Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

You’re not supposed to think anything but there sure are times when I wish DH didn’t make so much money!

And somebody who works and who values paid work is going to respect somebody who works for 100K more than somebody who makes no money. Look at the people on this board. People who make 60K think they are somehow better than I am.

But you’re right, risk can be mitigated and I think that in spite of the intensity we see from both sides of this debate, there are far fewer really bad ways to go than people would have you believe.

[Anonymous]

women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

That is not true. Higher earner men have zero fear of divorce in middle age. They can afford a new family. ExW will be completed lonely and poor if she didn't work or wasn't smart to have smart investments during marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

This sounds completely crazy and like a black swan event. Most people don’t have offshore accounts and wouldn’t liquidate a 401k for the tax consequence.

You obviously had a terrible lawyer if your husband was able to remove $150k a month from joint accounts for 2 years. There is legal action you can take to stop him doing that.

OP should know if she’s married to someone with borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

That is not true. Higher earner men have zero fear of divorce in middle age. They can afford a new family. ExW will be completed lonely and poor if she didn't work or wasn't smart to have smart investments during marriage

Huh? Most high earning men don’t want share custody of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

Were you watching the money and why didn't you empty out the accounts too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

That is not true. Higher earner men have zero fear of divorce in middle age. They can afford a new family. ExW will be completed lonely and poor if she didn't work or wasn't smart to have smart investments during marriage

Huh? Most high earning men don’t want share custody of children.

Or, many do and it's only a new trend to get 50/50 and it's only in some states. Even if mom cheats and leaves the marriage often she still gets full custody, alimony and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

+1000000

I’m part of a 600k HHI and we mostly need my income. My husband is earning about 400k of it.

I can’t imagine my husband making millions a year but me to continue this 200k job under the slim chance he decides to divorce me. Life is short and I don’t get a lot of joy from working. I don’t dislike it but I enjoy traveling and hobbies way more. How sad would that be to miss out on ski trips out west just so I can continue a paper pushing job so my husband doesn’t leave me and our kids destitute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post has reinforced why I still work despite DH making $1m+ most years. To me, taking a less demanding but still professional job has been a good compromise as I still have some time for family. It is nice to have stayed off partner track at my firm and more or less coast for many years at 40 hours a week, most of which I work from home. I think I could ramp up, build a bigger client base and become partner in the course of a few years at any point. Really glad I never quit. It's allowed me to fund my own 401k, brokerage account and 529 accounts that I control. Sure, they're marital property, but I control them in the event of death or divorce, and to me, that is huge. I also have enough income to support myself if anything goes wrong. I definitely could not afford our current lifestyle, but downsizing to a cozier house and giving up some memberships wouldn't have a big impact on my quality of life. My advice to OP and others is to create a career that works for this life stage rather than abandon it entirely.

Some times for family? You make your family sound like a hobby.

The kid are raised by the staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

That is not true. Higher earner men have zero fear of divorce in middle age. They can afford a new family. ExW will be completed lonely and poor if she didn't work or wasn't smart to have smart investments during marriage

Huh? Most high earning men don’t want share custody of children.

Or, many do and it's only a new trend to get 50/50 and it's only in some states. Even if mom cheats and leaves the marriage often she still gets full custody, alimony and child support.

Right. Most men don’t want to give up 50% access to their kids. Or 100% or whatever percentage they lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

Were you watching the money and why didn't you empty out the accounts too?

Because these were HIS corporate accounts, with him a primary earner and control person. He simply moved funds to another account (separate) then invested into an LLC in Liechtenstein. Good luck litigating. He was wealthy enough not to worry about his taxes on 401k cash-out, but angry enough not to allow me having a cushy annuity as long as he's alive. I got most of the US real estate, as the value of what he moved in cash was partially applied to my equity in RE, and I did have a very good DC attorney. No you're wrong - the court won't freeze accounts: if he says its for business purposes or other valid purposes he has full control to move anywhere he wants. At least in DC. I consulted at that time with top 10 attorneys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

This sounds completely crazy and like a black swan event. Most people don’t have offshore accounts and wouldn’t liquidate a 401k for the tax consequence.

You obviously had a terrible lawyer if your husband was able to remove $150k a month from joint accounts for 2 years. There is legal action you can take to stop him doing that.

OP should know if she’s married to someone with borderline personality disorder.

LOL - most people making over $1mm/year DO have offshore accounts.You are delusional or just don't know what your husband does with finances. At that income bracket you can't minimize taxes without the offshore accounts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good comments, thank you.

While I think the point about a power differential is a good one, what is overlooked is that the differential can exist even if I continue working. There is no man making 2M+ who cares about his wife’s 100K job FOR THE MONEY. He might respect her drive and her accomplishments (as my DH does) but if he saw it as “his” money vs “mine” (he does not and very much regards it as “ours”) the power difference would still be there FOR SURE. An income of 100k, especially after taxes, is basically nothing relative to 2M+.

Also to those who say it’s better to “earn equally and contribute equally”: I used to feel the same way, and not that long ago (when we first got married) we DID earn pretty equally. But now we don’t. Am I supposed to wish he didn't make so much money? Or is he actually supposed to change career paths to be on the same lower footing as I am? None of that would make sense to me (and I cannot imagine a man asking a woman to make less money so they remained equal!!)

There is definitely nothing as secure as remaining employed. But it is feeling as if the risk can be mitigated with some smart decision making.

OP, where does his income go? Do you have access/equal rights to the accounts? Do you have investments/RE/own solo 401k beside liquid accounts? Hate to repeat that, but while I was waiting for divorce to be finalized, my exH emptied all joint accounts (at a rate of $150k/month for 2 years!). He also cashed his 401k (his company allowed to take lumpsum at certain age) and move it abroad as well.I only got a good settlement because we had a lot of RE (so I've got higher equity in RE).

If there are no joint illiquid assets in the US, you're screwed. Insurance beneficiaries, 401k under his control, college accounts - in a bitter divorce it will all evaporate. High earner men are also very vile during divorce, they fight fiercely to ensure you get nothing. My ex lost himself on cashing his 401k, but he still did it so I wouldn't get half of annuity.

This sounds completely crazy and like a black swan event. Most people don’t have offshore accounts and wouldn’t liquidate a 401k for the tax consequence.

You obviously had a terrible lawyer if your husband was able to remove $150k a month from joint accounts for 2 years. There is legal action you can take to stop him doing that.

OP should know if she’s married to someone with borderline personality disorder.

I would think it's a book worthy story if it wasn't my own divorce experience. Believe me, any non-working woman should have something tangible she has an easy claim and title to here in the US. In Muslim world the wife wears her diamonds: she can simply sell them if he kicks her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:women file for divorce 80 - 90% of the time which indicates that men are not the ones who predominantly leave the marriage.
If you are concerned about his "leaving" you then your risk is relatively low. You are more likely to leave the marriage than he is.
If he is making 2+ million a year, then the child support will be significant and you will get 50% of all marital assests.
This looks like low risk-high-reward in your favor to me. In other words, his labor results in community property that you, through no-fault divorce, can take 50% at any time.
Also at 2+ million a year, you will not be doing any significant house work because you can hire cleaners.

You are worried for nothing. He, on the other hand, should be scared out of his mind.

+1000000

I’m part of a 600k HHI and we mostly need my income. My husband is earning about 400k of it.

I can’t imagine my husband making millions a year but me to continue this 200k job under the slim chance he decides to divorce me. Life is short and I don’t get a lot of joy from working. I don’t dislike it but I enjoy traveling and hobbies way more. How sad would that be to miss out on ski trips out west just so I can continue a paper pushing job so my husband doesn’t leave me and our kids destitute?

If ski slopes are more important to you than 30% chance of being potentially destitute in retirement and kids not having college education (yes, college accounts under husband control are easily emptied, too) then indeed you can stay home. I regret not having an easy paper pushing job (remote preferably so I could still enjoy traveling).