. Maybe they're just awful people and it's plain to see.

Or maybe, just maybe. Nieces and nephews (and ex-SIL) are "awful" people and hate on dad's new family for no good reasons. How about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite the nephews for Thanksgiving and invite the brother and his second wife for leftovers the next day. They're used to sloppy seconds.

Is it the same poster posting over and over again about nephews when this isn’t about a group of boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe the ex-wife doesn't like the stepfamily because the stepfamily sucks, and the nephews don't like the stepfamily for the same reason. There's not necessarily any bias or influence or manipulation by the ex-wife going on here. Maybe they're just awful people and it's plain to see.

Or maybe, just maybe. Nieces and nephews (and ex-SIL) are "awful" people and hate on dad's new family for no good reasons. How about that?

OP already said new wife is the AP.

[Anonymous]

Someone needs to sit the brother down and be clear that neither he or his wife will ever be respected by anyone. Brothers bio relations will love him but will have lost respect. New wife will never respected or loved and probably not liked by anyone. The best they can hope for is polite acknowledgment and being kind to any minors.

What the brother and AP seem not to understand is that it’s not an issue of people forgiving them or getting over it because it isn’t just about the action. People who have affairs are trashy, bad people who simply don’t deserve respect. Their choice fundamentally changed how others view them and they can’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I would only invite the nieces and nephews (and maybe their mom.) There are the kids who are actually related to you and who you have known your whole life.

Would see the brother and his new family with the AP at another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite the nephews for Thanksgiving and invite the brother and his second wife for leftovers the next day. They're used to sloppy seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone needs to sit the brother down and be clear that neither he or his wife will ever be respected by anyone. Brothers bio relations will love him but will have lost respect. New wife will never respected or loved and probably not liked by anyone. The best they can hope for is polite acknowledgment and being kind to any minors.

What the brother and AP seem not to understand is that it’s not an issue of people forgiving them or getting over it because it isn’t just about the action. People who have affairs are trashy, bad people who simply don’t deserve respect. Their choice fundamentally changed how others view them and they can’t do anything about it.

This. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to start liking the person.

[Anonymous]

It's so bizarre how people think "I had an affair before marrying, and that means other people are obligated to welcome me to all their holidays and consider themselves siblings to my children."

It's funny how the obligation to treat others well didn't kick in before the affair began... and how it only applies to the ACOD.