Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not putting your children first. Everyone talks a big game until their wrapped up in a situation like this and the children are always the ones that suffer. OP and OP's BF suck.

Without citing examples, I’ll ignore your judgment. I am pretty certain you didn’t read all these posts.

You have your own kids. They should come first as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not putting your children first. Everyone talks a big game until their wrapped up in a situation like this and the children are always the ones that suffer. OP and OP's BF suck.

Without citing examples, I’ll ignore your judgment. I am pretty certain you didn’t read all these posts.

The same way you're ignoring the cues from the daughter....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

But you want to, and he wants you to, and she knows it. That's why she's defending her time with him. Also, in an intact family there's no "custody time". She wants what she used to have, what all kids deserve-- access to her parents without the artificial boundaries of a custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

During covid - just when you should be staying away. Go spend time with your own kids. It doesn't matter how long you've been dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

During covid - just when you should be staying away. Go spend time with your own kids. It doesn't matter how long you've been dating.

+1. Why exactly did you need to visit during COVID social distancing? For all you know, you infected her, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

During covid - just when you should be staying away. Go spend time with your own kids. It doesn't matter how long you've been dating.

+1. Why exactly did you need to visit during COVID social distancing? For all you know, you infected her, FFS.

Op here. I am done. You guys are being unreasonable. It isn’t like we started dating last month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

During covid - just when you should be staying away. Go spend time with your own kids. It doesn't matter how long you've been dating.

+1. Why exactly did you need to visit during COVID social distancing? For all you know, you infected her, FFS.

Op here. I am done. You guys are being unreasonable. It isn’t like we started dating last month.

And that's another problem no one is addressing isn't it? You're trying to gain credibility bc you've stuck around in the shadows for 4 years and low and behold the kid doesn't like you. You're not moving forward, you not married and you're not engaged you're dating. To her you are some woman her dad is having sex with and she has no reason to invest in you emotionally or any other way but you refuse to accept it and you blame her for not being able to move "forward".

[Anonymous]

If the dad can't change this now and after this long it's still like this, it won't change. Cut your losses and move on. Kid isn't going to let go of the power play just because of college. Yes I think it is a power play and yes I think the adults create and enable it.

Stop going over there, she doesn't want you and dad doesn't care that much.

Imagine your life if you didn't have to think about this anymore. How freeing would that be! Why do you want a relationship with a guy that has such a shitty relationship with his dd anyway? This is not healthy functioning for anyone involved. Get individual therapy and get you and your kids out. Put all the time you spend thinking about dd into your own kids and your own life.

Let go.

[Anonymous]

Spend time with your kids and either make a relationship with his or back off. You should not be jumping houses with the virus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stay away during his custody time

Op here. I do completely.

That's not at all what you said. You seem to change the story to suit your narrative.

Op here. Here is when I’ve intruded on her custody time—last week because of Covid—I came over. In the summer, once or twice. And a couple of times for specific events—she’s come over to my house or we’ve done the activities cited. Again, I’ve been dating her father for 4 years. I have never ever slept over during custody time.

But you wanted to intrude on her spring break weekend with him. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. This isn't about what's happening now. It's about what you WANT to do, what you are PLANNING to do. She knows that this is what it's about. And you do too, when you're not being willfully obtuse.

Op here. No. I didn’t want to intrude which is why I suggested just joining one weekend and not the entire week. This was a compromise so they can have their spring break. But at some point, something had to give...and my boyfriends family invited me. I am not going to keep hiding.

So you did intrude on his custody time. Why did something have to give? Because you want it to? Sorry but it was intruding and you're not entitled to do it and have her like it.

His family doesn't mind you because you're not trying to move into their houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

OP: like you I’m divorced and in a long term relationship where there are difficulties with the daughter. In your case you just have to wait 2 years and the daughter is off to college. Perhaps the path of least resistance is to wait for her to go keep playing the long game. If that Is what you want

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

Wow, what a stretch, equating this to a creepy guy. It’s hard to even take you seriously. OP has done everything right when it comes to dating someone who is divorced yet you still want to crucify her. Let me guess, you’re either a scorned ex-wife or some super judgmental married-for-20-sexless years ivory tower type.

The daughter is acting like a spoiled brat and probably just wants to get her way or exercise some form of control over her parents and this is her way of doing it. Yes she should get therapy. But OP and her BF have done absolutely nothing wrong here.