Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stayed home on a lower salary for DH than yours OP. Zero regrets. Out family life is so much more sane, our kids eat healthy home cooked meals, are read to every day, and we have a very strong bond. I don’t worry about going back to work because there will always be some type of a job for an intelligent, educated person who has the desire to work, albeit at a lower salary I am sure. So far I have not needed to go back.

No one wishes they had worked more or made more on their death bed. No one.

I worked full time outside the home and made every meal from scratch , and read to my child everyday.

I am not sure what image you have in your head of how kids with two working parents are raised. It appears to support your life choices though, so I guess that is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stayed home on a lower salary for DH than yours OP. Zero regrets. Out family life is so much more sane, our kids eat healthy home cooked meals, are read to every day, and we have a very strong bond. I don’t worry about going back to work because there will always be some type of a job for an intelligent, educated person who has the desire to work, albeit at a lower salary I am sure. So far I have not needed to go back.

No one wishes they had worked more or made more on their death bed. No one.

I worked full time outside the home and made every meal from scratch , and read to my child everyday.

I am not sure what image you have in your head of how kids with two working parents are raised. It appears to support your life choices though, so I guess that is good.

+1

My family is so different from the ones largely being discussed on this thread. We both work full time in government jobs. We have less money than most families described here, but we spend a lot of time together as a family including on weekdays. Obviously, our child gets read to every day (by us and at her child care center). And yeah, we eat out maybe two meals per week? Every other meal is home cooked. Do I think our family is better? Of course not, much of what is described on this thread sounds great. But I feel incredibly fortunate.

[Anonymous]

The $400k poster is fascinating. It really is expensive to be rich. And only $35k for retirement...wow. I hope you are getting good matches and/or pensions from your employers.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on many, many factors.

I have mixed feelings, as I have been out of the work force for about 7 years and it is definitely a bit hurdle and I am not even sure anything I would like to do professionally at this stage will work out. Women are not necessarily going to be sympathetic to you when you try to return, fwiw, especially if they did not do the same. It was necessary for our kids' well-being, and I have to remind myself of that when I have regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on many, many factors.

I have mixed feelings, as I have been out of the work force for about 7 years and it is definitely a bit hurdle and I am not even sure anything I would like to do professionally at this stage will work out. Women are not necessarily going to be sympathetic to you when you try to return, fwiw, especially if they did not do the same. It was necessary for our kids' well-being, and I have to remind myself of that when I have regrets.

+1. I only took a couple of years off and it really set me back in my career, but it was worth it for the time with my kids. I only wish we didn't have to make such choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stayed home on a lower salary for DH than yours OP. Zero regrets. Out family life is so much more sane, our kids eat healthy home cooked meals, are read to every day, and we have a very strong bond. I don’t worry about going back to work because there will always be some type of a job for an intelligent, educated person who has the desire to work, albeit at a lower salary I am sure. So far I have not needed to go back.

No one wishes they had worked more or made more on their death bed. No one.

People always say this, but there are people who are proud of their lifetime accomplishments. Imagine a teacher or doctor - I'm sure they are proud of helping people throughout their career. They probably don't care too much about the money, though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

So if you are making $400K, then you are taking home $260K (after fed and state taxes and FICA). Add in $20K for each spouse for 401K and another $6.5K each for IRA---that's $53K reduction. If you have 2 Kids, then take away $25K/year for college savings (at a minimum)--this might pay for in-state for 4 years for each kid.

So now I have only paid taxes, saved for retirement and college (the bare minimum) and I have $182K remaining for everything else.



My monthly mortgage on a million dollar home will be $6K+ for mortgage, insurance, prop taxes ($72K). Health insurance plus medical co-pays/fees per month will easily be $1K, and the kids are not even old enough for braces.

Add in vehicle insurance, costs for cars, etc...

Then I've got food, clothing, etc.

Oh and perhaps we need to fly to see family once per year in the USA.

So sure, I technically could afford to pay business class for a trip to Europe for my family of 4, but that would be $4K/person vs $1.2K/person. So $16K vs 4.8K. I will be flying economy and using the difference to help pay for the rest of the vacation.

What I am getting out of your post is that you have approximately $100,000 after paying taxes, retirement savings, college savings, mortgage, and health insurance. So let’s say you have about 8K per month to pay for food, clothing, transportation, and entertainment. That is an absolute f***ton of money.

So yes, you can “technically” and OBVIOUSLY afford to spring for business class tickets on your yearly European vacation if that is something that matters to you (and I am not sure how many rich posters on here were whining about “cattle class” or if you were one of them). That you choose not to is just that, a CHOICE.

(TLDR: your post only confirms you would be an idiot to pretend you can’t afford business class on 400K income. Stop crying poor, it’s ridiculous.)

If you have 8k a month for all of those things, would you spend 15-20k on business class seats?

If you earned 100k a year would you spend 5% of your income on plane tickets for one vacation? My guess is no.

I don’t think PP is saying she’s too poor to afford business class. What she’s saying is if you spend 15-20k on business class seats it’s going to have to come from somewhere else.

Exactly! Not saying “I’m poor”. But pointing out it’s not the smartest decision fiscally. Most fiscally smart people would not spend on business class seats at that income—-I’d rather have that money for an extra vacation than spend 12-14k for 8 hours on a plane.

Sigh. There is a fundamental miscommunication here. The question is not “would this be a smart financial decision?” Nor is the question “would I personally spend this money on business class tickets?” The question was “could I afford to spend that much money on business class tickets if I decided that I really wanted to fly business class?” And the answer indisputably is “yes, you can afford it”.

I can’t figure out what in the world the rest of you are arguing about. No one is telling you that you are required to fly first class, just as no one is telling you that you should buy a 1 million dollar+ house or a six figure electric vehicle, or that you should have a nanny or a housekeeper or a lawn service or private schools, or invest all your money so you can take a tour in Jeff Bezos’s rocket someday. Merely that these things are options at that income level (actually I am not sure about the rocket) and you can use your discretion to determine where to put your discretionary income. Pretending that you simply can’t afford it when the reality is that you just don’t want to spend your money that way is silly.

But they are not really options. That is what you don't seem to understand. No fiscally sound person is paying that much for business class on that income!! They are saving that money for college and retirement. So no most at that income do not feel they can "really afford it". Because if they started spending on frivolous luxuries like that they wouldn't be in a good financial spot.

I mean if I make $100K I can also choose to spend $50K on a vehicle and find a way to "make it work"...but It is NOT a financially sound decision and most smart people do not do that. Most by a vehicle foe $20K and run it into the ground.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

That’s about our income:

$260,000 after tax

- $40,000 per year home payment

- $35,000 private school tuition for one of our three children who was struggling in public school (which happens to be the reason I took a high paying but very stressful job I’d rather not have…. Not to fly first class lol)

- $35,000 contributions to retirement savings

- $30,000 contributions to college savings

- $25,000 groceries, household necessities, and eating out

- $6,000 utilities including cell phone, internet, and streaming services

- $12,000 health insurance, premiums including for mental health which one kids requires, medications, braces

- $2000 clothes for whole family and sports equipment for kids

- $10,000 work parking, private school shuttle, ez pass, and gas

- $5,000+ total fees for seasonal sports for each of three kids (it’s about $200+ for rec where we live, so if they do fall soccer and winter basketball and spring baseball and summer swim it adds up to about $2500 per year) plus at least an equal amount for other activities, such as weekly swim lessons, weekly gymnastics, or private pitching lessons for my older son who is a baseball pitcher. Those things tend to run over $100 per month.

- $3500 music lessons plus instrument rentals for two kids

- $6000 life and car insurance premiums

- $1000 pool membership

- $8000 house cleaning devices plus grocery delivery fees

- $2000 misc items such as haircuts, school supplies and supply donations to the classrooms, dry cleaning, and weekend outings like parking at the zoo or going ice skating

- $4000 car and home repair such as annual tree trimming because we have a lot of big old trees, frequent repairs on a 15-year old car we have, and other unexpected things that always come up

- $4,000 gifts for each other for birthdays and holidays, for family, for kids’ friends birthdays, for weddings or similar, etc, hosting holiday dinners, other holiday expenses like a Christmas tree

- $10,000 vacations such as a week at the beach and flying to visit our parents

- $10,000 full time summer camp (for childcare) for three kids


Of course there are areas where we could cut back such as kids’ sports or eating more frugally, but those are expenses we’ve prioritized for the good of our health and quality of life. But really it’s just super expensive to raise kids in this region. I used to work less and we spent less on house cleaning and summer camps, as well as commuting costs, but I make a good deal more than the difference, and we need those things to make it feel sustainable. We live in an old moderately sized house, drive old cars, don’t do travel sports, don’t travel overseas, don’t eat out much or buy high end clothes/furniture, etc.

It's really super expensive to raise kids the way you choose to do in this region (especially if you have three!). I'm a developmental psychologist--there are many thriving, resourceful, curious kids who do not have 10k summer camps and lots of private lessons and three seasons of sports. I think you've made fine, reasonable choices about how you spend your money, but they are choices not requirements. Many parents say choose 1 sport, do school or church based summer camps, or select sport or private lesson, or if a child needs private school opt for less of everything else.
And if your kid is high school age they get a summer job not a summer camp! Their kids are thriving just the same.

Umm no $10k for 3 kids for the entire summer (ie exciting childcare) is not that expensive. That’s typically 10-12 weeks of camp. So it’s about 300 or leas per week per kid. Park and rec camps for 5-6 hours per day ran me $200-250/week 15 years ago

Have you heard of inflation?

Obviously I Have. Did you read what I wrote? I stated $10K is NOT expensive because I was paying nearly that for P&R camps 15 years ago, so that implies that it would cost a lot more now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stayed home on a lower salary for DH than yours OP. Zero regrets. Out family life is so much more sane, our kids eat healthy home cooked meals, are read to every day, and we have a very strong bond. I don’t worry about going back to work because there will always be some type of a job for an intelligent, educated person who has the desire to work, albeit at a lower salary I am sure. So far I have not needed to go back.

No one wishes they had worked more or made more on their death bed. No one.

People always say this, but there are people who are proud of their lifetime accomplishments. Imagine a teacher or doctor - I'm sure they are proud of helping people throughout their career. They probably don't care too much about the money, though.

It is like the people who only do one of the options feel the need to convince themselves that it was either/or.

Of course if I had to choose between being a good parent or working outside the home, I would pick parenting. But do SAHM's not realize what a value judgement they are making on others when they portray the choices that way?

I think someone who did a great job with their kids AND contributed majorly to the larger society must be pretty threatening to them, so they return to this false choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider what your children will learn by watching a smart capable women’s who is entirely dependent upon a man for food and shelter, like one of his children.

She focuses on child care and home management. ( I mean when the kids are older, not babies. )

Don’t you think that will influence their perceptions of the genders?

I mean, I view it as working together as a family unit. Would be a sahm in a heartbeat if my income wasn’t necessary to provide a good lifestyle for our family. I’m a working mom and think my kids would be a lot better off with a parent at home instead of being attached to our nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my second child earlier this year and I’m really feeling the pull to stay at home, mostly because I’m not in love with my job and our home life feels so hectic all the time because my husband and I both have those stereotypical “very busy” jobs. (I know this won’t be popular but we would keep our nanny for a while so I would have time to devote to household things other than just childcare, so I do think staying home would improve how smoothly our lives run vs. how it is now.)

Anyways, I know there are lots of women who always post “don’t stay at home, your husband might leave you and you won’t be able to support yourself!” Which I hear and I do consider that risk.

But posting this in the money/finances section because I would really like to hear from anyone who ended up regretting staying at home because financial problems became an issue later on (not due to divorce). This is my main fear in making the decision.

Or if everything worked out for you and your partner financially and you are very glad you decided to stay at home, please share as well!

I stayed home for a few years, and being financially dependent on my husband is not that comfortable, IMO, even though he is very nice and never made it an issue. It affected my self worth because any money I used for myself felt selfish, somehow, like I was taking it out of the family pot. I think maybe we would have benefitted from laying out a budget in advance (for things like, clothing, haircuts, travel for myself).

I ended up pursuing some personal projects that make a small amount of money (think $10,000-20,000 per year). that helped tremendously, even though we don't necessarily *need* it. It gave me back a sense of financial agency. And now that my kids are both in elementary, doing a bit of work when they were little will help me if I want to get back into more full time work -- it's much easier to ramp up, than to start fresh after a complete stop. There are so many working skills that can get rusty.

If you can swing part time work, even as little as 10 hours a week, it makes an enormous difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider what your children will learn by watching a smart capable women’s who is entirely dependent upon a man for food and shelter, like one of his children.

She focuses on child care and home management. ( I mean when the kids are older, not babies. )

Don’t you think that will influence their perceptions of the genders?

I mean, I view it as working together as a family unit. Would be a sahm in a heartbeat if my income wasn’t necessary to provide a good lifestyle for our family. I’m a working mom and think my kids would be a lot better off with a parent at home instead of being attached to our nanny.

I think you are both right. Staying home was better for my daughters when they were small. Seeing me work (a family friendly flexible job) now that they are tweens/teens is also good for them, and our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stayed home on a lower salary for DH than yours OP. Zero regrets. Out family life is so much more sane, our kids eat healthy home cooked meals, are read to every day, and we have a very strong bond. I don’t worry about going back to work because there will always be some type of a job for an intelligent, educated person who has the desire to work, albeit at a lower salary I am sure. So far I have not needed to go back.

No one wishes they had worked more or made more on their death bed. No one.

People always say this, but there are people who are proud of their lifetime accomplishments. Imagine a teacher or doctor - I'm sure they are proud of helping people throughout their career. They probably don't care too much about the money, though.

I agree. Work isn't just about money and work doesn't preclude you having meaningful relationships with your children--and in some ways enhancing your relationship with your kids--especially as they get older. If you don't work a job outside the home, you're not going to regret the achievements you didn't have because you can't really picture them. If you do work outside the home, you're not going to say you regret not working more because you chose the balance you had. I think that "deathbed study" of regrets was really from one particular time period, and the catchphrase that everyone repeats about no one regretting not working more, is connected to men who used work to avoid their families, had their identities totally wrapped up in work and then lost that when they retired and never built much else after that. It's a warning to not become too narrow. I think it could equally serve as a warning to a SAHP whose identity was totally wrapped up around their children and then struggle to find much else they deeply value when the kids leave their nest. This is especially true if the kids don't have children themselves or move far away and their family role narrows considerably.

I have noticed in both my parents as they age (they are both nearing 80) how much their work histories give meaning to their lives---when my kids were younger, they used to recall the family experiences they had when we were children. But now that the grandchildren are older, they tend to reminisce about their own childhoods and their adult working lives and their experiences with our grandkids. My mom was a SAHP for most of our childhoods, but she seems more connected to her work life as a teacher before and afterward and her current volunteer work in terms of her current identity than staying home with us. We live far away from them and come back to our family home for just holidays so you might think there would be a lot of reminiscing about our childhoods etc. but they seem very much more tied to what they are doing now. So it's not about 'working more' but rather 'doing meaningful work' and evolving over your lifespan regardless of whether you are a parent who also works outside the home or one who does not for the years when your children are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider what your children will learn by watching a smart capable women’s who is entirely dependent upon a man for food and shelter, like one of his children.

She focuses on child care and home management. ( I mean when the kids are older, not babies. )

Don’t you think that will influence their perceptions of the genders?

You are the only one with warped perceptions, hope you don't pass it on to your kids but you likely have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have regretted not being a SAHM now that I see how well things turned out. You really can’t look back, substitute a few pieces and think it would have worked out better. One decision affects another.

+1. Plus I didn’t want strangers raising my kids.

Do you understand what you're proposing? That anyone with kids needs to stay home or have a partner who stays home? How exactly would this work?