Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage

[Anonymous]

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist say?

[Anonymous]

Yes, deal with it.

Could be much worse in terms of sex life, let alone everything else. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Ask him for a DADT open marriage and you can have your needs met by someone else.

[Anonymous]

Imagine the response to a guy pressuring his wife for an open relationship because she won't do an@l even though she did it with previous BFs.

Yikes...

[Anonymous]

I think it sucks when men won't go downtown on their wives, but probably whine endlessly that they don't it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

It's a two way street though.

Not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

It's a two way street though.

Not OP

If it's so important, figure it out during vetting. Otherwise, deal with it. You can't get everything, and it sounds like things are pretty good otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine the response to a guy pressuring his wife for an open relationship because she won't do an@l even though she did it with previous BFs.

Yikes...

Op here. Definitely not taking about what you are referring to. Like I said-this is normal vanilla type stuff I want. And I definitely don’t consider what you mentioned vanilla. This is kind of my whole point-I’m not asking for crazy stuff.

And I agree-that nobody should feel pressured-that is literally what I mentioned in my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have been together almost half my life and he is a wonderful father and husband. I know nobody has perfect relationships and that you always have to take the good with the bad etc…

Although we have, what I would consider an “active” sex life-I have told him multiple times that there are things I want to do. Now these aren’t even taboo or crazy things. These are literally things that most other people would consider regular and normal. But he has basically straight out refused even though he has told me he did these things in previous relationships (as did I). This just keeps upsetting me more and more and my dilemma is this:

1. I don’t feel like I should have to give up what I want. We only get this one life. I want to enjoy it to its absolute fullest.
2. I don’t feel like anybody should be manipulated/ convinced to do something sexually they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me either.

So do I just plan on not having what I want sexually for the rest of my life? That just seems so depressing. Although I feel like we have a strong marriage-this is a big deal to me and I just feel like I can’t get over it. I do have a therapist and I do talk about it with them.

Thoughts?

The bolded is literally the entire basis of marriage. Not saying what your husband should or shouldn't do, but that attitude isn't compatible with a lifetime commitment to another person.

It's a two way street though.

Not OP

If it's so important, figure it out during vetting. Otherwise, deal with it. You can't get everything, and it sounds like things are pretty good otherwise.

Oh please. We all know quite well that there are tons of people (both men and women) who are generous (sexually and otherwise) while dating and engaged and then very different afterwards.

[Anonymous]

As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

[Anonymous]

What are the things? If they truly are vanilla why does he refuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As someone else posted, what does your therapist say? If your therapist isn't giving you even an iota of help in how to approach this, you may need to go to a sex therapist together with your DH. Especially as you say this is the one and only issue between you.

But first: Yes, your DH won't do certain things despite having done them before but the unasked/unanswered question here is: Why? What does he say when you ask him why he objects, if you've asked directly, OP? What is it about certain acts, which you find normal/not kink/desirable, that is so difficult for him that he won't do them? Did he have some bad experience with specific acts before, or does he find them just viscerally bad? (Trying to be delicate about it but there are some people, both women and men, to whom performing oral is just gut-level offputting, to be blunt. Not saying that's your specific issue, but there are people who have that level of reaction, so is something like that his problem? A sheer physical revulsion to some things he tried with others and won't even try with you?)

I knew you'd get the inevitable DCUM response of "ask for open marriage and get your 'needs met' elsewhere." Well, that's a great recipe for destroying the rest of the marriage over time, if not at first. You and DH need outside help if this is an impasse, but not the "outside help" of your getting involved with someone else. That no-strings, it's-just-sex! advice here is always blind to things like jealousies, people getting emotionally attached, etc. Don't risk an "otherwise great marriage" by doing that.

If DH is not aware how seriously you want certain acts, if you've only said, can we try X and he says no and you move on -- I'd have a talk (not in bed! not just before or after sex, either, but at another time entirely) about this. Maybe he's not fully understanding how much you feel you want this. But also, OP, have you considered if are there other measures where he can meet you halfway, for instance, by using toys on you etc.? Worth thinking about and getting creative in ways that might work for both of you, even if it's not your ideal. This really is something where a lot of talking can help, and finding out his "why" might be a breakthrough for you both. I know that from experience in our own marriage, by the way, OP.

Op here. My therapist listens to me. And gives me “advice” on how to talk about it with my husband. But this hasn’t gone anywhere. My husband would never go to therapy. He just wouldn’t.

So, I know I’m lucky as the issue is in no way oral. It’s basically just positions-that are all completely common and normal. To be blunt-my husband is missionary only. If that gives any more insight into how what I’m asking for is not crazy.

When I have asked him why he basically just gets defensive and says “the way we do it is fine” etc… and when I push a little he basically says “he just doesn’t want to and it seems like not things you do in a marriage”. It’s very difficult to talk to him about this because his answers simply don’t make sense to me. I’m so frustrated by it.

[Anonymous]

I think I would try sex therapy - not to get him to try other positions (since that seems to be a hard boundary for him for whatever reason) but to just find more ways to enjoy sex. It seems like just talking about it openly would help - to understand why it makes him anxious. Maybe there’s a reason, like he feels like he can’t perform in other positions?