Why does my partner pay $2400 a month child support for one kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

I don’t think you’re making a good case for stepmothers here ...

Ok. Can you give me a reason why the failings/manipulations of the mother constantly go unheeded?

unheeded by whom? the court ordered the child support be paid to the mother. you just seem like you can’t stand the fact that she gets to make decisions about what you perceive as your money.

She wants to be the HBIC.

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

You continue to give us a clearer picture of exactly who you are - a controlling, nasty, hateful woman.

^^ I should add that you need to be thanking us. I suspect that your dh doesn't dare go against you in regards to this matter because of the hell he will have to pay. However, he needs to ask for his balls back and tell you to butt out and shut up. Maybe you need to reflect on what numerous people that are likely from very different backgrounds and circumstances are telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i don't know. maybe he wants to make sure his child is taken care of?? you don't want him to pay?

Child support is based off income. Your comments make no sense.

Not always. We didn't go through the courts when we broke up. We weren't married so didn't have to. My ex paid a lot in what we referred to as "child support" but it wasn't formal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If only he were in VA. VA thinks that childcare and raising children in Roanoke and Arlington cost the same.

It’s ridiculous.

No its, not. It goes on time share and income. The custodial parent also has an obligation to financially support the child/ren as well. So, that's not full support, its only Dad's share.

This.

I find that so many people believe that child support is supposed to cover all of a child’s expenses and that’s not true. It’s just a portion. So many times women are disappointed and say they are not getting enough child support when in reality the cost of living and raising a child is higher than then realized and that they will actually need to increase their own income since now they are dependent on a single income.

That wasn't my point. My point was that the state of Virginia treats Arlington and Roanoke the same. If you think that's equitable, fine. VA has the lowest child support rate in the DMV.

Yes, its equitable. Mom can choose to move to a lower cost area if she cannot afford where she is living at. Most things in divorce, custody and child support aren't equitable.

No. Custodial parents can't just choose to up and move with the child. That would make it more difficult for the non custodial parent to have regular visits with the kid.

Roanoke is a nearly 4 hour drive from Arlington. If both mom and dad live in the Arlington area, and dad gets visitation on Tuesday/Thursday nights and every other weekend, his kid moving to Arlington would make the weeknights impossible and the the weekends a lot more difficult.

Thank you for this. As a soon to be divorced custodial parent, it infuriates me when people think I should just “move somewhere cheaper in VA.” If my kids ever want to see their Dad, I have to stay mostly put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

I don’t think you’re making a good case for stepmothers here ...

Ok. Can you give me a reason why the failings/manipulations of the mother constantly go unheeded?

unheeded by whom? the court ordered the child support be paid to the mother. you just seem like you can’t stand the fact that she gets to make decisions about what you perceive as your money.

She wants to be the HBIC.

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

You continue to give us a clearer picture of exactly who you are - a controlling, nasty, hateful woman.

^^ I should add that you need to be thanking us. I suspect that your dh doesn't dare go against you in regards to this matter because of the hell he will have to pay. However, he needs to ask for his balls back and tell you to butt out and shut up. Maybe you need to reflect on what numerous people that are likely from very different backgrounds and circumstances are telling you.

No, no. You have that wrong. The woman who took his balls is the woman who married a man she didn’t love, doubled down by having not one but two kids with him, cheated on him (and her kids - so there’s that), blew up their marriage, raised two spoilt children - and still to this day insists her way is best.

I’ve supported this man in actually taking his life back from her. His kids will come around once they are adults - or they won’t. Life is life, and sometimes it truly sucks. But very little of the blame for this unfortunate situation is actually either his or mine to own.

To that end, once this chapter is over and we are free of her and her influence, we both need to make choices that are in the best interest of our lives together, first and foremost.

I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit well with some of you.

Sorry you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If only he were in VA. VA thinks that childcare and raising children in Roanoke and Arlington cost the same.

It’s ridiculous.

No its, not. It goes on time share and income. The custodial parent also has an obligation to financially support the child/ren as well. So, that's not full support, its only Dad's share.

This.

I find that so many people believe that child support is supposed to cover all of a child’s expenses and that’s not true. It’s just a portion. So many times women are disappointed and say they are not getting enough child support when in reality the cost of living and raising a child is higher than then realized and that they will actually need to increase their own income since now they are dependent on a single income.

That wasn't my point. My point was that the state of Virginia treats Arlington and Roanoke the same. If you think that's equitable, fine. VA has the lowest child support rate in the DMV.

Yes, its equitable. Mom can choose to move to a lower cost area if she cannot afford where she is living at. Most things in divorce, custody and child support aren't equitable.

No. Custodial parents can't just choose to up and move with the child. That would make it more difficult for the non custodial parent to have regular visits with the kid.

Roanoke is a nearly 4 hour drive from Arlington. If both mom and dad live in the Arlington area, and dad gets visitation on Tuesday/Thursday nights and every other weekend, his kid moving to Arlington would make the weeknights impossible and the the weekends a lot more difficult.

Thank you for this. As a soon to be divorced custodial parent, it infuriates me when people think I should just “move somewhere cheaper in VA.” If my kids ever want to see their Dad, I have to stay mostly put.

They can still see their Dad. They can go every long weekend, every holiday and summers. And, other weekends or days off school as well. There are lots of ways to work it out. You really think your kids seeing dad every other weekend is a huge deal. That's 4 days a month. Really, you probably let them see their friends more than dad.

[Anonymous]

You continue to give us a clearer picture of exactly who you are - a controlling, nasty, hateful woman.

^^ I should add that you need to be thanking us. I suspect that your dh doesn't dare go against you in regards to this matter because of the hell he will have to pay. However, he needs to ask for his balls back and tell you to butt out and shut up. Maybe you need to reflect on what numerous people that are likely from very different backgrounds and circumstances are telling you.

No, no. You have that wrong. The woman who took his balls is the woman who married a man she didn’t love, doubled down by having not one but two kids with him, cheated on him (and her kids - so there’s that), blew up their marriage, raised two spoilt children - and still to this day insists her way is best.

I’ve supported this man in actually taking his life back from her. His kids will come around once they are adults - or they won’t. Life is life, and sometimes it truly sucks. But very little of the blame for this unfortunate situation is actually either his or mine to own.

To that end, once this chapter is over and we are free of her and her influence, we both need to make choices that are in the best interest of our lives together, first and foremost.

I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit well with some of you.

Sorry you

Sounds like my husband's ex. Life was so much better when the youngest hit 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not divorced but is this is a normal amount? Or does this mean that the ex wife makes a lot less? Is Child support even owed if you and your Dh make similar income?

sounds like there are big expenses like childcare or tuition.

Not always.

Private school is voluntary except if both parents agree. Child care is until age 5 if the mother/parents work and then before/after school care or camp. There are affortable ways if mom's income is lower. If mom chooses a private school and dad doesn't agree, she should fully pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not divorced but is this is a normal amount? Or does this mean that the ex wife makes a lot less? Is Child support even owed if you and your Dh make similar income?

sounds like there are big expenses like childcare or tuition.

See this is what I don't understand. You know you are getting involved with a divorced man with children, and you expect it to cost him nothing? And you expect to try to control what the ex wife does? It doesn't work like that. And yes, he will be on the hook for tuition. So while you see a paycheck you are marrying - you are conveniently choosing not to see the family that will always be his. Just because a man gets remarried doesn't mean he no longer has that family. He does, like it or not - you can't change that, no matter how much you want to.

[Anonymous]

That's about $553 a week right? Is the kid in daycare? Daycare was a mortgage payment when I had kids in daycare, and that was like a decade ago.

Once the kid is out of daycare he can apply for a modification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

This is what stepmothers like you wanted all along - to have him forget all about his children and pretend that you and your children are his only family. If you encourage your husband to turn his back on his own children when they turn 18 because you don't like their mother, you are a bad person and those children likely sense how you feel about them. In the future when your husband wonders why he isn't invited to college graduations, weddings, baby showers, holiday family gatherings, etc. its because the two of your aren't crap. But you will be there whispering in his ear that his ex turned the ingrates against him and he has done nothing wrong.

Most men aren't involved with their kids because the Mother's make it near impossible. Stop blaming the spouses, when people like you are to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not divorced but is this is a normal amount? Or does this mean that the ex wife makes a lot less? Is Child support even owed if you and your Dh make similar income?

sounds like there are big expenses like childcare or tuition.

See this is what I don't understand. You know you are getting involved with a divorced man with children, and you expect it to cost him nothing? And you expect to try to control what the ex wife does? It doesn't work like that. And yes, he will be on the hook for tuition. So while you see a paycheck you are marrying - you are conveniently choosing not to see the family that will always be his. Just because a man gets remarried doesn't mean he no longer has that family. He does, like it or not - you can't change that, no matter how much you want to.

And when a woman gets divorced, and agrees to 50/50 custody, she should realize that she gets 50% say - not 100%.

And, no, he doesn’t have to be “on the hook” for tuition. Especially if his ex wife wasn’t smart enough to agree that saving for college was a priority whilst they were married. It doesn’t work that way. She gave up a say over what happens to the money he brings in to his household whe she divorced him. State mandated calculations aside, he now gets to set the parameters of how much he is willing to contribute, and what the sideboards are. And if he is remarried, those figures may or may not be what the mother thinks they ought to be. But there is a new house, and a new life - because she bowed out.

You see, there are so many permutations. It isn’t just mom is always right and dad and new wife are always jerks.

[Anonymous]

This thread is a great reason I put college as 50/50 into our agreement. Not enforceable as child support but absolutely enforceable in civil court. Just in case step Mom wants to try to but my child off.

Also all financial aid packets require both parents information so both parents should be contributing to college! I know too many friends and peers where one parent moved on and told them to go screw themselves. Leaving them and their one parent to scramble for loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be glad he supports his child. If this bothers you even a little, this isn’t your scene.

Stepmom here.

Stepmom here, as well - and I’d say it depends.

DH’s ex is completely toxic and overbearing. He never got any say in how his kids were raised when they were married and it didn’t change after the divorce. Her ability to actually co-parent is zero.

In this instance, he is doing the honorable and stand up thing and paying his calculated cs - as well as extras for which he gets no actual/effective say.

When they turn 18, he’s done, and I 100% agree with that stance.

OP - I think this situation depends. Are you guys in it for the long haul? How old are the kids? What are the laws in your state? And, most importantly - does he get equal say in the parenting realm?

If yes to the latter and he is paying what is deemed “fair” by the state, you need to step back and let this play out. If there are toxic dynamics at play AND you guys are planning a future together, I would say voice your concerns and start having the hard discussions about how this situation will impact your future.

The day the youngest turned 18 was amazing. Once they turn 18, you define the relationship and money. No more having to go through mom and the games. Allow him to be done at 18. I encouraged the relationship to continue and it was a huge mistake. It was all about money and Mom kept calling and demanding without producing bills/statements as to the need so we could pay directly. Eventually we learned to say no. Funny, after we started saying no and setting clear boundaries she became much nicer. But, she destroyed the relationships and the kids are paying the price now given how their lives have turned out, especially in terms of their own relationships.

This times a billion.

And all of you biomoms out there who want to call us stepmomsters should take heed whilst you’re busy alienating your kids from their dad.

Mom wanted to call ALL the shots when they were underage? She can reap what she sowed when they are grown. Period.

I don’t think you’re making a good case for stepmothers here ...

Ok. Can you give me a reason why the failings/manipulations of the mother constantly go unheeded?

unheeded by whom? the court ordered the child support be paid to the mother. you just seem like you can’t stand the fact that she gets to make decisions about what you perceive as your money.

She wants to be the HBIC.

Unheeded in conversations like these - by people like you.

There are plenty of mothers who are just as bad as the proverbial “deadbeat” dad.

They are manipulative takers. And at some point, the father and his new spouse get sick of it and do what’s call drop the rope.

If you think that makes us bad people, go for it.

But, when a woman cheats on her husband, ends up divorced, refuses to give the dad a say in how parenting is going to happen (even though they have 50/50 custody), is fat and creates fat kids, spoils the kids to the point of entitlement, and you think everything is still the dad/stepmoms fault?

I can’t even give credence to what kind of person you think I am. Because obviously you have issues of your own.

That's quite a personality disorder you have going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If only he were in VA. VA thinks that childcare and raising children in Roanoke and Arlington cost the same.

It’s ridiculous.

No its, not. It goes on time share and income. The custodial parent also has an obligation to financially support the child/ren as well. So, that's not full support, its only Dad's share.

This.

I find that so many people believe that child support is supposed to cover all of a child’s expenses and that’s not true. It’s just a portion. So many times women are disappointed and say they are not getting enough child support when in reality the cost of living and raising a child is higher than then realized and that they will actually need to increase their own income since now they are dependent on a single income.

That wasn't my point. My point was that the state of Virginia treats Arlington and Roanoke the same. If you think that's equitable, fine. VA has the lowest child support rate in the DMV.

Yes, its equitable. Mom can choose to move to a lower cost area if she cannot afford where she is living at. Most things in divorce, custody and child support aren't equitable.

No. Custodial parents can't just choose to up and move with the child. That would make it more difficult for the non custodial parent to have regular visits with the kid.

Roanoke is a nearly 4 hour drive from Arlington. If both mom and dad live in the Arlington area, and dad gets visitation on Tuesday/Thursday nights and every other weekend, his kid moving to Arlington would make the weeknights impossible and the the weekends a lot more difficult.

Thank you for this. As a soon to be divorced custodial parent, it infuriates me when people think I should just “move somewhere cheaper in VA.” If my kids ever want to see their Dad, I have to stay mostly put.

They can still see their Dad. They can go every long weekend, every holiday and summers. And, other weekends or days off school as well. There are lots of ways to work it out. You really think your kids seeing dad every other weekend is a huge deal. That's 4 days a month. Really, you probably let them see their friends more than dad.

It is very common for custody agreements to bar the parent with primary custody from moving more than a certain distance away without the consent of the other parent, specifically because too much distance can interfere with the other parent's access to the child. In that case, the parent with primary physical custody may not have the option of moving somewhere cheaper unless the other parent is willing to given up a substantial amount of time with their kid.

Also, no parent is going to get every long weekend, every holiday and the summer with their kid unless the other parent has completely walked away. Simply will never happen. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not divorced but is this is a normal amount? Or does this mean that the ex wife makes a lot less? Is Child support even owed if you and your Dh make similar income?

sounds like there are big expenses like childcare or tuition.

Not always.

Private school is voluntary except if both parents agree. Child care is until age 5 if the mother/parents work and then before/after school care or camp. There are affortable ways if mom's income is lower. If mom chooses a private school and dad doesn't agree, she should fully pay for it.

It’s normal to low in my NOVA circle. Ex-DH makes about $230k, I make $120k and he pays me $3000 a month. One kid, childcare is $1800 a month. I have 4-5 nights, he has 2-3 nights depending on the week and our schedules. We do make all decisions regarding our child and activities together and summer camp/medical expenses etc. are on top of CS and split 60/40 (him/me). This would be similar if we chose to pursue private school. As my attorney explained it - the money is not just for expenses but also to keep a similar lifestyle. FWIW, I declined alimony as I do not believe my ex needs to support me, but the CS enabled us to stay in the marital home which is best for our child.