girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

25 year old son has had several very serious girlfriends, a bit of a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married. Moved in with current girlfriend after just a few months of dating. It's now been another six months or so, and they do absolutely everything together - there is no "I" anymore, just "we." We love the girlfriend, she's great and we hope they stay together. But do we need to invite her on family vacation to an expensive faraway place next spring? We are already buying the tickets. I am sure son will angle for her to come. We've settled on not mentioning her, and if he asks we say we would love for her to join but they need to buy the plane ticket? Is that fair? Who knows if they will still be together next year. And also, is it selfish to want to have family together without girlfriend? While she is great, we never ever see son alone anymore. How do people navigate this?

[Anonymous]

You can offer and he can: 1. Come without girlfriend, 2. Pay for her ticket, or 3. Not go. Are you prepared to go without him?

If you want to see him one-on-one, then just ask him and that doesn't have to be for this vacation. You can ask him anytime.

If you don't include the girlfriend and they become a long-term couple or marry, is excluding her how you want to establish a relationship with her and with them as a couple?

If he wants GF to go, asking that they cover her airfare is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

[Anonymous]

I was married by 25. Your son is "a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married" and has moved in with someone he sounds very serious about. I understand he's not married, but he's in a committed relationship.

I get not wanting to waste money on someone who may not be in the picture later, but the same could have been said for me and my DH back when we were 25, yet here we are still together.

More to the point, if you exclude her now, you risk damaging the relationship with your son now. Whether or not they'd still together in 1 year, or 10, or 50, your choice will carry implications for your relationship with him for all of that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

[Anonymous]

Also on the side of openly inviting her just as you would your son. Paying one ticket (even if it's expensive) is a vanishingly small price to pay to start out on good terms and make your son feel supported. And you even like her! 25 year olds also often have very limited vacation time so may not want to go alone with you (especially if they need to start banking days for a honeymoon). Yes, you are entering a new stage of life in which you should expect less alone time with your son.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you start letting go of the “family vacation” idea at this point, especially one that requires a lot of expense and advance planning. That’s not really compatible with adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

So mom and dad get to be a “we” but son should stay a little boy forever. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

It’s not weird to want to see their son. It IS weird to try to monopolize an adult child by booking a family vacation as if they were still a child at home. Your kid is an adult - drop the expectation that their priority is to vacation with you.

[Anonymous]

Drop the notion of “family vacation” unless you are prepared to invite all S/Os and children.

The significant other is his priority now. Exclude at your own risk. Hope the cost of one plane ticket is worth it…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

Nope, it’s not. Just as it’s not weird for the son to see only one of his parents separately sometimes. But offering an expensive, far into the future treat to their son — with the expectation that he push aside his committed relationship to get it is one that will likely have long term consequences on multiple levels.

It sounds as though the parents did not include the son, let alone the couple in their planning process at all. So the son goes alone— possibly damaging relationships with his partner AND with his parents; the couple use time and money that they might not have to spare for something that they had zero voice in planning; or the parents offer the trip to the couple as a gift, rather than press the idea of a “family” vacation—where who is and ISN’T a member of the family gets highlighted.

I would either do the expensive trip with my spouse, or, if money is an issue, including the couple in planning something different that pleases everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the notion of “family vacation” unless you are prepared to invite all S/Os and children.

The significant other is his priority now. Exclude at your own risk. Hope the cost of one plane ticket is worth it…

+1 to this and I agree with the other posts saying the same thing. He’s not 16, he’s 25 and sounds like he wants to marry this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

Nope, it’s not. Just as it’s not weird for the son to see only one of his parents separately sometimes. But offering an expensive, far into the future treat to their son — with the expectation that he push aside his committed relationship to get it is one that will likely have long term consequences on multiple levels.

It sounds as though the parents did not include the son, let alone the couple in their planning process at all. So the son goes alone— possibly damaging relationships with his partner AND with his parents; the couple use time and money that they might not have to spare for something that they had zero voice in planning; or the parents offer the trip to the couple as a gift, rather than press the idea of a “family” vacation—where who is and ISN’T a member of the family gets highlighted.

I would either do the expensive trip with my spouse, or, if money is an issue, including the couple in planning something different that pleases everyone.

To add: In the son’s position, I would not go. So “already buying the tickets” is interesting — especially if mom is planning to just dump all of these pre-paid plans on the son, assuming that he’ll upend his life and his own plans to go along with it. I don’t think mom has recognized that he’s an actual adult with an actual separate life now.

[Anonymous]

If it were me and I was having heartburn about paying for son’s partner, I’d plan a different less expensive vacation where I would be willing to pay. There is no way that I would ask the partner to pay if I weren’t expecting my own kids to pay. It will forever change your relationship with your son and likely will poison the relationship with his partner for a long time to come.

[Anonymous]

Son is 25, not 15. The days of nuclear family vacation are over. If you push for it to just be him, you should prepare for him not to come at all, and for it to cause tension in the future as you are setting an expectation.

It would behoove you to start thinking of what kind of mother in law you plan to be. Wives tend to tip the scale when it comes to where holidays are spent, when grandparents visit the kids, etc. Being inclusive and welcoming of your son’s partner will save you a lot of Christmas tears in the next 30 years.