Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine the response to a guy pressuring his wife for an open relationship because she won't do an@l even though she did it with previous BFs.

Yikes...

Op here. Definitely not taking about what you are referring to. Like I said-this is normal vanilla type stuff I want. And I definitely don’t consider what you mentioned vanilla. This is kind of my whole point-I’m not asking for crazy stuff.

And I agree-that nobody should feel pressured-that is literally what I mentioned in my post.

Did you guys not have a test run before marriage or something?

[Anonymous]

Good suggestion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

It's a two way street though.

Not OP

If it's so important, figure it out during vetting. Otherwise, deal with it. You can't get everything, and it sounds like things are pretty good otherwise.

Oh please. We all know quite well that there are tons of people (both men and women) who are generous (sexually and otherwise) while dating and engaged and then very different afterwards.

Yeah, but why would OP mention previous relationships instead of before we got married then? Seems like whatever the "vanilla" stuff in question is, it wasn't happening in this relationship at all.

[Anonymous]

Many women complain about never having sex, let alone just missionary. I agree with you that variety is important in many things including sex. You need to take charge physically so get him on his back and climb on. Don’t ask, just do it. My husband lets me make the decision on what we do and he seems pretty satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women complain about never having sex, let alone just missionary. I agree with you that variety is important in many things including sex. You need to take charge physically so get him on his back and climb on. Don’t ask, just do it. My husband lets me make the decision on what we do and he seems pretty satisfied.

Doesn't such a passive man dry you up?

[Anonymous]

My husband has a hard time staying hard with me on top. Maybe he is embarrassed to admit this? He could use viagra occasionally? I agree with sex counseling.

[Anonymous]

It is a bit hard to judge when we don't know what those things are. It is also hard to judge when we don't know whether those are primarily, or the only, things that will satisfy you. I.e., if you only get off through oral, and he refuses, that is different than if you are just interested in BDSM but otherwise can be satisfied. I would guess it is more common than not that one partner has interests that are not satisfied by the other partner because of a lack of interest in doing it.

Ultimately, if he refuses, I think your only options are to live with it or get it elsewhere (either openly or secretly).

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine this being such an issue in an otherwise wonderful marriage. OP is in for a shock if she thinks she would be better off divorced.

[Anonymous]

If your spouse doesn't want to do it, outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

It's a two way street though.

Not OP

If it's so important, figure it out during vetting. Otherwise, deal with it. You can't get everything, and it sounds like things are pretty good otherwise.

Oh please. We all know quite well that there are tons of people (both men and women) who are generous (sexually and otherwise) while dating and engaged and then very different afterwards.

Yeah, but why would OP mention previous relationships instead of before we got married then? Seems like whatever the "vanilla" stuff in question is, it wasn't happening in this relationship at all.

Op here. I know this is gonna sound crazy but we have been together so long that it’s hard for me to remember the earliest parts of our relationship in that way. But I want to say that we did have some variety at the beginning although it’s hard for me to remember. And honestly once we got married we had kids very quickly one after another so this wasn’t on the forefront of my mind for a very long time. Now that our children our older it’s becoming much more of an issue for me when before it was more in the background (of everything else going on in life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women complain about never having sex, let alone just missionary. I agree with you that variety is important in many things including sex. You need to take charge physically so get him on his back and climb on. Don’t ask, just do it. My husband lets me make the decision on what we do and he seems pretty satisfied.

Doesn't such a passive man dry you up?

Not at all! He’s giving me what I want and he gets very well rewarded.

[Anonymous]

My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”.

The resentment will grow, OP. You need to decide what control you want to exercise. Do everything you can to manage your resentment, or tell your husband that you're seeking another sex partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine this being such an issue in an otherwise wonderful marriage. OP is in for a shock if she thinks she would be better off divorced.

Do you think all divorced people are unhappy or something? I know many many people who should have gotten divorced but stay/stayed together anyway. And I know many people who got divorced and it was the best thing they ever did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine this being such an issue in an otherwise wonderful marriage. OP is in for a shock if she thinks she would be better off divorced.

Do you think all divorced people are unhappy or something? I know many many people who should have gotten divorced but stay/stayed together anyway. And I know many people who got divorced and it was the best thing they ever did.

It's not a helpful post in the least. The thread is about OP and the post starts with the word "I".

zzz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the things? If they truly are vanilla why does he refuse?

Oral.
He doesn't like to eat.
Not the OP