How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids. What on earth did your kids do to deserve that?

There are 6 billion people on the planet - none of em are perfect and most of em are totally preoccupied with self - which means there's a lotta things you're not gonna understand when it comes to the stuff people do.
Don't stress.

So who cares what the kids think? Is that what you are saying?

You're obviously hurting to send such an antagonistic response.
I'm sorry for the pain others' selfishness has caused you and your family.

NO, I am not saying "who cares what the kids think."
What I'm saying is that despite all the study and research over the years even the foremost experts of psychology, psychiatry, anthropology, cognitive science, and behavioral science still don't truly understand why people do the things they do so you shouldn't stress about not knowing either.
That's all I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like there are basically two types of people on these threads. Those who think sex is an important part of a healthy marriage just like love and companionship and those who think its optional like going without wine or your favorite food, something people enjoy but not particularly important. Everything after that is basically a justification for that belief.

Disagree. Some people think honesty between spouses and personal integrity are more important.

Hmm, you just proved the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like there are basically two types of people on these threads. Those who think sex is an important part of a healthy marriage just like love and companionship and those who think its optional like going without wine or your favorite food, something people enjoy but not particularly important. Everything after that is basically a justification for that belief.

Disagree. Some people think honesty between spouses and personal integrity are more important.

Hmm, you just proved the point.

Nope. You are actively lying and cheating. Your personal integrity are less important to you than sex. Ypu blame others for your failings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids. What on earth did your kids do to deserve that?

There are 6 billion people on the planet - none of em are perfect and most of em are totally preoccupied with self - which means there's a lotta things you're not gonna understand when it comes to the stuff people do.
Don't stress.

So who cares what the kids think? Is that what you are saying?

You're obviously hurting to send such an antagonistic response.
I'm sorry for the pain others' selfishness has caused you and your family.

NO, I am not saying "who cares what the kids think."
What I'm saying is that despite all the study and research over the years even the foremost experts of psychology, psychiatry, anthropology, cognitive science, and behavioral science still don't truly understand why people do the things they do so you shouldn't stress about not knowing either.
That's all I'm saying.

No hurt here. No cheating etc in my long term marriage and no selfishness etc.
Your response is that why should I worry about anyone’s reaction including kids. My reaction is that I would try to minimize the hurt from avoidable actions on my part. My husband is the same way. Your selfishness stands out in contrast.

[Anonymous]

Let's say this again: much, much cheating takes place in marriages where sex is freely available but for whatever reason, no longer thrills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like there are basically two types of people on these threads. Those who think sex is an important part of a healthy marriage just like love and companionship and those who think its optional like going without wine or your favorite food, something people enjoy but not particularly important. Everything after that is basically a justification for that belief.

Seems like there are basically two types of people on these threads. Those who think sex is a need like food and oxygen... and those that think it is like every other emotional need, they are
important but not a deal breaker. Sometimes it's plenty, sometimes it's not.

If sex is unimportant to you, not a deal breaker that is perfectly fine .... so long as fidelity is also unimportant to you, not a deal breaker.
This thread attracts lots of angry sexless wives who take the hypocritical position that fidelity is a deal breaker but sex is optional. And they are shocked and outraged when their sex needing husbands go elsewhere. Sorry it doesn't work your way. Either both (sex and fidelity) are important, or neither can be.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Each stand in their own. No linkage between the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's say this again: much, much cheating takes place in marriages where sex is freely available but for whatever reason, no longer thrills.

Agreed. You failed to mention this category of cheating is dominated by wives who reject their husband but seek out the interesting new guy.

So let's be clear on this specific point: the LARGE MAJORITY of men cheating takes place in marriages where sex is rare due to an uninterested wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids. What on earth did your kids do to deserve that?

There are 6 billion people on the planet - none of em are perfect and most of em are totally preoccupied with self - which means there's a lotta things you're not gonna understand when it comes to the stuff people do.
Don't stress.

So who cares what the kids think? Is that what you are saying?

You're obviously hurting to send such an antagonistic response.
I'm sorry for the pain others' selfishness has caused you and your family.

NO, I am not saying "who cares what the kids think."
What I'm saying is that despite all the study and research over the years even the foremost experts of psychology, psychiatry, anthropology, cognitive science, and behavioral science still don't truly understand why people do the things they do so you shouldn't stress about not knowing either.
That's all I'm saying.

No hurt here. No cheating etc in my long term marriage and no selfishness etc.
Your response is that why should I worry about anyone’s reaction including kids. My reaction is that I would try to minimize the hurt from avoidable actions on my part. My husband is the same way. Your selfishness stands out in contrast.

Interesting.
Please explain how exactly am I being selfish.
I didn't express any opinion for/against the ethical nature of cheating unlike most posters, nor did I make any excuses for those who cheat or advise those who are cheated on to be more "understanding." I simply pointed out that stressing over things we don't understand - human behavior in particular - is futile.
Not saying it should be accepted by default, just saying if Freud and Jung and Rogers could at best only theorize human behavior what chance does the average individual have of understanding how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids?
How exactly is that being selfish?
Your rush to negative presumption suggests you may not be hurt, but you definitely are extremely cynical and judgemental.

[Anonymous]

Why would a wife bring up to her husband an issue that isnt an issue for her? That's absurd. Hon, I know we have been buying skim milk for a long time now and Im cool with it but wanted to check and see if it's actually a deal breaker for you and you've just been waiting around this whole time, angry I didnt check with you after the first few times and now it has been bothering you for years?
An assertive mature partner would say "I noticed you've been buying skim milk a lately. I asked you once to stop but you've continued. We need to discuss this and find out what is going on, because I cant continue in a relationship like this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a wife bring up to her husband an issue that isnt an issue for her? That's absurd. Hon, I know we have been buying skim milk for a long time now and Im cool with it but wanted to check and see if it's actually a deal breaker for you and you've just been waiting around this whole time, angry I didnt check with you after the first few times and now it has been bothering you for years?
An assertive mature partner would say "I noticed you've been buying skim milk a lately. I asked you once to stop but you've continued. We need to discuss this and find out what is going on, because I cant continue in a relationship like this."

Your milk analogy misses the mark by a country mile so let's drop that.

Men don't date (and especially don't marry) sexless women. The switch occurs AFTER marriage and only AFTER the husband brings this up repeatedly many MANY times until at some point she trains him that she does not want sex and the topic is unwelcome. At that point he naturally goes elsewhere, because this is the only way to save his sexless marriage.

It's been explained here that she doesn't want sex because her husband is a selfish asshole who never does chores etc. To which I say: well she should bring this up!! In fact, she should divorce him... because who stays married to such a jerk? As an assertive mature partner, she has fixed the problem (one way or another) long before he goes elsewhere. Understand now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say this again: much, much cheating takes place in marriages where sex is freely available but for whatever reason, no longer thrills.

Agreed. You failed to mention this category of cheating is dominated by wives who reject their husband but seek out the interesting new guy.

So let's be clear on this specific point: the LARGE MAJORITY of men cheating takes place in marriages where sex is rare due to an uninterested wife.

We don't really know who dominates which category.

As a formerly single girl I can tell you that it isn't true. Most married guys who propositioned me were open about the fact that they lost interest in having sex with their wives because "I'm bored having sex with the same person for 20 years", "she doesn't look the same way", "I can't do these things to the mother of my children", "I love my wife but am not wired for monogamy", etc. Not infrequently, their APs were shocked by the news of the wife's new pregnancy - which I think illustrates quite clearly that the stories of the sexless marriage are quite oversold by the cheating husbands.

My DH have been cheating on me for a few years during which sex in the marital bed was freely available. A new body is a new body, can't compete with that.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201910/8-reasons-people-cheat

Lack of sex is not at the top of this list. Recent article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say this again: much, much cheating takes place in marriages where sex is freely available but for whatever reason, no longer thrills.

Agreed. You failed to mention this category of cheating is dominated by wives who reject their husband but seek out the interesting new guy.

So let's be clear on this specific point: the LARGE MAJORITY of men cheating takes place in marriages where sex is rare due to an uninterested wife.

We don't really know who dominates which category.

As a formerly single girl I can tell you that it isn't true. Most married guys who propositioned me were open about the fact that they lost interest in having sex with their wives because "I'm bored having sex with the same person for 20 years", "she doesn't look the same way", "I can't do these things to the mother of my children", "I love my wife but am not wired for monogamy", etc. Not infrequently, their APs were shocked by the news of the wife's new pregnancy - which I think illustrates quite clearly that the stories of the sexless marriage are quite oversold by the cheating husbands.

My DH have been cheating on me for a few years during which sex in the marital bed was freely available. A new body is a new body, can't compete with that.

There are numerous scientific research based studies proving that women get sexually bored in marriage far more than men. So yeah, we really do know who dominates the category.
Nobody here has claimed that all men with good sex at home don't cheat. The assertion is this is a fairly small percentage of men cheaters, most of whom get very little sex at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say this again: much, much cheating takes place in marriages where sex is freely available but for whatever reason, no longer thrills.

Agreed. You failed to mention this category of cheating is dominated by wives who reject their husband but seek out the interesting new guy.

So let's be clear on this specific point: the LARGE MAJORITY of men cheating takes place in marriages where sex is rare due to an uninterested wife.

I do hate to be so tiresome when it comes to actual facts, but do you have any evidence that this is true?