How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP's close friend of many years offers to help at her daughter's wedding. She gets a better offer apparently and ignores the original RSVP altogether. She caves when OP is honest about her disappointment. She waffles again and confuses OP about the whole situation. She eventually tries to blame her husband for her final decision (nice). Maybe the OP was a little harsh - whatever. Weddings are stressful (even your daughter's wedding) and situations like this pile on. OP, I'm sorry. Your friend did not handle this well and your reaction was understandable. It makes me think that she has probably done things like this before. Please drop it. Enjoy the experience with your three friends who will be there and congratulations to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

Quite probably, but it is the right way to handle the conflict. What was "Sue" planning to do, just not RSVP and not show up? Eventually OP was going to find out, why not at least try to explain the situation and take the high road.

Right? The whole no-RSVP/trying to ignore the situation is so weird and really the most infuriating part of the whole story. Every friend has a flake, but this is so strange.

It quite clearly shows that Sue is afraid of OP. Sounds like OP is used to setting the tone and temperature of every interaction, is a known bean-counter, and sucks the energy out of the room. OP has gotten her way, gotten attention, has enjoyed all the benefits of being Queen Bee…but guess what? When you set up a dynamic like that, your friends become afraid of upsetting you or having conflict with you, because they know you aren’t a mature, trustworthy, reasonable person.

Want your friends to be forthright in real-time? Don’t intimidate, bully, judge, and run the show at all times.

Whoa. This is a reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's close friend of many years offers to help at her daughter's wedding. She gets a better offer apparently and ignores the original RSVP altogether. She caves when OP is honest about her disappointment. She waffles again and confuses OP about the whole situation. She eventually tries to blame her husband for her final decision (nice). Maybe the OP was a little harsh - whatever. Weddings are stressful (even your daughter's wedding) and situations like this pile on. OP, I'm sorry. Your friend did not handle this well and your reaction was understandable. It makes me think that she has probably done things like this before. Please drop it. Enjoy the experience with your three friends who will be there and congratulations to your daughter.

We don't know the nature of the "help" the friend offered. If it was shopping for a dress for OP and putting together favors, she could do that while still attending the other wedding.

[Anonymous]

Does DD care if she’s there? It’s her wedding, not like your friend of 20 years is bailing on YOUR big day (unless you see your child’s big day as your moment, in which case, seek therapy).

[Anonymous]

Interesting that OP says it's a non-drama friendship. But I wold guess that "Sue" knew OP would explode over this, was trying to figure out a solution, only to have OP explode.

I think OP is the drama queen, and doesn't realize it. She certainly sounds like it.

[Anonymous]

Sue and her husband made a choice. Sorry you disagree and feel you have more say than either of them on what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's close friend of many years offers to help at her daughter's wedding. She gets a better offer apparently and ignores the original RSVP altogether. She caves when OP is honest about her disappointment. She waffles again and confuses OP about the whole situation. She eventually tries to blame her husband for her final decision (nice). Maybe the OP was a little harsh - whatever. Weddings are stressful (even your daughter's wedding) and situations like this pile on. OP, I'm sorry. Your friend did not handle this well and your reaction was understandable. It makes me think that she has probably done things like this before. Please drop it. Enjoy the experience with your three friends who will be there and congratulations to your daughter.

We don't know the nature of the "help" the friend offered. If it was shopping for a dress for OP and putting together favors, she could do that while still attending the other wedding.

Of course she can help and attend the other wedding, but she never told OP (a close friend of 20 years) that she wasn't going to the daughter's wedding until she was pressed to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's close friend of many years offers to help at her daughter's wedding. She gets a better offer apparently and ignores the original RSVP altogether. She caves when OP is honest about her disappointment. She waffles again and confuses OP about the whole situation. She eventually tries to blame her husband for her final decision (nice). Maybe the OP was a little harsh - whatever. Weddings are stressful (even your daughter's wedding) and situations like this pile on. OP, I'm sorry. Your friend did not handle this well and your reaction was understandable. It makes me think that she has probably done things like this before. Please drop it. Enjoy the experience with your three friends who will be there and congratulations to your daughter.

We don't know the nature of the "help" the friend offered. If it was shopping for a dress for OP and putting together favors, she could do that while still attending the other wedding.

Of course she can help and attend the other wedding, but she never told OP (a close friend of 20 years) that she wasn't going to the daughter's wedding until she was pressed to do so.

I think it was pretty clear from what OP shared that her friend was afraid of sending the RSVP because she knew how OP would respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that OP says it's a non-drama friendship. But I wold guess that "Sue" knew OP would explode over this, was trying to figure out a solution, only to have OP explode.

I think OP is the drama queen, and doesn't realize it. She certainly sounds like it.

I think "Sue" realized what she wanted to do was super sh*%y and didn't have the balls to tell her friend. Nothing OP posted sounded overly dramatic to me. Sometimes friends do egregious things that deserve a reaction that's more than, "Oh ok thanks for letting me know." What "Sue" did was odd and rude and OP's reaction really wasn't over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that OP says it's a non-drama friendship. But I wold guess that "Sue" knew OP would explode over this, was trying to figure out a solution, only to have OP explode.

I think OP is the drama queen, and doesn't realize it. She certainly sounds like it.

I think "Sue" realized what she wanted to do was super sh*%y and didn't have the balls to tell her friend. Nothing OP posted sounded overly dramatic to me. Sometimes friends do egregious things that deserve a reaction that's more than, "Oh ok thanks for letting me know." What "Sue" did was odd and rude and OP's reaction really wasn't over the top.

“Seriously?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's close friend of many years offers to help at her daughter's wedding. She gets a better offer apparently and ignores the original RSVP altogether. She caves when OP is honest about her disappointment. She waffles again and confuses OP about the whole situation. She eventually tries to blame her husband for her final decision (nice). Maybe the OP was a little harsh - whatever. Weddings are stressful (even your daughter's wedding) and situations like this pile on. OP, I'm sorry. Your friend did not handle this well and your reaction was understandable. It makes me think that she has probably done things like this before. Please drop it. Enjoy the experience with your three friends who will be there and congratulations to your daughter.

We don't know the nature of the "help" the friend offered. If it was shopping for a dress for OP and putting together favors, she could do that while still attending the other wedding.

Of course she can help and attend the other wedding, but she never told OP (a close friend of 20 years) that she wasn't going to the daughter's wedding until she was pressed to do so.

I think it was pretty clear from what OP shared that her friend was afraid of sending the RSVP because she knew how OP would respond.

I didn't read it that way at all. Maybe I missed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that OP says it's a non-drama friendship. But I wold guess that "Sue" knew OP would explode over this, was trying to figure out a solution, only to have OP explode.

I think OP is the drama queen, and doesn't realize it. She certainly sounds like it.

I think "Sue" realized what she wanted to do was super sh*%y and didn't have the balls to tell her friend. Nothing OP posted sounded overly dramatic to me. Sometimes friends do egregious things that deserve a reaction that's more than, "Oh ok thanks for letting me know." What "Sue" did was odd and rude and OP's reaction really wasn't over the top.

“Seriously?”

The "seriously" was from all the waffling on the friend's part. That's how I read that. As in seriously we're still talking about this? Can you just sh&t or get off the pot please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

Can we stop calling women who stand up for themselves when they've been wronged narcissists, please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.

I agree with you, but narcissists tend to see things differently.

Can we stop calling women who stand up for themselves when they've been wronged narcissists, please?

When someone declines an invitation, they are not “wronging” you.