girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

As a girlfriend of six month, I would be fine for my BF to go on a pre planned family trip. If invited and interested in going, would expect to pay my own share.

As a girlfriend of 2+ years, would expect to be included and paid for if they are paying for everyone else.

That being said, everyone's income factors in. If I'm making good money and they are retired on pension, it's different than they being wealthy and me struggling on entry level salary. Either way, if everyone has good intentions, its no big deal either way. Long term relations are more important than a fancy vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a girlfriend of six month, I would be fine for my BF to go on a pre planned family trip. If invited and interested in going, would expect to pay my own share.

As a girlfriend of 2+ years, would expect to be included and paid for if they are paying for everyone else.

That being said, everyone's income factors in. If I'm making good money and they are retired on pension, it's different than they being wealthy and me struggling on entry level salary. Either way, if everyone has good intentions, its no big deal either way. Long term relations are more important than a fancy vacation.

Umm what you are not entitled to anyone's money even if they are millionaires and you are struggling in an entry level job. That's not their fault and doesn't automatically mean they should have to pay for you especially as a GF. I wouldn't even necessarily expect an invite at the dating stage. It would be nice to be invited but I don't think it should be expected. If I'm paying for all my own kids I don't think one of my kid's significant others should automatically be paid for.

Now if this was your own family of origin and your parents were paying for all of your siblings but you then yes that's unacceptable and a conversation needs to be had.

[Anonymous]

My MIL when we were already MARRIED planned a family vacation and invited me but stated she was only paying for my husband but not for me. Way to make me feel like part of the family. I felt like the more inclusive way to do it would have been for her to say, "look this is the amount I can afford to give towards you guys for vacation the rest is on you guys" or to pay for neither of us. After marriage my thing is if you can't afford both you can't afford neither. To flat out be like I'm paying for my son but sorry your wife is on her own is such a shitty feeling. I told my husband my mother would never treat him like that and he fully agreed with me. Needless to say we bowed out of that vacation.

[Anonymous]

I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL when we were already MARRIED planned a family vacation and invited me but stated she was only paying for my husband but not for me. Way to make me feel like part of the family. I felt like the more inclusive way to do it would have been for her to say, "look this is the amount I can afford to give towards you guys for vacation the rest is on you guys" or to pay for neither of us. After marriage my thing is if you can't afford both you can't afford neither. To flat out be like I'm paying for my son but sorry your wife is on her own is such a shitty feeling. I told my husband my mother would never treat him like that and he fully agreed with me. Needless to say we bowed out of that vacation.

Bet your MIL doesn't get to see much of her grandkids (if there are any). I would bow out of that vacation and would not be spending much time with MIL in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

Yours don't have any SO so it's hypothetical not an experienced opinion and you can afford to pay for everyone which is not a norm for average family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

Yours don't have any SO so it's hypothetical not an experienced opinion and you can afford to pay for everyone which is not a norm for average family.

If we couldn't afford to pay in full, we would still invite them/attempt to plan something that works for most. Point is, you attempt to have gatherings, without any pressure on them attending. You involve them in the planning, if you want them to come and yes, you include SO if they exist. You don't get upset if they choose not to attend, because they are grown ass adults with their own lives. But if you are open minded and fun to be around, they will likely try to come on some of the trips---or you select simpler trips that appeal/everyone can afford

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

OP and DH are married and have biological offspring(s). The son and his gf are not married and do not have biological offspring(s) together. OP and her DH can ask to spend time along with their unmarried adult DS on a family vacation. For all practical purposes, the gf is just a chick their DS is banging.

There is a difference.

Also it's highly disrespectful to refer to a serious partner of an adult who they live with as "some chic their DS is banging" this isn't some HS gf of 1 month. This is a serious adult relationship. That downplays the seriousness of their relationship.

Clearly the son loves this girl and they live together so he doesn't see her as "some chic he is banging."

I'm curious if instead of being 25 this couple was 45 would you still refer to them as "some girl he is banging?"

I mean, OP admitted her son is a “serial monogamist,” which I take to mean he whips through girlfriends with a quickness. So personally I wouldn’t be spending a lot of money on a girlfriend of less than a year—she’ll probably be tossed out with next month’s garbage.

That's a gross way to talk about any young woman.

Plus a serial monogamist still means when her son dates these women they are exclusive therefore should be invited accordingly. Not saying by any means the OP has to pay for her but the invitation should be there

This is just your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a girlfriend of six month, I would be fine for my BF to go on a pre planned family trip. If invited and interested in going, would expect to pay my own share.

As a girlfriend of 2+ years, would expect to be included and paid for if they are paying for everyone else.

That being said, everyone's income factors in. If I'm making good money and they are retired on pension, it's different than they being wealthy and me struggling on entry level salary. Either way, if everyone has good intentions, its no big deal either way. Long term relations are more important than a fancy vacation.

This is quite entitled. What a brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

Yours don't have any SO so it's hypothetical not an experienced opinion and you can afford to pay for everyone which is not a norm for average family.

If we couldn't afford to pay in full, we would still invite them/attempt to plan something that works for most. Point is, you attempt to have gatherings, without any pressure on them attending. You involve them in the planning, if you want them to come and yes, you include SO if they exist. You don't get upset if they choose not to attend, because they are grown ass adults with their own lives. But if you are open minded and fun to be around, they will likely try to come on some of the trips---or you select simpler trips that appeal/everyone can afford

Just like its easy for non parents to have all the parenting solutions, easy for non in law to have all the solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

Yours don't have any SO so it's hypothetical not an experienced opinion and you can afford to pay for everyone which is not a norm for average family.

If we couldn't afford to pay in full, we would still invite them/attempt to plan something that works for most. Point is, you attempt to have gatherings, without any pressure on them attending. You involve them in the planning, if you want them to come and yes, you include SO if they exist. You don't get upset if they choose not to attend, because they are grown ass adults with their own lives. But if you are open minded and fun to be around, they will likely try to come on some of the trips---or you select simpler trips that appeal/everyone can afford

Just like its easy for non parents to have all the parenting solutions, easy for non in law to have all the solutions.

I mean it's really not that hard to be inclusive. Your kids are grown they are gonna want their partners with them in vacation. You don't have to pay for the SO but you should invite them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

OP and DH are married and have biological offspring(s). The son and his gf are not married and do not have biological offspring(s) together. OP and her DH can ask to spend time along with their unmarried adult DS on a family vacation. For all practical purposes, the gf is just a chick their DS is banging.

There is a difference.

Also it's highly disrespectful to refer to a serious partner of an adult who they live with as "some chic their DS is banging" this isn't some HS gf of 1 month. This is a serious adult relationship. That downplays the seriousness of their relationship.

Clearly the son loves this girl and they live together so he doesn't see her as "some chic he is banging."

I'm curious if instead of being 25 this couple was 45 would you still refer to them as "some girl he is banging?"

I mean, OP admitted her son is a “serial monogamist,” which I take to mean he whips through girlfriends with a quickness. So personally I wouldn’t be spending a lot of money on a girlfriend of less than a year—she’ll probably be tossed out with next month’s garbage.

That's a gross way to talk about any young woman.

Plus a serial monogamist still means when her son dates these women they are exclusive therefore should be invited accordingly. Not saying by any means the OP has to pay for her but the invitation should be there

This is just your opinion.

Yes that's what this forum is full of opinions. Your point? Mine happens to be that an adult in a committed relationship should be welcome for family events. Not sure why it matters if they dated 1, 5, or 10 people. If they are now exclusive with someone and serious invite them accordingly. If you want your kid to join why wouldn't you invite them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once children have spouses or live in partners, family picnics are fun, even an overnight beach visit or similar is okay but longer travel or extended vacations are just too complicated.

Why would they be too complicated? You invite the couple (family), offer to pay what you can (not only for your kid of origin---you offer to cover airfare for everyone or the hotel/vrbo for everyone or the whole trip, whatever you want and can afford) and then you hold no grudges or any issues if they say no, because they are adults and get to choose how they spend their Time.

We currently have grown kids without SO yet. We still include the kids on a summer vacation to Europe each year. We fully pay, so they have chosen to come each year. We will fully pay as well once their is a SO and/or grandkids. It's their choice if they want to come for some/part/all of the trip. If you have a healthy relationship with your kids, there is a good change they will want to come. Hint: we also plan the trip with them in mind and select dates that work best for everyone's work schedule....sometimes they come for only half the trip, because they don't have enough vacation or work requires them to be back (due to projects).

Yours don't have any SO so it's hypothetical not an experienced opinion and you can afford to pay for everyone which is not a norm for average family.

If we couldn't afford to pay in full, we would still invite them/attempt to plan something that works for most. Point is, you attempt to have gatherings, without any pressure on them attending. You involve them in the planning, if you want them to come and yes, you include SO if they exist. You don't get upset if they choose not to attend, because they are grown ass adults with their own lives. But if you are open minded and fun to be around, they will likely try to come on some of the trips---or you select simpler trips that appeal/everyone can afford

Just like its easy for non parents to have all the parenting solutions, easy for non in law to have all the solutions.

Quite different, actually. As I am married and know what it is like to have ILs, I also have friends who have ILs and who are ILs---so lots of experience to draw upon. I have lived life and seen what causes issues in many families and what works (for many). I believe the key is to be open, welcoming, loving and don't expect/demand anyone attend---it's a simple invitation that all are free to turn down without any repricusions.
If you host vacations/events and invite everyone without any concern for if they come or not (no explanation required if they cannot come, other than RSVP NO),and go about it in a carefree fun way, nobody should be upset. We plan to include all of our kid's SO in any vacations once they exist. Up to our kid and their SO if they choose to attend. If not, no hard feelings, we will still continue to welcome them at anytime.

If you have a good relationship with your kid and their SOs, they might actually want to spend time with you. I define good as one where you are equals, and don't hold shit over their heads and don't play favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

OP and DH are married and have biological offspring(s). The son and his gf are not married and do not have biological offspring(s) together. OP and her DH can ask to spend time along with their unmarried adult DS on a family vacation. For all practical purposes, the gf is just a chick their DS is banging.

There is a difference.

Also it's highly disrespectful to refer to a serious partner of an adult who they live with as "some chic their DS is banging" this isn't some HS gf of 1 month. This is a serious adult relationship. That downplays the seriousness of their relationship.

Clearly the son loves this girl and they live together so he doesn't see her as "some chic he is banging."

I'm curious if instead of being 25 this couple was 45 would you still refer to them as "some girl he is banging?"

I mean, OP admitted her son is a “serial monogamist,” which I take to mean he whips through girlfriends with a quickness. So personally I wouldn’t be spending a lot of money on a girlfriend of less than a year—she’ll probably be tossed out with next month’s garbage.

That's a gross way to talk about any young woman.

Plus a serial monogamist still means when her son dates these women they are exclusive therefore should be invited accordingly. Not saying by any means the OP has to pay for her but the invitation should be there

This is just your opinion.

Yes that's what this forum is full of opinions. Your point? Mine happens to be that an adult in a committed relationship should be welcome for family events. Not sure why it matters if they dated 1, 5, or 10 people. If they are now exclusive with someone and serious invite them accordingly. If you want your kid to join why wouldn't you invite them?

+1

The people who "hate" their In-laws typically have IL who try to control everything or who are not inclusive. The people I know who love their ILs have ILs who include them and treat them as if they are family, because they are. Treat people with respect and as adults and you will likely be treated similarly.