Where can I meet a 38+ guy that I’d actually be into dating?

[Anonymous]

Well, I got to this thread a bit late, but a few random observations.

There are asymmetries in dating. Women tend to want a guy their height or taller, men tend to prefer the opposite. Does this actually -matter- in a relationship, no, but on average this is what people want and consequently tall women and short men find they are operating from a smaller pool of dating candidates.

Men (on average) value physical attractiveness, which correlates strongly with youth, far more highly than women. Women care about a man's income/success/status far more than men. Similarly, men are open to dating their age or potentially significantly younger while women tend toward the reverse.

Imagine two 25 year olds, one man, one woman, both making $50k at a non-profit, both physically attractive. The woman could choose to date her male equivalent, but can also easily choose to date a huge range of higher earning more "successful" guys her age and much older.


OP's male equivalent (a fairly attractive upper-30s+ guy earning 250k+) would be perfectly happy dating a 25 year old marine biologist making $50k at some save the whales non-profit and wouldn't give a moment's thought to paying her way on a vacation somewhere or taking her out to dinner, or whatever.



Guys in their 20s are relatively rarely successful and/or high earners. As you start talking about guys in their 40s and up you start seeing significantly more guys that could be described as such.

Meanwhile women in their 20s that are quite attractive are relatively common, but women that could be fairly called attractive in their 40s or 50s are few. (I am not talking about a "pretty" face here, I mean looking good in a two-piece bathing suit without anything wrapped around your waist.)


OP says she is attractive, but even if we assume that is true, she has limited her search to attractive high earning guys who want to date a divorced mom in her 30s. So... good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp. You just called another human trash for being divorced.

My ex husband was a football player. I married him 20 years ago before we knew about CTE. He started to drink, rage and threaten me physically after abusing me emotionally and financially for years.

I said my vows, I meant my vows, and I received an abusive partner who was sick, but sick in ways that the world cant see until after death. I divorced to protect my children and have primary custody.I wrote the above about choices being empowering. I dont care if you think I'm trash. I was handed a hard thing and I made the best of it, with my kids as my priority 100% of the way.

Nope! I called her trash for knowingly making vows to another person that she knew, for sure, T the time that she did not mean.

Anyone who goes in with the pure intention to keep their vows but ends up divorced is just...divorces. That's fine. That's life.

But if you know you don't mean the vows and you get married anyway, knowing you are lying and likely going to ruin someone's life and tear up a family, you're trash. You are mocking the very institution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posters super invested in the idea that second marriages are doomed must be people in truly miserable marriages who have to convince themselves or their spouse to stick it out.

Personally, I’d rather be twice divorced and happy than married once and miserable until one of us dies.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters super invested in the idea that second marriages are doomed must be people in truly miserable marriages who have to convince themselves or their spouse to stick it out.

Personally, I’d rather be twice divorced and happy than married once and miserable until one of us dies.

Amen.

“I promise to love you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and FOR REALSIES. This time, I swear, I mean it. I mean, I know I swore it last time, but THIS time, for real for real.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really awesome to run into you OP, and the other women here like you/us.

Its funny to watch people to get all twisted up in outrage when women who have been told "no one will want you or your brat kids" or, "you'll be traded in for a younger model" forever on this board flip the script.

Folks, not only are women like this around, but there are plenty of us. We have had our kids, we have our own money, and as a bunch, statistics show we have much richer community/friend relationships and hobbies than our married female counterparts, or our single male counterparts. Thanks to my every other weekend ex, I have tons of time to learn grow and explore, and I use it well. I'm not lonely as I have primary custody of three teens, they are fun and funny and we are a great team.

We can afford to be selective and make our dating pool small, because we don't need you anymore, men. If one of you comes along who can make our world better, great! Lets go. I cannot wait to find a man who can bring like or similar things to the table as I can. I know they exist and I know they are rare, and there is no alternative for me but to wait as I wont settle again.

Women like us have been given choices, and with those choices more and more women are choosing to enjoy their rich full lives and their disposable income WITHOUT a man, rather than to take whatever sad sack man offered himself up to us in middle age.

Choices are empowering.

Slow clap.

So when you do get married again, are you going to add "this time, for real" to your vows?

This is so rude. I was unsure of marriage. I did not want to go through with it. I did anyway. There were no vows.

You said vows of lifelong fidelity and companionship and family you didn't mean to another human being, and I'M rude? GTFO.

"There were no vows?" Yes, actually, there were, even if it was just courthouse legalese. You are trash.

WOW. You are crazy. Many, many people are pressured into getting married. You must have have been raised traditionally. Many of these bad marriages last and you think there is some award for it. Unbelievable. Marriage is always a risk. It is not 100% whether there are vows said or not. Many people get to an age where they feel like they "should" or everyone says they "should"--especially for women. You are out of touch with how a lot of women are raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters super invested in the idea that second marriages are doomed must be people in truly miserable marriages who have to convince themselves or their spouse to stick it out.

Personally, I’d rather be twice divorced and happy than married once and miserable until one of us dies.

Amen.

“I promise to love you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and FOR REALSIES. This time, I swear, I mean it. I mean, I know I swore it last time, but THIS time, for real for real.”

Get over yourself. Not everything works according to plan. Not everyone is showing their true colors at the altar. People sign up for things and then the person can do a complete 180. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters super invested in the idea that second marriages are doomed must be people in truly miserable marriages who have to convince themselves or their spouse to stick it out.

Personally, I’d rather be twice divorced and happy than married once and miserable until one of us dies.

Amen.

“I promise to love you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and FOR REALSIES. This time, I swear, I mean it. I mean, I know I swore it last time, but THIS time, for real for real.”

I meant it the first time. My first husband didn’t and began abusing me. Do you really think staying would have been good for my daughters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp. You just called another human trash for being divorced.

My ex husband was a football player. I married him 20 years ago before we knew about CTE. He started to drink, rage and threaten me physically after abusing me emotionally and financially for years.

I said my vows, I meant my vows, and I received an abusive partner who was sick, but sick in ways that the world cant see until after death. I divorced to protect my children and have primary custody.I wrote the above about choices being empowering. I dont care if you think I'm trash. I was handed a hard thing and I made the best of it, with my kids as my priority 100% of the way.

Nope! I called her trash for knowingly making vows to another person that she knew, for sure, T the time that she did not mean.

Anyone who goes in with the pure intention to keep their vows but ends up divorced is just...divorces. That's fine. That's life.

But if you know you don't mean the vows and you get married anyway, knowing you are lying and likely going to ruin someone's life and tear up a family, you're trash. You are mocking the very institution.

BTW, I intended to stay married despite being miserable. You have no idea how bad it became. I had to leave. I never intended to "ruin" someone's life. In fact, he ruined mine. He turned out to be the opposite of the preson he pretended to be. That hesitation was my inner voice knowing something was truly off...I just could not see it yet. You are a horrible person making such terrible comments when you are just making huge assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters super invested in the idea that second marriages are doomed must be people in truly miserable marriages who have to convince themselves or their spouse to stick it out.

Personally, I’d rather be twice divorced and happy than married once and miserable until one of us dies.

Amen.

“I promise to love you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and FOR REALSIES. This time, I swear, I mean it. I mean, I know I swore it last time, but THIS time, for real for real.”

I meant it the first time. My first husband didn’t and began abusing me. Do you really think staying would have been good for my daughters?

And I’m not 09:33. Marital abuse is more common than people want to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp. You just called another human trash for being divorced.

My ex husband was a football player. I married him 20 years ago before we knew about CTE. He started to drink, rage and threaten me physically after abusing me emotionally and financially for years.

I said my vows, I meant my vows, and I received an abusive partner who was sick, but sick in ways that the world cant see until after death. I divorced to protect my children and have primary custody.I wrote the above about choices being empowering. I dont care if you think I'm trash. I was handed a hard thing and I made the best of it, with my kids as my priority 100% of the way.

Nope! I called her trash for knowingly making vows to another person that she knew, for sure, T the time that she did not mean.

Anyone who goes in with the pure intention to keep their vows but ends up divorced is just...divorces. That's fine. That's life.

But if you know you don't mean the vows and you get married anyway, knowing you are lying and likely going to ruin someone's life and tear up a family, you're trash. You are mocking the very institution.

BTW, I intended to stay married despite being miserable. You have no idea how bad it became. I had to leave. I never intended to "ruin" someone's life. In fact, he ruined mine. He turned out to be the opposite of the preson he pretended to be. That hesitation was my inner voice knowing something was truly off...I just could not see it yet. You are a horrible person making such terrible comments when you are just making huge assumptions.

Nope! This is what you said (if this wasn’t you, then I’m NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU):

“This is so rude. I was unsure of marriage. I did not want to go through with it. I did anyway. There were no vows.”

I did not want to go through with it; I did anyway. That is not “oh there was some nagging feeling I couldn’t quite place.” Nope, that was clear as day. I DID ANYWAY. That’s a choice, right there. Eyes open.

“There were no vows”? What the eff does THAT mean? Even if you are in a courthouse, there are vows. Whether they are simply legal, or legal and spiritual, there is no such thing as a marriage with no vows.

And if you make a vow knowing you don’t mean it, you are trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who make 250k plus don’t want to marry a divorced mother of two. Sure there might be a few exceptions, but the universe of men who meet OPs requirements is vanishingly small, and out of those men the ones willing to be serious with her might as well be zero. OP needs to either lower her standards or start accumulating cats.

Normal men want women their own age and in similar places in life. It’s actually the rare guy chasing a childless 20 something woman to launch a second family.

When a single guy with $250k+ is chasing childless 20 somethings it's for sex, not for having a family.

What kind of 20 something wants to have casual sex with a divorced dad pushing 40 cruising around Vienna, VA in his 2015 350i? It’s a really weird trope on this board, that this is something 25 yr old girls want. 25 yr old girls want 25 yr old guys.

It's most definitely not just a "weird trope on this board." I met my second wife when I was 32 and she was 24. This pew research article indicates that 38% of remarried men have a wife at least 6 years younger than them, with a huge 20% at more than 10 years younger. More remarried women actually have older spouses than younger. In addition, men between 45 and 64 have twice the remarriage rate as women (i.e. - divorced women of that age are twice as likely to remain unmarried).

Second marriages have a >50% divorce rate. These are not quality, long-lasting relationships.

The Marriage Foundation think-tank has produced a report revealing that second marriages are more stable than first marriages, challenging the widely held belief that couples who remarry are doomed to repeat the mistakes from their first marriage.

Almost half – 45 per cent – of all couples who marry for the first time in 2013 will divorce during their lifetime. However, divorced couples who marry for the second time have only a 31% chance of their marriage ending in divorce, according to Harry Benson, Communications Director at The Marriage Foundation and author of the report.

https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/

NP. That's great and all, and good for them, but what about their kids? They had to go through the trauma of divorce, and now have to endure complex family dynamics and split-holiday logistics, which only gets more complex when they get married. Oh great, stepmom is mad that we won't be there for Thanksgiving, and my new MIL expects us to be at her house. Fun times.

My kids have been very happy in our blended family because DH and I have prioritized the kids. I negotiated a holiday schedule during my divorce and we have stuck with it. No hard feelings and much easier on all of us than the tense holidays during my first marriage when I was physically ill over having to pretend we were happy (or that any of the marriages at that table were happy). DC’s Cousin’s don’t even come for Thanksgiving anymore and they are only in their 20s because they can’t stand their parents faking that they love each other.

You can tell yourself that all you want, but your kids have gone to sleep crying for mommy or daddy. And at one point or another, they did wonder if it was their fault. Adults like to downplay the trauma divorce has on their kids to avoid feeling guilty.

You are ridiculous, my kids absolutely have not. My eldest testified against my first H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really awesome to run into you OP, and the other women here like you/us.

Its funny to watch people to get all twisted up in outrage when women who have been told "no one will want you or your brat kids" or, "you'll be traded in for a younger model" forever on this board flip the script.

Folks, not only are women like this around, but there are plenty of us. We have had our kids, we have our own money, and as a bunch, statistics show we have much richer community/friend relationships and hobbies than our married female counterparts, or our single male counterparts. Thanks to my every other weekend ex, I have tons of time to learn grow and explore, and I use it well. I'm not lonely as I have primary custody of three teens, they are fun and funny and we are a great team.

We can afford to be selective and make our dating pool small, because we don't need you anymore, men. If one of you comes along who can make our world better, great! Lets go. I cannot wait to find a man who can bring like or similar things to the table as I can. I know they exist and I know they are rare, and there is no alternative for me but to wait as I wont settle again.

Women like us have been given choices, and with those choices more and more women are choosing to enjoy their rich full lives and their disposable income WITHOUT a man, rather than to take whatever sad sack man offered himself up to us in middle age.

Choices are empowering.

Slow clap.

So when you do get married again, are you going to add "this time, for real" to your vows?

This is so rude. I was unsure of marriage. I did not want to go through with it. I did anyway. There were no vows.

You said vows of lifelong fidelity and companionship and family you didn't mean to another human being, and I'M rude? GTFO.

"There were no vows?" Yes, actually, there were, even if it was just courthouse legalese. You are trash.

WOW. You are crazy. Many, many people are pressured into getting married. You must have have been raised traditionally. Many of these bad marriages last and you think there is some award for it. Unbelievable. Marriage is always a risk. It is not 100% whether there are vows said or not. Many people get to an age where they feel like they "should" or everyone says they "should"--especially for women. You are out of touch with how a lot of women are raised.

PP seems to have a screw loose. You can’t rationalize with a crazy person, so don’t even bother. The people who are trash are those who judge others. I can’t imagine being in a marriage, even a great one, where you feel like you are stuck forever no matter what happens is a good feeling. I have no intention of getting divorced, but I breathe easier knowing if DH suddenly turned into an a super/alcoholic/cheater, I wouldn’t be stuck. These things happen every day to people who think they’ll never happen to them. Just read these boards and you’ll see such stories!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who make 250k plus don’t want to marry a divorced mother of two. Sure there might be a few exceptions, but the universe of men who meet OPs requirements is vanishingly small, and out of those men the ones willing to be serious with her might as well be zero. OP needs to either lower her standards or start accumulating cats.

Normal men want women their own age and in similar places in life. It’s actually the rare guy chasing a childless 20 something woman to launch a second family.

When a single guy with $250k+ is chasing childless 20 somethings it's for sex, not for having a family.

What kind of 20 something wants to have casual sex with a divorced dad pushing 40 cruising around Vienna, VA in his 2015 350i? It’s a really weird trope on this board, that this is something 25 yr old girls want. 25 yr old girls want 25 yr old guys.

It's most definitely not just a "weird trope on this board." I met my second wife when I was 32 and she was 24. This pew research article indicates that 38% of remarried men have a wife at least 6 years younger than them, with a huge 20% at more than 10 years younger. More remarried women actually have older spouses than younger. In addition, men between 45 and 64 have twice the remarriage rate as women (i.e. - divorced women of that age are twice as likely to remain unmarried).

Second marriages have a >50% divorce rate. These are not quality, long-lasting relationships.

The Marriage Foundation think-tank has produced a report revealing that second marriages are more stable than first marriages, challenging the widely held belief that couples who remarry are doomed to repeat the mistakes from their first marriage.

Almost half – 45 per cent – of all couples who marry for the first time in 2013 will divorce during their lifetime. However, divorced couples who marry for the second time have only a 31% chance of their marriage ending in divorce, according to Harry Benson, Communications Director at The Marriage Foundation and author of the report.

https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/

NP. That's great and all, and good for them, but what about their kids? They had to go through the trauma of divorce, and now have to endure complex family dynamics and split-holiday logistics, which only gets more complex when they get married. Oh great, stepmom is mad that we won't be there for Thanksgiving, and my new MIL expects us to be at her house. Fun times.

My kids have been very happy in our blended family because DH and I have prioritized the kids. I negotiated a holiday schedule during my divorce and we have stuck with it. No hard feelings and much easier on all of us than the tense holidays during my first marriage when I was physically ill over having to pretend we were happy (or that any of the marriages at that table were happy). DC’s Cousin’s don’t even come for Thanksgiving anymore and they are only in their 20s because they can’t stand their parents faking that they love each other.

You can tell yourself that all you want, but your kids have gone to sleep crying for mommy or daddy. And at one point or another, they did wonder if it was their fault. Adults like to downplay the trauma divorce has on their kids to avoid feeling guilty.

You are ridiculous, my kids absolutely have not. My eldest testified against my first H.

Why did you marry someone who had to be testified against?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really awesome to run into you OP, and the other women here like you/us.

Its funny to watch people to get all twisted up in outrage when women who have been told "no one will want you or your brat kids" or, "you'll be traded in for a younger model" forever on this board flip the script.

Folks, not only are women like this around, but there are plenty of us. We have had our kids, we have our own money, and as a bunch, statistics show we have much richer community/friend relationships and hobbies than our married female counterparts, or our single male counterparts. Thanks to my every other weekend ex, I have tons of time to learn grow and explore, and I use it well. I'm not lonely as I have primary custody of three teens, they are fun and funny and we are a great team.

We can afford to be selective and make our dating pool small, because we don't need you anymore, men. If one of you comes along who can make our world better, great! Lets go. I cannot wait to find a man who can bring like or similar things to the table as I can. I know they exist and I know they are rare, and there is no alternative for me but to wait as I wont settle again.

Women like us have been given choices, and with those choices more and more women are choosing to enjoy their rich full lives and their disposable income WITHOUT a man, rather than to take whatever sad sack man offered himself up to us in middle age.

Choices are empowering.

Slow clap.

So when you do get married again, are you going to add "this time, for real" to your vows?

This is so rude. I was unsure of marriage. I did not want to go through with it. I did anyway. There were no vows.

You said vows of lifelong fidelity and companionship and family you didn't mean to another human being, and I'M rude? GTFO.

"There were no vows?" Yes, actually, there were, even if it was just courthouse legalese. You are trash.

WOW. You are crazy. Many, many people are pressured into getting married. You must have have been raised traditionally. Many of these bad marriages last and you think there is some award for it. Unbelievable. Marriage is always a risk. It is not 100% whether there are vows said or not. Many people get to an age where they feel like they "should" or everyone says they "should"--especially for women. You are out of touch with how a lot of women are raised.

PP seems to have a screw loose. You can’t rationalize with a crazy person, so don’t even bother. The people who are trash are those who judge others. I can’t imagine being in a marriage, even a great one, where you feel like you are stuck forever no matter what happens is a good feeling. I have no intention of getting divorced, but I breathe easier knowing if DH suddenly turned into an a super/alcoholic/cheater, I wouldn’t be stuck. These things happen every day to people who think they’ll never happen to them. Just read these boards and you’ll see such stories!

No one is saying you should stay with someone who, say, later in life BECOMES an alcoholic or starts cheating or hitting or whatnot. No one should stay in a bad marriage.

But if you KNEW YOU DIDN’T MEAN THE VOWS WHEN YOU SAID THEM, wow, talk about “having a screw loose.”

And notice that no one has yet attempted to explain what “there were no vows” means. Hmm? Anyone care to justify or rationalize that little phrase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really awesome to run into you OP, and the other women here like you/us.

Its funny to watch people to get all twisted up in outrage when women who have been told "no one will want you or your brat kids" or, "you'll be traded in for a younger model" forever on this board flip the script.

Folks, not only are women like this around, but there are plenty of us. We have had our kids, we have our own money, and as a bunch, statistics show we have much richer community/friend relationships and hobbies than our married female counterparts, or our single male counterparts. Thanks to my every other weekend ex, I have tons of time to learn grow and explore, and I use it well. I'm not lonely as I have primary custody of three teens, they are fun and funny and we are a great team.

We can afford to be selective and make our dating pool small, because we don't need you anymore, men. If one of you comes along who can make our world better, great! Lets go. I cannot wait to find a man who can bring like or similar things to the table as I can. I know they exist and I know they are rare, and there is no alternative for me but to wait as I wont settle again.

Women like us have been given choices, and with those choices more and more women are choosing to enjoy their rich full lives and their disposable income WITHOUT a man, rather than to take whatever sad sack man offered himself up to us in middle age.

Choices are empowering.

Slow clap.

So when you do get married again, are you going to add "this time, for real" to your vows?

This is so rude. I was unsure of marriage. I did not want to go through with it. I did anyway. There were no vows.

You said vows of lifelong fidelity and companionship and family you didn't mean to another human being, and I'M rude? GTFO.

"There were no vows?" Yes, actually, there were, even if it was just courthouse legalese. You are trash.

WOW. You are crazy. Many, many people are pressured into getting married. You must have have been raised traditionally. Many of these bad marriages last and you think there is some award for it. Unbelievable. Marriage is always a risk. It is not 100% whether there are vows said or not. Many people get to an age where they feel like they "should" or everyone says they "should"--especially for women. You are out of touch with how a lot of women are raised.

PP seems to have a screw loose. You can’t rationalize with a crazy person, so don’t even bother. The people who are trash are those who judge others. I can’t imagine being in a marriage, even a great one, where you feel like you are stuck forever no matter what happens is a good feeling. I have no intention of getting divorced, but I breathe easier knowing if DH suddenly turned into an a super/alcoholic/cheater, I wouldn’t be stuck. These things happen every day to people who think they’ll never happen to them. Just read these boards and you’ll see such stories!

No one is saying you should stay with someone who, say, later in life BECOMES an alcoholic or starts cheating or hitting or whatnot. No one should stay in a bad marriage.

But if you KNEW YOU DIDN’T MEAN THE VOWS WHEN YOU SAID THEM, wow, talk about “having a screw loose.”

And notice that no one has yet attempted to explain what “there were no vows” means. Hmm? Anyone care to justify or rationalize that little phrase?

I'm a new poster. I just wanted to say you're embarrassing yourself and should probably go take a xanax or a nap.