Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?

Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.

Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?

I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.

So you haven’t specifically asked for or initiated the position you desire? Just a general let’s try some new things? He’s probably thinking, too much work. Take the lead here. If he has bad knees, ask him to stand while you contort into a position that fits. You both seem passive. Just go for it. If he’s laying down in bed, get him going in whatever way he likes. Quickly get on top. Or sit him in a chair with no arms and straddle. It’s a great option for you to hold onto the back of chair for stability and control. It allows him to go deeper with little exertion. You can face him to start, then easily get into reverse cowgirl. Ok, I’m starting to sound like a freak. But you get the point.

Op here. NO- I have been VERY clear about exactly what I want. That’s why I get frustrated-because he responds like I’m asking for something crazy when they are definitely not. I’m not being vague when I talk to him about it. I am extremely specific.

And that’s why I won’t “just do it” after he has said no. Because I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me after I said no to something. Especially the person I’m married to.

Wow. Sorry for assuming you weren’t specific about your physical needs. It’s clear your husband is great in many ways. I’m stumped. What could be going on? Low libido, so obligatory sex. Porn addiction?

Idk. Not OP but sometimes it's literally the simplest answer. I've read through a lot of the thread but has anyone mentioned that he may not like "it" whatever "it" is?

Maybe some feel like oral is vanilla - and some ppl just plain don't like giving or receiving. Is this abnormal? Is it allowed to not like something just because you don't? Rhetorical really but if I didn't like doing something, would I do something physical like that just because my spouse wanted it? I'm unsure - on one hand we're supposed to compromise, but on the other we're supposed to "want" something and not do it because the other person likes it. Just a thought. It doesn't sound like a sexless marriage, but DH sounds like he REALLY doesn't want to do X.

[Anonymous]

This is an odd thread. It is rare to see the advice that a man should ditch his wife even if she is a wonderful wife and mother if she is too vanilla in bed because he deserves to have whatever sex life he wants and no woman should hold him back from all his sexual desires. That is she doesn't fully satisfy him sexually, then he needs to leave and find a more adventurous and higher libido sexual partner.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see a therapist but my husband refuses . Normal therapy or sex therapy he refuses it all . That’s why I was saying my situation is similar to OP . No an AP is not the first route obviously but weve been bickering over this for a long time

I understand. After more than 10 years of problems (mostly no sex) I had an emotional affair and came VERY CLOSE to a PA, but I just couldn't do it. Our life is otherwise great but it makes you crazy to feel unloved and trapped. We nearly divorced but started counseling and are doing better now.

DH has also never gone down on me. I enjoy doing it for him. Honestly it's the least of our probems but I have never been with another man and it's a little sad that the things he totally refuses to do are things I may never do, ever. I am up for anything and everything, I just wish he were more enthusiastic and adventerous.

Thanks for writing this . It gives me hope that maybe I could be more forward in how I’m really about to walk out on him and convince him to go to counseling . I understand some sexual things may be unfulfilled for you and I do hope he comes around

OP, I hope you’re able to make this conversation work. It’s going to be hard for him since he might hear “I don’t love you” but what you’ve said tells me that’s the exact opposite of the message. It’s crucial for him to know that you have a need that’s so strong that it could overwhelm everything else, even though to him he probably doesn’t even know it’s on the priority list. Ultimatums have a way of making things change, but the outcome may not be perfect. When we hit this point in our marriage (around when our kids were babies) and had a similar sort of conversation, I was willing to write a one-time hall pass. It’s been like a splinter in my mind ever since, so I don’t recommend it.

Can you share what you mean ? So he was disappointed with you and you almost wrote a hall pass for him but then it improved ?

PP. Yes, I wasn’t “enough” somehow but otherwise everything was great and so I said take a hall pass and don’t tell me about it. I’m honestly not sure it was ever cashed in but have wondered about it ever since. And now it has been years and yes, things are great and apparently now I’m “enough”.

You REALLY need to go to marriage counseling over this. I would go insane in these circumstances.

Why? Like I said, it has been years and we’re doing great. I’m a very stable person and can handle this little itch. If I really needed to I could ask, but that might make things worse. That’s the whole point of DADT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an odd thread. It is rare to see the advice that a man should ditch his wife even if she is a wonderful wife and mother if she is too vanilla in bed because he deserves to have whatever sex life he wants and no woman should hold him back from all his sexual desires. That is she doesn't fully satisfy him sexually, then he needs to leave and find a more adventurous and higher libido sexual partner.

I've posted on this thread already - and would provide a DH the same feedback as the DW. OP isn't just talking about "full satisfaction" but lack of sexual communication and reciprocity without a clear indication of why her DH has such approach.

That said, we also have a HUGE societal context of women not being aware of / comfortable with their own sexual agency and desires, and a deep seated belief system that prioritizes male libido (boys will be boys) and assumes that men want / need sex. We see a continuation of this in OP's thread - her DH's sexual desires rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an odd thread. It is rare to see the advice that a man should ditch his wife even if she is a wonderful wife and mother if she is too vanilla in bed because he deserves to have whatever sex life he wants and no woman should hold him back from all his sexual desires. That is she doesn't fully satisfy him sexually, then he needs to leave and find a more adventurous and higher libido sexual partner.

I think this is because we assume a man will just take matters into his own hands and have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an odd thread. It is rare to see the advice that a man should ditch his wife even if she is a wonderful wife and mother if she is too vanilla in bed because he deserves to have whatever sex life he wants and no woman should hold him back from all his sexual desires. That is she doesn't fully satisfy him sexually, then he needs to leave and find a more adventurous and higher libido sexual partner.

I think this is because we assume a man will just take matters into his own hands and have an affair.

Absolutely we would!

[Anonymous]

I am a woman with a male spouse and I would describe my marriage similar to OP. However I know that my DH is disappointed that I don't like oral (giving or receiving.) I think I have a good libido and am interested in sex several times a week even after 20 years of marriage and I'm also fine with pretty much any position. My DH seems at peace with this but obviously you never truly know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women complain about never having sex, let alone just missionary. I agree with you that variety is important in many things including sex. You need to take charge physically so get him on his back and climb on. Don’t ask, just do it. My husband lets me make the decision on what we do and he seems pretty satisfied.

FYI, if your DH said no, this is non-consensual sex. Non-consensual sex is rape.

[Anonymous]

Fake news you can’t rape men. Either take control or find an AP.

[Anonymous]

Before trying therapy, how is this best brought up to a wife, what are ways to suggest introducing the most mild “kink.” Wife is a conservative by nature, rarely wanting to go past missionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks when men won't go downtown on their wives, but probably whine endlessly that they don't it themselves.

DH goes down on me almost everyday. I would marry someone who didn’t enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

If my wife let me go down, I would enjoy. However, since the honeymoon phase, it’s been off the table.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what happened to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

"So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life?"

Yep. Your husband shared whatever you want to do is a no for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, deal with it.

Could be much worse in terms of sex life, let alone everything else. Count your blessings.

This. you are more blessed than you realize. Sex is not everything and you have a lot right now. Be content.