girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

*It would be odd if its a multi day vacation.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read 12 pages of replies, but I was that future DIL. Grandparents overseas flew everyone in the family over every other year. After two years of dating, while we were still in college no less, I was invited on the trips. I didn’t get a say in the plans, but I was welcome and I still appreciate how welcoming and generous they were. It also gave me the chance to get to know them, and them me. I’m much closer to his extended family than I would be otherwise because those trips gave me 20+ years of shared history in the pre-kid years. So invite her and pay, OP. The benefits for your potential future relationship far outweigh the risk of money lost if they don’t end up marrying. Parent-adult child is for lunch dates and activities, not for “family” time where you’re cutting out what your grown child considers his family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

So mom and dad get to be a “we” but son should stay a little boy forever. Got it.

Her son might not have a girlfriend next year, or a different one.

Once they are married, yes, she is family. Even if they are divorced, but have kids, I would still view my grandkids' mother as family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Nope. I didn’t say that GF should have a say — pointing out though, that she would be spending both money and vacation leave on a trip that she had no say in planning — including the price point.

If you’re the OP, you seem to be unraveling. If you’re not, then what’s the “me” about? No one is expecting anything from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Nope. I didn’t say that GF should have a say — pointing out though, that she would be spending both money and vacation leave on a trip that she had no say in planning — including the price point.

If you’re the OP, you seem to be unraveling. If you’re not, then what’s the “me” about? No one is expecting anything from you.

I'm OP and this isn't me! Realize there are a lot of replies here but this is very extremely different in tone than everything I have said. As I've said a few times here, this has gone extremely far afield from my particular situation but glad people are getting their in law venting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

And to be clear, this is also not me (OP). Horrible.

The mothers/sons points are interesting. I bet the answers might be a bit different if I were talking about a daughter and boyfriend. A lot of women here talking about their own experiences with their mothers in law and projecting.

But thank you again for the replies, and despite some of the silly stuff there were a lot of good points made here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

Wait wait wait. You think it’s ok for the girlfriend to have a say in her BF’s parents vacation that they are entirely paying for. Your are bay sh^t crazy.

I was going under the assumption she was paying entirely her own way. If they are paying for her completely then I agree with you she shouldn't have a say but the reasoning isn't because she's a girlfriend the reason is because they are paying entirely her way. I don't care who it is in relation to the family if someone is having there all expenses paid for by someone else than I would expect them not to have a say because someone else is paying for it.

It's not because the gf should be treated as "less than" like I was by my future in laws at the time. Luckily though my now husband stood by my side. Or I probably wouldn't have married him if he didn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Calling you on your BS. Get your own fking life and stop demanding to be at every event your MIL is.

Umm what if it's a "family event" damn well the wife should be invited.

Now if it's just a mother hanging out alone with her son that's a different thing. Are you referring to that.

But a family vacation no sorry I would be pissed if my husband went off with his entirely family on a vacation and said sorry babe you're not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

[Anonymous]

You can invite her or not and he gets to choose to attend or not. Personally, I would err on the side of warmth and inclusion because this person is important to my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

I'm the PP from the post directly above. I also wanted to add if both parents and my spouse go to me that's not a one on one anymore that dynamic changes from a one on one catch up with an individual parent to a family dinner to which the spouse (who is a part of that family) is the only one being left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

I'm the PP from the post directly above. I also wanted to add if both parents and my spouse go to me that's not a one on one anymore that dynamic changes from a one on one catch up with an individual parent to a family dinner to which the spouse (who is a part of that family) is the only one being left out.

Every year or so I have dinner with just my parents and my sibling. Our spouses do not come. It is lovely.

We also have whole extended family events, one-on-one events, and every combination in between. My DH will even go out for a drink with my SIL on occasion. I'm sure it is a great opportunity for them to commiserate about some of the idiosyncrasies of my family of origin!

It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

We are discussing a several day vacation not a 2 hr lunch.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

Has anyone anywhere suggested that they can’t?

20:57
"With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid."

So it's ok for each parent to have their spouse but their child is expected to include their spouse. Don't tell me what it's all their parents. Because you could say well it's also your DIL/SIL plus your child's spouse.

Now if it's just one parent and child regardless of gender totally different story

I'm the PP from the post directly above. I also wanted to add if both parents and my spouse go to me that's not a one on one anymore that dynamic changes from a one on one catch up with an individual parent to a family dinner to which the spouse (who is a part of that family) is the only one being left out.

Every year or so I have dinner with just my parents and my sibling. Our spouses do not come. It is lovely.

We also have whole extended family events, one-on-one events, and every combination in between. My DH will even go out for a drink with my SIL on occasion. I'm sure it is a great opportunity for them to commiserate about some of the idiosyncrasies of my family of origin!

It works for us.