Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

It not your place to tell your parents what they do with their money.

+1

And definitely not OP's DH's place to tell his FIL (from whom he would not inherit) what to do with his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only concern OP's DH seems to have expressed, is about the loss of "his" inheritance. To him, this isn't about OP's mom's wedding ring, or family pictures, or burial plot. He believes that he is entitled to his FIL's money, and is upset that he might not get what he believes should be coming to him.

Some of the posters have raised legitimate concerns about OP's dad's future plans. The ones about long-term care, death and associated plans, those are things she should discuss with him before he gets married. She already has all the material things that are meaningful to her, and doesn't care if she gets her dad's money or not. It's not in the DH's place to butt into this.

Personally, I am really troubled by the attitude of many of the posters here. We are wealthy, entirely self made, and have one child. She is only 11, but knows that the only thing we *owe* her, is a good education, the best we can afford, in whatever career she chooses. She will come out with zero debt. Beyond that, whether we leave the money to charities, decide to flush it down the toilet, give it to other family members - she knows that she is not entitled to any of it, and is expected to make her own way in the world. We will likely not leave her nothing, but what we do leave her, will be entirely our choice.

If at any point in time, she decided to have some conversation with me about what she is entitled to, or some generational wealth bullshit, she will be entirely cut out of the trust. And I would consider myself a failed parent.

That’s all well and good...but, if you die and your husband remarries some bimbo and gives all your money to the bimbo’s kids, I think your daughter would be entitled to be a bit pissed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

It not your place to tell your parents what they do with their money.

+1

And definitely not OP's DH's place to tell his FIL (from whom he would not inherit) what to do with his money.

I am not saying OP should tell her dad what to do. I am saying OP should not be naive. She needs to have a conversation with her dad about it.

And no, the stepmom and kids are NOT family at this age when it comes to generational wealth. That money was OP's mom's too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only concern OP's DH seems to have expressed, is about the loss of "his" inheritance. To him, this isn't about OP's mom's wedding ring, or family pictures, or burial plot. He believes that he is entitled to his FIL's money, and is upset that he might not get what he believes should be coming to him.

Some of the posters have raised legitimate concerns about OP's dad's future plans. The ones about long-term care, death and associated plans, those are things she should discuss with him before he gets married. She already has all the material things that are meaningful to her, and doesn't care if she gets her dad's money or not. It's not in the DH's place to butt into this.

Personally, I am really troubled by the attitude of many of the posters here. We are wealthy, entirely self made, and have one child. She is only 11, but knows that the only thing we *owe* her, is a good education, the best we can afford, in whatever career she chooses. She will come out with zero debt. Beyond that, whether we leave the money to charities, decide to flush it down the toilet, give it to other family members - she knows that she is not entitled to any of it, and is expected to make her own way in the world. We will likely not leave her nothing, but what we do leave her, will be entirely our choice.

If at any point in time, she decided to have some conversation with me about what she is entitled to, or some generational wealth bullshit, she will be entirely cut out of the trust. And I would consider myself a failed parent.

That’s all well and good...but, if you die and your husband remarries some bimbo and gives all your money to the bimbo’s kids, I think your daughter would be entitled to be a bit pissed off.

Exactly.

And failed parent would be someone who cuts a kid out of a trust in order to teach them a lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only concern OP's DH seems to have expressed, is about the loss of "his" inheritance. To him, this isn't about OP's mom's wedding ring, or family pictures, or burial plot. He believes that he is entitled to his FIL's money, and is upset that he might not get what he believes should be coming to him.

Some of the posters have raised legitimate concerns about OP's dad's future plans. The ones about long-term care, death and associated plans, those are things she should discuss with him before he gets married. She already has all the material things that are meaningful to her, and doesn't care if she gets her dad's money or not. It's not in the DH's place to butt into this.

Personally, I am really troubled by the attitude of many of the posters here. We are wealthy, entirely self made, and have one child. She is only 11, but knows that the only thing we *owe* her, is a good education, the best we can afford, in whatever career she chooses. She will come out with zero debt. Beyond that, whether we leave the money to charities, decide to flush it down the toilet, give it to other family members - she knows that she is not entitled to any of it, and is expected to make her own way in the world. We will likely not leave her nothing, but what we do leave her, will be entirely our choice.

If at any point in time, she decided to have some conversation with me about what she is entitled to, or some generational wealth bullshit, she will be entirely cut out of the trust. And I would consider myself a failed parent.

I think the difference here is that you are first gen wealthy. Generational wealth learns from previous generations what the rules are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

It not your place to tell your parents what they do with their money.

+1

And definitely not OP's DH's place to tell his FIL (from whom he would not inherit) what to do with his money.

I am not saying OP should tell her dad what to do. I am saying OP should not be naive. She needs to have a conversation with her dad about it.

And no, the stepmom and kids are NOT family at this age when it comes to generational wealth. That money was OP's mom's too.

She can have all the conversations she wants. Dad is going to dance to the tunes of the woman he’s currently sleeping with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only concern OP's DH seems to have expressed, is about the loss of "his" inheritance. To him, this isn't about OP's mom's wedding ring, or family pictures, or burial plot. He believes that he is entitled to his FIL's money, and is upset that he might not get what he believes should be coming to him.

Some of the posters have raised legitimate concerns about OP's dad's future plans. The ones about long-term care, death and associated plans, those are things she should discuss with him before he gets married. She already has all the material things that are meaningful to her, and doesn't care if she gets her dad's money or not. It's not in the DH's place to butt into this.

Personally, I am really troubled by the attitude of many of the posters here. We are wealthy, entirely self made, and have one child. She is only 11, but knows that the only thing we *owe* her, is a good education, the best we can afford, in whatever career she chooses. She will come out with zero debt. Beyond that, whether we leave the money to charities, decide to flush it down the toilet, give it to other family members - she knows that she is not entitled to any of it, and is expected to make her own way in the world. We will likely not leave her nothing, but what we do leave her, will be entirely our choice.

If at any point in time, she decided to have some conversation with me about what she is entitled to, or some generational wealth bullshit, she will be entirely cut out of the trust. And I would consider myself a failed parent.

That’s all well and good...but, if you die and your husband remarries some bimbo and gives all your money to the bimbo’s kids, I think your daughter would be entitled to be a bit pissed off.

Exactly.

And failed parent would be someone who cuts a kid out of a trust in order to teach them a lesson.

*shrug* I'd rather raise a self sufficient child, than an entitled one. Your mileage might vary. I don't believe in hoarding money, generational wealth, and creating people that are relying on other people's efforts for their livelihood (socialism!!!)

And I would think that a parent that cares about their biological children would be mindful of the consequences of their actions, and act appropriately. If they don't, that's a deliberate choice, and reflective of their relationship with their children. People don't accumulate wealth accidentally; they know how to manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

If your dad remarries, I'd be prepared not to get any inheritance from him. And it there is anything of your mother's that she would have wanted you to have, or that is important to you, this is the time to ask for it. This new wife might be a blessing to your dad and the rest of the family, but there's also a chance that she will box up your family keepsakes and inherit them when your dad is gone.

+1. Having personally gone through this, it is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.

Why are all of you blaming the woman for these issues? Unless Dad has dementia, if he prioritizes his new wife and her kin and neglects his own kids, that is sh*tty but 100% on him. He is a grown man with agency. He is free to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

+1

So many instances of this happening when men throw their biological kids under the bus when a new woman comes along. My stepfather did this with my mother...and his kids resent her and can barely stand to be around him.

My mom has always said that a man takes care of the kids of the woman he is having sex with - whether they are his kids or not. I’ve seen this play out time and time again over my 40+ years.

Sage words. I've seen this play out in my 50+ years as well.

[Anonymous]

OP I think the only thing you need to talk to your dad about is to ask him to structure his will so that, if you recieve anything, he does it in such a way that your husband can't get any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

A nursing home would have been really expensive. If she’s so nice, why didn’t you ask her about your share?

[Anonymous]

It's true that the dad can do whatever he wants with his money. I have seen personally where the dad remarried, died suddenly shortly after and new wife purchased homes for her children with the money he left. Though the bio kids aren't starving, there is some resentment to the step siblings.

I've also know a situation where the dad married a much younger woman and they had many long happy years together. The grown children loved her and felt her entitled to any money.

OP may honestly not care, but I think instead of jumping to seeing her husband as horrible for bringing it up, maybe consider his perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him that you expect nothing from your father's estate. I have family that is banking on something while I am taking care of my own finances so I don't have to worry about that.

It is your father's estate, he can donate it all to some charity or leave it all to the new wife. bottom line is your husband is looking for a payday.

+1

How much are we talking, OP?

I am not comfortable sharing amounts, sorry. It isn't pittance, or the conversation would not have come up.

I'm assuming you (the not comfortable one) are OP?

I noticed you've addressed most of the concerns, but haven't addressed things pertaining to your Dad's death/burial if he dies before his new wife.
Does your family have religious or cultural beliefs that determine what happens to the body when someone dies? Does this woman have the same beliefs?

Is she also a widow? Do you know where her husband is buried? Does she have children who would want their parents to be buried together?

If your mom is buried do you expect your dad to be buried with her? What if his new wife decided to have him cremated and have his ashes scattered somewhere?

There is not concern about burial since we cremate. His new wife and I come from the same background, so scattering ashes is also not an issue.

[Anonymous]

I've known quite a few old women who consider remarrying a rich older widower their "retirement plan".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

...

With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.

But in your first post you said:

Anonymous wrote:

To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

None of this makes sense.

I am not sure what part you did not understand. If it is the "we" in the first quote, but that I didn't mean my husband, "we" meaning me and my dad. My husband does not know her, but he is fully aware that she has been a friend of the family for a while. Hope that helps.