girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Obviously not....don't twist things around. But if you go to dinner with both your parents weekly or multiple times per week without your spouse (unless it's okay with spouse/they don't want to go) then yes I would think there might be issues. If my parents did NOT want to see my spouse and only want to see me and the grandkids, then they wouldn't see any of us much. Same with my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

They can have lunch/dinner once in a while, but it shouldn't' come at the detriment of their marriage and certainly shouldn't be happening because the parent doesn't want to actually spend time with the spouse and it shouldn't be every Friday dinner or a time when the couple would actually want to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Obviously not....don't twist things around. But if you go to dinner with both your parents weekly or multiple times per week without your spouse (unless it's okay with spouse/they don't want to go) then yes I would think there might be issues. If my parents did NOT want to see my spouse and only want to see me and the grandkids, then they wouldn't see any of us much. Same with my ILs.

Going somewhat unsaid here … it is VERY common for the husband to rely on the wife to do all family event scheduling, even with his family. I can’t be the only woman whose DH would rarely see his mom except for me scheduling it. And I also make significant efforts for DS to see his paternal relatives. A MIL who wants to see her DS and grandkids would be a total idiot to exclude the DIL because the DIL is the gatekeeper (whether DIL signed up for that or not …)

That said, a rational DIL is not going to begrudge her husband having dinner with his mom alone every once in a while. But that’s different from an entire vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

THIS^^^^ 1000%!

Do you have kids yet? If so, do they understand why they don't get to see them as much as they'd like? Or get to have them for overnights/alone?
This is what I've been saying---it sends the wrong message and their future DIL will remember it for a long time (likely forever). I know I don't personally take kindly to being treated like crap and don't tolerate it and neither does my husband...if my IL did that (or my parents did that) they would simply be people we spend a lot less time with and we wouldn't trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

THIS^^^^ 1000%!

Do you have kids yet? If so, do they understand why they don't get to see them as much as they'd like? Or get to have them for overnights/alone?
This is what I've been saying---it sends the wrong message and their future DIL will remember it for a long time (likely forever). I know I don't personally take kindly to being treated like crap and don't tolerate it and neither does my husband...if my IL did that (or my parents did that) they would simply be people we spend a lot less time with and we wouldn't trust them.

agree, although I would probably cut a lot of slack if the family vacation had been planned before I even started dating him. also I personally would rather NOT vacation with IL so I would be happy to let him go alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

THIS^^^^ 1000%!

Do you have kids yet? If so, do they understand why they don't get to see them as much as they'd like? Or get to have them for overnights/alone?
This is what I've been saying---it sends the wrong message and their future DIL will remember it for a long time (likely forever). I know I don't personally take kindly to being treated like crap and don't tolerate it and neither does my husband...if my IL did that (or my parents did that) they would simply be people we spend a lot less time with and we wouldn't trust them.

DP, but I just don't get how people on DCUM share a completely different scenario and expect it to apply. This is a guy who was in the middle of excitedly planning a vacation with his parents when he started dating this woman less than a year ago. I mean, it's fine if OP invites and pays for her, but it's not required in this instance and it says nothing - NOTHING - about how she would respond to a long-term dating/living situation where a trip is planned after the son is already with an SO. How do you not see the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Calling you on your BS. Get your own fking life and stop demanding to be at every event your MIL is.

Umm what if it's a "family event" damn well the wife should be invited.

Now if it's just a mother hanging out alone with her son that's a different thing. Are you referring to that.



But a family vacation no sorry I would be pissed if my husband went off with his entirely family on a vacation and said sorry babe you're not invited.

+1

And mom/son can certainly hang out for lunch or whatever they want to do. But that does not need to be happening weekly or 2-3 times per week, unless the GF or spouse is okay with that. If it's an event with more than just Mom/Dad then the GF should be invited---you simply just don't invite one member of a partnership to a wedding or vacation alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

THIS^^^^ 1000%!

Do you have kids yet? If so, do they understand why they don't get to see them as much as they'd like? Or get to have them for overnights/alone?
This is what I've been saying---it sends the wrong message and their future DIL will remember it for a long time (likely forever). I know I don't personally take kindly to being treated like crap and don't tolerate it and neither does my husband...if my IL did that (or my parents did that) they would simply be people we spend a lot less time with and we wouldn't trust them.

DP, but I just don't get how people on DCUM share a completely different scenario and expect it to apply. This is a guy who was in the middle of excitedly planning a vacation with his parents when he started dating this woman less than a year ago. I mean, it's fine if OP invites and pays for her, but it's not required in this instance and it says nothing - NOTHING - about how she would respond to a long-term dating/living situation where a trip is planned after the son is already with an SO. How do you not see the difference?

DP. Yes it is a different scenario, but OP would be pretty dumb not to extend the invitation. It’s pretty clear she actively does not want the GF to come because she wants her DS to herself and doesn’t respect the relationship. Maybe GF will be the type to be fine with this; but maybe GF will be the type to accurately assess the situation and be very hurt by it. All signs point to this GF becoming a DIL, so this is a dumb and petty thing to do. If OP does not want to pay for partners (reasonable) then she needs to make a blanket policy of it and realize that the days of annual nuclear family vacations are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

I'm the PP from the post directly above. I also wanted to add if both parents and my spouse go to me that's not a one on one anymore that dynamic changes from a one on one catch up with an individual parent to a family dinner to which the spouse (who is a part of that family) is the only one being left out.

Every year or so I have dinner with just my parents and my sibling. Our spouses do not come. It is lovely.

We also have whole extended family events, one-on-one events, and every combination in between. My DH will even go out for a drink with my SIL on occasion. I'm sure it is a great opportunity for them to commiserate about some of the idiosyncrasies of my family of origin!

It works for us.

Once a year is very different than "weekly lunches/dinners".

Everyone has to do what works for them.

But having weekly FRi/Sat night dinner with your parents and siblings without spouses/SO would be a bit much for me simply because it's taking away valuable family time/US time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

You're not the "only one," but your kind is an increasingly rare breed. Most young women these days aren't going to engaged in this infantilized sh*t. My husband has a phone and a calendar and he can make plans with his family. I'm happy to discuss plans and logistics, but I'm not initiating anything for his family. It's up to him. I support him seeing his family, I support our kids seeing them, but I ALSO honor the fact that he finds them to be controlling, with unreasonable expectations, and I support him in finding a balance and not indulging their outsized expectations or their guilt-tripping antics. I support my husband first and foremost.

Obviously not....don't twist things around. But if you go to dinner with both your parents weekly or multiple times per week without your spouse (unless it's okay with spouse/they don't want to go) then yes I would think there might be issues. If my parents did NOT want to see my spouse and only want to see me and the grandkids, then they wouldn't see any of us much. Same with my ILs.

Going somewhat unsaid here … it is VERY common for the husband to rely on the wife to do all family event scheduling, even with his family. I can’t be the only woman whose DH would rarely see his mom except for me scheduling it. And I also make significant efforts for DS to see his paternal relatives. A MIL who wants to see her DS and grandkids would be a total idiot to exclude the DIL because the DIL is the gatekeeper (whether DIL signed up for that or not …)

That said, a rational DIL is not going to begrudge her husband having dinner with his mom alone every once in a while. But that’s different from an entire vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Obviously not....don't twist things around. But if you go to dinner with both your parents weekly or multiple times per week without your spouse (unless it's okay with spouse/they don't want to go) then yes I would think there might be issues. If my parents did NOT want to see my spouse and only want to see me and the grandkids, then they wouldn't see any of us much. Same with my ILs.

Going somewhat unsaid here … it is VERY common for the husband to rely on the wife to do all family event scheduling, even with his family. I can’t be the only woman whose DH would rarely see his mom except for me scheduling it. And I also make significant efforts for DS to see his paternal relatives. A MIL who wants to see her DS and grandkids would be a total idiot to exclude the DIL because the DIL is the gatekeeper (whether DIL signed up for that or not …)

That said, a rational DIL is not going to begrudge her husband having dinner with his mom alone every once in a while. But that’s different from an entire vacation.

You're not the "only one," but your kind is an increasingly rare breed. Most young women these days aren't going to engaged in this infantilized sh*t. My husband has a phone and a calendar and he can make plans with his family. I'm happy to discuss plans and logistics, but I'm not initiating anything for his family. It's up to him. I support him seeing his family, I support our kids seeing them, but I ALSO honor the fact that he finds them to be controlling, with unreasonable expectations, and I support him in finding a balance and not indulging their outsized expectations or their guilt-tripping antics. I support my husband first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

I'm the PP from the post directly above. I also wanted to add if both parents and my spouse go to me that's not a one on one anymore that dynamic changes from a one on one catch up with an individual parent to a family dinner to which the spouse (who is a part of that family) is the only one being left out.

Every year or so I have dinner with just my parents and my sibling. Our spouses do not come. It is lovely.

We also have whole extended family events, one-on-one events, and every combination in between. My DH will even go out for a drink with my SIL on occasion. I'm sure it is a great opportunity for them to commiserate about some of the idiosyncrasies of my family of origin!

It works for us.

Once a year is very different than "weekly lunches/dinners".

Everyone has to do what works for them.

But having weekly FRi/Sat night dinner with your parents and siblings without spouses/SO would be a bit much for me simply because it's taking away valuable family time/US time.

PP you are responding to. I'm not sure where you are getting the quote about weekly lunches or dinners. The posters in the chain I was responding to first suggested that it is not OK to ever meet up with an adult child without the spouse unless it was "girls or boys trip" and then that a family dinner with the "original family" was wrong. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Wow y'all PPs are nuts and completely going off on your own imaginary scenarios.

this is a GF NOT wife
a long-planned one time family trip NOT weekly dinners
less than a year relationship NOT 20-year marriage
DS active in planning (pre-GF) NOT a demanding mother usurpring DS's valuable time off

If you're about to reply talking about ILs and husbands.... you're in the wrong thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow y'all PPs are nuts and completely going off on your own imaginary scenarios.

this is a GF NOT wife
a long-planned one time family trip NOT weekly dinners
less than a year relationship NOT 20-year marriage
DS active in planning (pre-GF) NOT a demanding mother usurpring DS's valuable time off

If you're about to reply talking about ILs and husbands.... you're in the wrong thread

Thank you! (I am OP.)

Fair point to err on the side of being inclusive because this could set the tone for the future - I didn’t really think of it that way and I acknowledged I was probably wrong many pages ago! I think I felt reluctant mostly because things have moved so fast and we’ve been here before. But all the many PPs are probably right that we should think long term on this.

Also the whole spouses conversation - people setting standards on how much their spouse should be able to see their parents etc- makes me realize what a good marriage I have! We both encourage the other to spend time with our families alone. And are always totally fine when the other does that. That time with my parents is so important to me! And my husband’s is to him. And maybe that’s why I came at this the way I did initially. I can’t imagine criticizing my mother in law for wanting time alone with my husband.

Lastly I do think this convo is pretty tilted toward stereotypes of moms/sons.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt, carry on with the in-law venting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow y'all PPs are nuts and completely going off on your own imaginary scenarios.

this is a GF NOT wife
a long-planned one time family trip NOT weekly dinners
less than a year relationship NOT 20-year marriage
DS active in planning (pre-GF) NOT a demanding mother usurpring DS's valuable time off

If you're about to reply talking about ILs and husbands.... you're in the wrong thread

Thank you! (I am OP.)

Fair point to err on the side of being inclusive because this could set the tone for the future - I didn’t really think of it that way and I acknowledged I was probably wrong many pages ago! I think I felt reluctant mostly because things have moved so fast and we’ve been here before. But all the many PPs are probably right that we should think long term on this.

Also the whole spouses conversation - people setting standards on how much their spouse should be able to see their parents etc- makes me realize what a good marriage I have! We both encourage the other to spend time with our families alone. And are always totally fine when the other does that. That time with my parents is so important to me! And my husband’s is to him. And maybe that’s why I came at this the way I did initially. I can’t imagine criticizing my mother in law for wanting time alone with my husband.

Lastly I do think this convo is pretty tilted toward stereotypes of moms/sons.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt, carry on with the in-law venting!

I disagree if a couple lives together they are acting as married and should be treated accordingly. Besides many many people get married after a year of dating. And it's 2023 time to get away from the 1959s mindset of they have to be married to be taken seriously. What about couples who live together but never get married should they always be excluded?

I would find it odd if a couple lives together to tell them they aren't welcome to bring their partner they literally share property with and a life with. I'm assuming your child probably considers them their family

If your child no longer lives in your home the days of "nuclear family" trips and excluding someone's serious SO especially if they live together is out of the question. No more. They are clearly presenting that they are a unit. And it's not up to anyone else outside of the relationship to determine they are not. You should treat the couple how they present themselves.

Because I'm sure PPs sons considers his "nuclear" family the woman he is living with. He isn't living at home with his parents and siblings. That ship has sailed.

I also totally disagree that mom isn't taking away his vacation time. By excluding his serious girlfriend she is expecting him to use vacation time for mommy and that's less time for him and his gf. Most 25 year old men would rather vacation with their partner they live with than their mommy. That's literally the definition of taking away his vacation time because that's now less for the couple.

Also doesn't it set a bad precedent to leave her out now. What if she is hurt by that? And feels excluded. What harm does it do to be inclusive and kind to people. Too much inclusivity never hurt anyone but being exclusive has hurt feelings.