Reply to Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you are a big part of the problem here.  Let's go through what you posted about your relationship.

In your original post, you say that you two had only "some small talks" about issues like how much to spend on a house and when/whether she would stop working to be a SAHP, and then stated that she went back on the decisions you supposedly made during these "small talks."  In your next post, "some small talks" suddenly became "many long talks."  In 20 minutes, you had already rewritten the history of your relationship on these issues to better fit your narrative.

On the housing issue, you have a gap in your preferred budget based on what you're looking for in a house.  Did you two even talk about why you have different preferences and whether there is a compromise point?  On thing you mentioned was number of bedrooms.  Let's say you plan to have two kids, right there you need three bedrooms unless you're planning to have kids share (which may or may not work out beyond the first couple of years).  If your families aren't local she may also want a guest bedroom so your families (and friends) feels welcome to visit.  So right there you're up to 4 bedrooms minimum.  If she also thinks there should be a home office because working from home during the pandemic has made clear to her that working from the dining room table isn't a great option (which is not unreasonable if you can afford it), then you're up to 5 bedrooms.  An open conversation about the reasons behind each of your housing preferences, and a willingness on both of your parts to compromise, might have resolved the issue without major conflict.

Rather than trying to talk through these issues in a meaningful way like adults, in only a few short weeks you jumped to questioning the relationship, wanting to put the engagement on hold, and suggesting counseling to convince her she is wrong in her preferences.  Her initial response was to go along with what you wanted to try to work things out.  Then once she had a few hours to really think it through on her own, she realized she's not sure she wants to spend her life with someone who is feeling ambivalent about marrying her and talking about ending the relationship only a few weeks after getting engaged over some differences of opinion that probably could have been worked out with some open discussion and willingness to compromise.  Of course she's rethinking whether this relationship is right for her or not.  But rather than give her a little space to process the bomb you dropped on her, your impulse was to demand the ring back, which meant you were effectively ending the relationship right then.

At every step, you have thrown all the blame for this situation on your ex without ever examining your own role in how things went down.  I mean really, in your post about how you share finances, you completely dismissed the fact that she still had to pay rent on her old apartment after you moved in together, in addition to buying groceries for both of you and "stuff for the house," which are all significant expenses for her cover as part of moving in together that you blow off as insignificant because it doesn't fit your victim narrative.  You claim you love her and want to marry her, but you are the one freaked out and ended the relationship right after getting engaged.  The lack of self-awareness is astounding.

And really, I question how much you actually loved her, as opposed to how she made you feel about yourself.  For someone who is insecure and lacking self-esteem, having someone else love you and see you as valuable can be a very heady thing.  But a marriage cannot be based on her making you feel better about yourself.  It also has to be about you valuing her for who she is as her own person, and valuing her happiness and well-being as much as your own.  You don't sounds ready to put a partner's needs and preferences on the same level as your own, which means you're not ready for marriage.

Ultimately none of us have any clue what kind of person she is, because all we have is your self-serving narrative.  But what is clear from your posts is that, no matter what kind of person she is, this relationship was never going to work out in the long run because you are not mentally and emotionally prepared for marriage, and have a lot of work to do on yourself before you will be.  [/quote]

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