Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

Op here. My therapist listens to me. And gives me “advice” on how to talk about it with my husband. But this hasn’t gone anywhere. My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

So, I know I’m lucky as the issue is in no way oral. It’s basically just positions-that are all completely common and normal. To be blunt-my husband is missionary only. If that gives any more insight into how what I’m asking for is not crazy.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”. It’s very difficult to talk to him about this because his answers simply don’t make sense to me. I’m so frustrated by it.

OP says she wants to try other positions besides missionary. Doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. I understand if it's not the husband's favorite but it's not like OP is asking to p*g him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

Op here. My therapist listens to me. And gives me “advice” on how to talk about it with my husband. But this hasn’t gone anywhere. My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

So, I know I’m lucky as the issue is in no way oral. It’s basically just positions-that are all completely common and normal. To be blunt-my husband is missionary only. If that gives any more insight into how what I’m asking for is not crazy.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”. It’s very difficult to talk to him about this because his answers simply don’t make sense to me. I’m so frustrated by it.

OP says she wants to try other positions besides missionary. Doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. I understand if it's not the husband's favorite but it's not like OP is asking to p*g him!

I've been with women who were attractive and fun to have sex with, but in certain positions it was an extreme turnoff because of their body shape or hygiene. One girl in college clearly needed some lessons in wiping and when she was on all fours the smell of poop just wafted up... real turnoff. She would ask for it, but I wasn't going to say "look, i'd hit it from the back if you'd start cleaning your butt better after dumping" because A) that would probably kill the sex that i enjoyed in all the other positions B) i really liked her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. So, I just gently demurred and suggested other positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

Op here. My therapist listens to me. And gives me “advice” on how to talk about it with my husband. But this hasn’t gone anywhere. My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

So, I know I’m lucky as the issue is in no way oral. It’s basically just positions-that are all completely common and normal. To be blunt-my husband is missionary only. If that gives any more insight into how what I’m asking for is not crazy.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”. It’s very difficult to talk to him about this because his answers simply don’t make sense to me. I’m so frustrated by it.

OP says she wants to try other positions besides missionary. Doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. I understand if it's not the husband's favorite but it's not like OP is asking to p*g him!

I've been with women who were attractive and fun to have sex with, but in certain positions it was an extreme turnoff because of their body shape or hygiene. One girl in college clearly needed some lessons in wiping and when she was on all fours the smell of poop just wafted up... real turnoff. She would ask for it, but I wasn't going to say "look, i'd hit it from the back if you'd start cleaning your butt better after dumping" because A) that would probably kill the sex that i enjoyed in all the other positions B) i really liked her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. So, I just gently demurred and suggested other positions.

Understood regarding your circumstances. But this is his wife! I would tell my wife she needs to wipe better or even suggest showering together before sex.

The body shape could be a more difficult conversation although I'm having a hard time imagining what body shape would make only missionary desirable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women complain about never having sex, let alone just missionary. I agree with you that variety is important in many things including sex. You need to take charge physically so get him on his back and climb on. Don’t ask, just do it. My husband lets me make the decision on what we do and he seems pretty satisfied.

FYI, if your DH said no, this is non-consensual sex. Non-consensual sex is rape.

U sound like an idiot. Its not possible for a wife to SA her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

I suggest to get a lover. Can you elaborate on the things he doesn’t want?

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever tell us if she actually climaxes? Did she respond to toy suggestions and her husband’s feelings about them? I feel like there is information we are not getting about the husband’s beliefs about women and their sexuality.

[Anonymous]

After I started using daily Cialis, I became much more sexually ravenous, developing woodies like crazy and just a little bigger even when not aroused. More sex can easily lead to more variety. So OP, just tell your DH you want him to be a little more “rigid” and that daily Cialis will do the trick. You haven’t suggested he would be adverse to meds. Then get back to us with updates…I suspect that he isn’t as into sex as you are…Cialis can rekindle things. Plus it’s great for his health.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you smell...down there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you smell...down there

I’m betting it’s hygiene or you’re fat.

[Anonymous]

If a women has never climaxed, what can that indicate? For background, four partners and solo on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he really wonderful in all the other ways?

You tell him something you want/need and he tells you 'the way we do it is fine.' That's really, really different than him explaining why it is hard for him.

That's dismissive and on the verge of outright gaslighting.

Op here. I mean, nobody’s perfect but I would say yes-he is pretty great. But I’m also not perfect and I’ll own that. But this issue bothers me so so much. And believe me, I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t mind/care. As it appears it wouldn’t matter to lots of women on this thread. I wish it didn’t matter to me either. But it does.

Soooooo how did we skip this while dating/engaged?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I stopped reading at page 4. I can’t believe a lot of men just like missionary. How boring. 🤦‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

Op here. My therapist listens to me. And gives me “advice” on how to talk about it with my husband. But this hasn’t gone anywhere. My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

So, I know I’m lucky as the issue is in no way oral. It’s basically just positions-that are all completely common and normal. To be blunt-my husband is missionary only. If that gives any more insight into how what I’m asking for is not crazy.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”. It’s very difficult to talk to him about this because his answers simply don’t make sense to me. I’m so frustrated by it.

OP says she wants to try other positions besides missionary. Doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. I understand if it's not the husband's favorite but it's not
like OP is asking to p*g him!

I wish I had a woman that would p*g me. Amazing feeling and out of this world O.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what happened to OP.

😆

[Anonymous]

I had this issue. DH wouldn’t do oral, and only wanted missionary. It was so weird, honestly. He would always make me O so I always wanted sex but it was very repetitive.

You have to be persuasive in a sexy way, I guess. Like when he is very excited and eager to move things along, that is really the time to suggest new stuff. Now DH always wants me on top. He just doesn’t like variety; once he finds something he likes he does not want to deviate.