Has confronting the other woman ever gone well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.


Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

So? You really want to risk your DH’s life and career and your kids public embarrassment bc of whatever you think confronting the OW will accomplish? Grow up, or save it for reality TV.

+1

[Anonymous]

Axis II deferred for much of the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Au contraire, it is you that indulges in the black and white.

I didn't say divorce was the only appropriate answer. It is certainly, however, one of them. It is also a choice for someone to really dig into the wrath, but there are certainly other ways of dealing with it. However, I would go through the thread to point out where that sort of thing has been shown or validated, but then you'd critique me for being tedious.

Let's leave it as an exercise for the reader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Au contraire, it is you that indulges in the black and white.

I didn't say divorce was the only appropriate answer. It is certainly, however, one of them. It is also a choice for someone to really dig into the wrath, but there are certainly other ways of dealing with it. However, I would go through the thread to point out where that sort of thing has been shown or validated, but then you'd critique me for being tedious.

Let's leave it as an exercise for the reader.

You literally posted "Divorce is appropriate."

You could cherry pick some words that you could use to support your disjointed thought processes. Don't waste your time.

I'd suggest trying to understand how the abuse in your life has led you to believe a betrayed spouse can't simply confront the Ow about her part in an affair. You probably don't have many healthy family interactions in your experience to see how this plays out in a positive, compassionate way. Knowing how to create healthy boundaries with people who enter your life and standing up for yourself is probably not in your tool box.

[Anonymous]

See, PP, that's the splitting. No middle ground, no nuance, no imagination. That's your problem, right there.

Responding to you is appropriate.
Not responding to you is appropriate.
Checking out other threads instead of returning to this one is appropriate.

There isn't just a binary choice. Many options are here. Work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, PP, that's the splitting. No middle ground, no nuance, no imagination. That's your problem, right there.

Responding to you is appropriate.
Not responding to you is appropriate.
Checking out other threads instead of returning to this one is appropriate.

There isn't just a binary choice. Many options are here. Work on that.

Are you okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Au contraire, it is you that indulges in the black and white.

I didn't say divorce was the only appropriate answer. It is certainly, however, one of them. It is also a choice for someone to really dig into the wrath, but there are certainly other ways of dealing with it. However, I would go through the thread to point out where that sort of thing has been shown or validated, but then you'd critique me for being tedious.

Let's leave it as an exercise for the reader.

You literally posted "Divorce is appropriate."

You could cherry pick some words that you could use to support your disjointed thought processes. Don't waste your time.

I'd suggest trying to understand how the abuse in your life has led you to believe a betrayed spouse can't simply confront the Ow about her part in an affair. You probably don't have many healthy family interactions in your experience to see how this plays out in a positive, compassionate way. Knowing how to create healthy boundaries with people who enter your life and standing up for yourself is probably not in your tool box.

Seriously what is your problem? A betrayed spouse can do whatever she wants but doesn’t have the right to tell others how to respond or that their response requires therapy. Boundaries, get some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Au contraire, it is you that indulges in the black and white.

I didn't say divorce was the only appropriate answer. It is certainly, however, one of them. It is also a choice for someone to really dig into the wrath, but there are certainly other ways of dealing with it. However, I would go through the thread to point out where that sort of thing has been shown or validated, but then you'd critique me for being tedious.

Let's leave it as an exercise for the reader.

You literally posted "Divorce is appropriate."

You could cherry pick some words that you could use to support your disjointed thought processes. Don't waste your time.

I'd suggest trying to understand how the abuse in your life has led you to believe a betrayed spouse can't simply confront the Ow about her part in an affair. You probably don't have many healthy family interactions in your experience to see how this plays out in a positive, compassionate way. Knowing how to create healthy boundaries with people who enter your life and standing up for yourself is probably not in your tool box.

Seriously what is your problem? A betrayed spouse can do whatever she wants but doesn’t have the right to tell others how to respond or that their response requires therapy. Boundaries, get some.

Why are you so adverse to therapy?

[Anonymous]

You are not talking to just one person, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.


Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

So? You really want to risk your DH’s life and career and your kids public embarrassment bc of whatever you think confronting the OW will accomplish? Grow up, or save it for reality TV.

Do you catastrophize on a regular basis? You should get therapy for that.

Uh, this is very typical fallout from a discovered and publicized affair. Maybe not getting shot but the rest yes. You want to put your private life on a billboard be my guest but more people than not handle this privately.

No it’s not. The vast majority of affairs revealed have no impact on life, career, or public standing. Especially for men. You fantasy world is not reality, which is a common theme for people who engage in affairs.

There are therapists that can help you get out of that destructive way of thinking.

How is talking to the AP or sending her spouse a email/personal phone call making it public? No more than when AP was “talking” to BS’ husband in a hotel room. Neither is public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Au contraire, it is you that indulges in the black and white.

I didn't say divorce was the only appropriate answer. It is certainly, however, one of them. It is also a choice for someone to really dig into the wrath, but there are certainly other ways of dealing with it. However, I would go through the thread to point out where that sort of thing has been shown or validated, but then you'd critique me for being tedious.

Let's leave it as an exercise for the reader.

You literally posted "Divorce is appropriate."

You could cherry pick some words that you could use to support your disjointed thought processes. Don't waste your time.

I'd suggest trying to understand how the abuse in your life has led you to believe a betrayed spouse can't simply confront the Ow about her part in an affair. You probably don't have many healthy family interactions in your experience to see how this plays out in a positive, compassionate way. Knowing how to create healthy boundaries with people who enter your life and standing up for yourself is probably not in your tool box.

Seriously what is your problem? A betrayed spouse can do whatever she wants but doesn’t have the right to tell others how to respond or that their response requires therapy. Boundaries, get some.

Why are you so adverse to therapy?

Has it been beneficial for you?

[Anonymous]

I confronted her, she kept on lying about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.


Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

So? You really want to risk your DH’s life and career and your kids public embarrassment bc of whatever you think confronting the OW will accomplish? Grow up, or save it for reality TV.

Do you catastrophize on a regular basis? You should get therapy for that.

Uh, this is very typical fallout from a discovered and publicized affair. Maybe not getting shot but the rest yes. You want to put your private life on a billboard be my guest but more people than not handle this privately.

No it’s not. The vast majority of affairs revealed have no impact on life, career, or public standing. Especially for men. You fantasy world is not reality, which is a common theme for people who engage in affairs.

There are therapists that can help you get out of that destructive way of thinking.

How is talking to the AP or sending her spouse a email/personal phone call making it public? No more than when AP was “talking” to BS’ husband in a hotel room. Neither is public.

The same drama these APs who suffer from histrionic personality disorder display in their responses here, e.g., murder, job loss, public humiliation, blah blah. Everything is the most extreme situation. You can maturely address the party involved without involving your children or anyone’s work place for crying out loud. It’s such a weird double standard. I can cheat, blow your husband but you can’t confront me about it. How was all those meetings in the back of a car or hotel room not worse than the spouse calling an AP? Good lord.